


The Unattainable

by bigcatsandkatanas



Category: Mad Men
Genre: F/F, F/M, Post-Finale, some stan x peggy going on in the background
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-04-01 03:57:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 51,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4004977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigcatsandkatanas/pseuds/bigcatsandkatanas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What’s already caught can’t belong to another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic request by peggydraper. I would say what the request was but I feel like it’d give away too much. Hope you guys enjoy, sorry for any grammar errors. Takes place after the finale x

Their timing was usually off. Whenever Don was searching for Peggy she usually had already left for the night. He imagined it was probably the same when she was looking for him. They didn’t see each other as often as he would have wished, the two of them halls away from another. He had grown used to her being one door over. 

The distance wasn’t just physical though. It put off Don, so much so that he grew needy. The thread in his heart for her was tugging at him. 

Up the stairs and down the hall was her apartment door. 

Since he had left, since he confessed everything to her like some born-again christian looking for absolution…they hadn’t really talked. Not that they needed to but there was this blank space that needed to be filled. 

Feeling foolish he had a bottle of whatever rich alcohol he found and a brown paper bagged full of sandwiches he knew she always liked. Suddenly a thought hit his head,  _this didn’t seem romantic did it?_  

 _God no. Hopefully not._ He never wanted to come across that way. Maybe she’d understand, maybe she wouldn’t laugh at him and reject him. 

Before he could turn around he was shocked to see Stan with a wide cheshire grin as he was putting on his jacket, Peggy’s door shutting behind him. 

“Oh hey there Don,” he rubbed his beard, the smile not fading. There was sweat on his brow, his round cheeks flushed. 

“Hey Stan. What are you– You know I shouldn’t ask.” Don’s eyes were wide, maybe a little hurt. 

“Work related, “ Stan sighed out, tucking his hands in his pockets, “You know Betsy Wetsy wants what she wants. There were insults thrown, a lot of screaming…you know another day on the job.” 

Stan probably said more things but by then Don had already stopped listening. Now Stan’s smile was fading. “She’s not busy is she?”

“No go ahead.  But she bites.”

“What,” Don looked bewildered and Stan surprised. 

“Just a joke, have a drink…you need it. Have a good one Don,” after those parting words Stan disappeared. 

Well that was…. _odd_.

Now he was curious. He decided it shouldn’t deter him from knocking on the door. She opened it abruptly, her cheeks just as rosy as Stan’s, her pupils wide. “Go home already,” she was embarrassed…then confused. “Don?” 

She stuck her head outside looking down the hall. 

“Hey,” Don sighed. Already he felt like he was intruding. Maybe this was a bad idea after all. 

“You pass Stan?”

“Yes. Is this a bad time?”

“No. I mean,” she adjusted her dress and let him in. “What’s going on? You okay?”

“I’m fine. Better…actually a little lonely with Sally and the boys with Henry for the weekend.”

“Oh,” Peggy said, taking the brown paper bag from Don, looking in and being pleased with what she found. “Don’t you usually…go out with Roger you know…go hunting for…girls.” She didn’t mean to sound half as awkward as she did but Don chuckled anyway.

“Well he’s tied down and I’m a little weary of that…lifestyle. I like staying in more.”

“I see. So I’m your backup plan?”

“So are you…seeing Stan.”

_Great transition._

“What?” Peggy froze then bit into one of the sandwiches as she stood near the table, “No why would you even?”

“Well it looks that way,” suddenly Don was sounding jealous. 

“Since when was that part of my life your concern. You can leave that bottle of…what…,” she held the bottle, and hesitated as she read the label, “that is fancy. Don. Shit. Why are you bringing me this? Save it for the next secretary you try to seduce.” 

“Fine,” Don grimaced, reaching out for the bottle but Peggy hesitated, holding it to her chest. 

“It was a figure of speech. I still want it.” 

“Well I’m part of the package Peggy. I’m not here to judge anyway,” he placed his hat on the table and took off his blazer, folding it in half. 

Peggy’s eyes softened, “Well we aren’t together. I don’t know. We’re playing house really,” for a brief moment she paused, “He told me he loves me.” 

“Oh, “ Don instantly understood that she felt the same. There was fear, excitement and confusion all mixed up in her bright blue eyes. “That’s great isn’t it?” his voice cracked when he hadn’t intended it to. 

“Tomorrow we’re having a dinner, I’m meeting his friends.”

“How did it even happen?”

“What? The dinner? Well he suggested it…you’re invited if you want to come.”

“I mean you and him. I thought you two barely tolerated each other.”

“That’s the funny part. It just happened, it made sense suddenly. Like the world was crumbling apart and he put me back together.”

Don felt that ache again, it felt tenfolds worse. There was that distance, those miles between him and her, land stretching beyond the horizon. She was still talking but her words suddenly went silent, her expression was far off, her eyes twinkling. It didn’t take long for her to catch on. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what,” Don zoned back in, “I’m just so happy for you.” What a bad performance he gave, she was already scowling. 

“Don’t candy coat it. Is it because I’m a woman? You men get to be spontaneous and do whatever you want meanwhile I’m supposed to just wait around like some princess trapped in a tower.”

“Calm down, I didn’t say that.”

“Did you just expect me to wait for you? You can’t just go around leaving people Don! They move on. Opportunities arrive,  _good ones_ , and we move on.” 

“What are you suggesting? That I’m jealous? I just know a mistake when I see one.” 

How the hell did they get from Point A to Point B, he found himself wondering, his heart beating hard in his chest after screaming back at her. 

“Why are you fighting it so much?” 

“I don’t hate Stan, I just don’t like him coming around and–”

“And what? Finish your sentence!”

“No,” Don tried to calm himself. 

“You what–you don’t like him fucking me? Well that’s what happened Don. He fucked me. And you know what? He fucked me good.”

“I don’t care. Sex doesn’t mean shit.”

“To you it doesn’t,” Peggy narrowed her eyes defiantly and Don looked hurt. 

“Alright I  **am**  jealous. I  **am** upset.” Looks like therapy did do him some good. 

“Why,” her lips quivered as she faced him.

“What’s different between now and then? Is it what I said about–” 

“No,” Peggy looked away, crossing her arms. “You know I don’t care about that. I just–You can’t just do that. You can’t just leave and not tell anyone. It’s reckless and selfish. People care. There are people who care about you.”

“Peggy…” Don said softly. 

She turned her back towards him pulling out the rest of the sandwiches, “Let’s eat and watch some tv then. There’s a Paul Newman movie that’s gonna be on. I know it’s not the conventional dirty french cinema that you like, but it’ll do.”

The hours seemed to pass by quickly, the two of them chit chatting every now and again while the movie played. Eventually it was late and they were worse for wear, barely able to get off the couch. Don slouched so that his head was resting on Peggy’s shoulder. She wasn’t sure if it was calculated or not but she decided not to do anything about it. Actually she liked it a little, feeling him close, the warmth, the familiar smell of cigarettes, alcohol and cologne.  Peggy stayed still until something overcame her and she nuzzled her forehead against his, he closed his eyes and smiled. She took the glass out of his hand before he dropped it and placed it on the table. 

“I think we’re done for the night,” Peggy tried to stand only to fall backwards. Don burst into laughter. “Shut up,” she giggled.

“Let me stay here.”

“I don’t know. Won’t it look weird, what if Stan comes?” She picked up Don’s glass and drank what was left, then slammed it back on the table. 

“I’ll keep my hands to myself,” Don raised his hands up, a goofy grin on his face, his hair already way more disheveled that it should have been. “Scouts honor.” 

“That’s the last thing I have to worry about. I’m nowhere near your type.” By then she would have figured that bitterness had disappeared but it looked like the alcohol made it resurface. 

“No  you’re not. You’re too good for me.”

“Stop it,” Peggy lowered her head, crossing her legs. 

“You are. Rachel got away and so did you.”

“Don I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The whole time I was gone I thought of you. I was knee deep in all the damage I caused and you were the only thing that was right. That  _felt_ right. Plenty of times I’ve said I love you to many women but I’m not going to do that disservice to you. But what I feel is deeper, and more strong than anything I’ve ever felt for anyone…so much that it hurts sometimes if I think about it long enough. It’s pulling my heart to the earth and grounding me when I’d usually just float away with the next breeze.” 

“So, “ Peggy swallowed, tears forming in her eyes. She placed her hand on his knee, “Let’s see if we can get you to the bed.” 

Don’s eyes were swollen with tears, realizing how silly he must of sounded, he looked down and nodded. This was really the only pitch that should of mattered but still he didn’t really know what he was asking for. He didn’t have the faintest idea what he was trying to say. They both stumbled to the bed, it became clear that Don was the drunker one. He fell flat onto the bed and due to his size Peggy flinched expecting that it was going to break. Luckily it didn’t.

On his stomach, his face buried in pillows, Don felt himself beginning to drift. He felt Peggy crawl onto the bed with him, “I’m just going to rest a little bit…then I’ll sleep on the couch,” she groaned as she switched off the lamp.  

The right thing probably would have been for him to insist he sleep on the couch instead but he was too drunk to even make the suggestion, much less consider chivalry.

In his dreams he thought of swaying side to side with her, Frank Sinatra playing in the distance. The feeling of her head against his chest, the sudden calm in the eye of the storm. 

It was three in the morning when he woke up again, shaking. He shifted and saw that he was now covered by a blanket, Peggy still sleeping next to him except it looked like she changed into her pajamas. She was so close. Despite being frightened he wanted to bridge the gap between them, his hand reaching out slightly so that the tips of her hair barely grazed his fingers. He pushed it further, taking a hold of a curl  between his thumb and index finger.

“I’m a light sleeper,” Peggy groaned softly, she didn’t sound upset. She turned to face him for a brief moment, a warm smile on her lips, her eyes engaging, “You need to sleep before I kick you out of this bed.” 

Don was shocked silent but she exuded warmth and understanding. 

Scooting closer to him she brought his hand to her lips for a soft kiss before letting him drape it across her waist.  Don moved so that his chest was pressed against her back. He was closer, he curled his form around her much smaller one.  

Closer was good. 

They both closed their eyes feeling some sense of comfort in each other’s presence. All was right with the world, at least for the time being.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I apologize for any typos or any inconsistencies I may have missed. Enjoy!

Peggy would phase in and out of conversation, out of reality. She didn’t contribute much outside of helping make dinner. Their voices may as well been white noise, there wasn’t anything particularly interesting about his friends though. They reminded her of her hipster friends from way back when, back to those days when she went out more often. It wasn’t her scene and it still wasn’t. But besides that Stan was on cloud nine with his hand over her’s. Sometimes he’d rest it on her thigh, every now and then he’d lean in and press his lips on her cheek.

It was a natural kind of affection, like they had been together for years. And had it been any other day she would have been beaming.

The harsh truth was that she made herself vulnerable just hours earlier, Don laying at her side. They stared at each other a minute longer than they probably should of.  His green eyes on her blues, a silent understanding, something she couldn’t share with anyone else.

She found herself craving that connection again, like they were lost souls, wandering then meeting and then their lines uncrossing. Their friendship needed to be consistent, she needed to lay some foundation. Maybe they could really become friends, maybe confidants? Before he left that morning she brought up the dinner party again…told him there could be a place at that table for him.

She was staring at an empty chair.

“You know he wasn’t coming right? Hey at least he lied. Most times he straight out says no,” Stan reassured Peggy as she stood up straight, her hands deep in dishwater.

“This grease won’t come off. It’s frustrating,” she was scrubbing at a pan rigorously.

“Come on Pegs, you think I don’t see you’re upset?”

“I’m not, I just wanted to impress your friends.”

“And you did. They loved you,” he grinned ear to ear, “I liked showing you off.” He moved near to her space, his hands taking a hold of her small waist, pulling her close as she smiled and tilted her head sideways. “And now that I have you all to myself—“

She let out a long sigh and stared far off, getting lost in her own thoughts. “It was stupid of me.”

“What,” Stan said in between butterfly kisses he was planting on her neck.

“Inviting Don like that.”

“You’re not the first person to do that and you certainly aren’t the last,” he let out a gruff laugh as if something suddenly came to mind, “When he came by and I bumped into him he looked upset. I didn’t have to say anything, he already knew. Maybe he was jealous?”

“No. What? Of course not.”

“Don always gets what he wants, he loves taking up your time. You’re probably the only one he hasn’t had.”

Light on her toes Peggy turned around to face her partner, her eyes intense. “Stan.”

Stan flipped his wavy brown hair out of his eyes, “I was kidding.” He held onto Peggy’s shoulders, his eyes looking straight into hers. “But can’t you see that guy just going down a list, crossing out women’s names?”

“Betty died.”

“Who?”

“Of course you wouldn’t know her,” Peggy mumbled, “She's an exwife. The mother to his children. He doesn’t have anyone, and he explained his kids were gone for the weekend. So.”

“Wow. He was always so solemn. I thought he was just playing the man of mystery card. Shit, now I feel bad,” Stan’s eyes were wide as he searched for Peggy’s expression. She was wiping her hands on a towel, her gaze downcast.

“He’s looking for a connection anywhere and if I’m it, I feel kind of obligated…”

“Hold on. Obligated? He’s your boss, for all the good he’s done, he’s done a fair amount of bad.”

Peggy nodded side to side and shut her eyes, cringing from embarrassment, “There’s nothing else to do now. I tried.”

“Yes you did,” Stan warmly smiled, pulling her into his orbit yet again. “That was a nice thing you did there. Fuck him for not appreciating your friendship. It sounds good doesn’t it? Fuck him. Fuck Don. He’s an asshole.”

“Okay okay. You sound like you’re gloating.”

“I appreciate you,” he rubbed his pelvis up against her’s, leaving a trail of small kisses along her jaw. Peggy’s face immediately went red. “I can appreciate every part of you,” Stan continued.

“Yeah,” she laughed as he tightened his grip on her waist.

 _Yeah_ , he mouthed before kissing her.

\----

The next morning Peggy decided to sleep in.

Yes. That was a thing she could do.

She earned it for half the shit she put up with in McCann. She got up to the sun shining through the windows, not all that different from the morning before.  

Pulling on a pink robe she noticed the other side of the bed was empty, nothing left but a mess of blankets. She could hear the shower running so she figured Stan had realized he was running late for work…not that he particularly cared either.  McCann could fire him and he’d see it as a blessing, a sign he should move on to better things. Peggy sometimes envied his lack of ambition. It’d save her a hell of a lot of pain.

She got on her feet with the full intention to make him scrambled eggs before sending him off but was interrupted mid-way.  On the kitchen table was the most beautiful flower arrangement; reds, whites, pinks, blues. If anything it reminded her of the usual color scheme in her wardrobe. Immediately she smiled and faced another dilemma of trying to process her mixed feelings. She tried to hardest to set aside all her bad memories associated with flowers…Ted, Shirley, not having an office in McCann.

Yes. She would let herself enjoy this like any other girl would.

But there was something about this that was strange. Didn’t Stan complain earlier that he didn’t have enough money to buy himself a new shirt? Obviously she had offered to buy him a new one since she was the one who tore it in the midst of a sexual rendezvous.

The point was that he certainly couldn’t afford this.

She dug through the flowers until she read the card on it.

_From a friend.  Sorry I couldn’t make it._

“What the hell,” Peggy hissed, holding the card in her hand. She felt like she had to sit down, a bewildered look on her face. Suddenly she was startled by the bathroom door slamming.

“Shit. Sorry.”

“Yeah but you keep on doing that. Don’t you know how to close a door right?”

“No good morning? Thank you for last night? Not even an _I love you_? You just go straight into it huh? The door is as light as a feather. I’m used to heavy doors.”

Peggy was abruptly silent, she had already lost the fight in her when she remembered she was sitting next to the elephant in the room. Eventually Stan spoke.

“They delivered them pretty early. You were out like a log so naturally I answered the door. They’re uh—nice.”

His positive attitude gave her permission to further inspect them. She lifted a flower to her nose and smelled it, the pollen tickled her nose but the sweet smell of nectar made her heart flutter. Oddly enough there wasn’t a scene, Stan seemed to enjoy the bouquet just as much as she did.

He seemed to be happy she was happy. “The colors really seem to pop, huh,” Peggy didn’t realize how wide her smile was, her blue eyes twinkling.

Stan watched her cautiously, his heart breaking a little. “They sure do.”

\----

Time passed rather quickly, Peggy prepared his eggs, Stan ate them and left. She was alone again watching the cream swirl with the black in her coffee. She uncrossed her legs and wondered if this was what it was like to have nowhere to go. Easily her life could have gone this way but she made the conscious decision not to go with what was expected of her. But pretend was nice, sometimes.

She took that thought as a cue to get ready for work as well.

When she got to her office, she shut the door to give herself privacy. She sank into her chair, her legs stretched out. Half dreading an impromptu meeting with Don, she decided to take control of the situation and call his office.

“It’s Peggy Olson.”

“Do you want to leave a message, Don isn’t in at the moment.”

“Oh. He isn’t,” Peggy leaned back in her chair, her face falling.

“What the reason for your call?”

“Uhm. The uh—Coke. The coke account.”

“So he told you already,” Meredith giggled, her voice sugar sweet.

“What,” Peggy’s jaw dropped. She was just bsing her way out of the conversation, what the hell was Meredith on about?

“I said nothing. He’ll be back after lunch. I suppose he’ll tell you then.”

After receiving the news Peggy felt like her heart was going to explode out of her chest. She tried to calm herself down and rationalize what she had just heard. Could it be a miscommunication? She really hoped that wasn’t the case. The reasonable side of her wanted to give it some time before delivering the news to anyone else, but her will wasn’t strong.

Working on Coke? The Coke account? Her and Don working on the Coke account. This was big.

Immediately she dialed Stan’s extension.

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

Peggy hung up the phone before he answered. She was probably getting ahead of herself.

It wasn’t much of a surprise when Don didn’t return to work that day. Peggy kept on finding reasons to stroll by his office to see if he was in yet. Four candy bars, and three bathroom breaks later, she wound up getting drunk in her office. Her hopes were far too high, she thought she was on a winning streak but she could feel the tension boiling up inside. Her foot was tapping to a tune unknown to her.

In all honesty McCann felt like an alien planet. There wasn’t anyone she could call a friend, everyone was practically gone. If Stan wasn’t there and if Don wasn’t there, who else? Certainly not Ted, he wormed his way in and assimilated himself, he was now a worker bee in a sea of grey suits.

Eventually she got even more persistent in trying to get in touch with Don, she called his home phone several times. Still nothing.

Where the hell was Don?

Grabbing her jacket she somehow found her way to Don’s building where she swore he lived.

“I’m looking for Don Draper,” she said to the doorman inconspicuously. “I can’t remember what floor he lives on. Just let him know I’m here. I’m Peggy Olson.”

He stared at her blankly, “I’m so sorry ma’am but he’s moved. It’s been a while actually.”

“What,” Peggy snapped. The doorman cringed, the smell of alcohol in her breath was strong, not that he wasn’t already used to that. But from a woman? Wow. “Who lives there now?” It seemed like she wasn’t entirely convinced but then again when a man like Don Draper has left the building, everyone knew.

“I shouldn’t be saying this, but they’re a cute little family. This is their first place since the baby. I like seeing the beginnings of things.”

Peggy moved away from him, and stumbled a little, then leaned against the wall appearing to be exhausted and hurt. “I should have seen my boyfriend instead. He’s probably at home right now. I thought I had good news but now I’m not so sure anymore.”

“Do you want me to get you a cab?”

“No you don’t have to.”

“I’d be more than glad to.”

She saw him leave through the glass doors, hailing a cab and coming back, offering her his arm courteously. She took it with a small smile on her lips. “Do you know where he lives,” she said weakly.

“No I’m afraid not Ms. Olson.”

“I thought I knew him you know?”

“No one ever completely knows anyone,” the doorman said with a smile, “But isn’t that what keeps things interesting?”

“Thank you,” Peggy got into the cab, the doorman closing the door behind her.

“Have yourself a good night,” he waved.

Peggy got back home, the lights were off and it appeared she was the only one there. Her heart sank as she looked at the silhouette of the flowers still on the kitchen table.

_Where the hell was Stan?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably regret posting this so early in the morning but I'll do another once over for typos tomorrow. Enjoy. x

With a hitch in his breath Don is done. He tries to focus again, his eyes blinking quickly. A smile spread across his lips as he runs his hands through the brown wavy locks that cascaded onto his chest.  She’s on top of him but climbs off, sitting to his side, brushing her hair off her face.

“So where have you been Don,” she chuckled, staring up at the ceiling.

“Here and there. Been too busy with work. Running low on cash.”

“Ah. There’s that sense of humor,” moving to the edge of the bed she started putting on her bra.

“What would I have to pay you to get you to stay a little longer,” Don sauntered closer to her desire coursing through him, aching loneliness lingering in his bones as his heartbeat slowed.

“No. You didn’t answer my question. Why should I answer yours?”

“I got tired of blondes, thought I’d go back to brunettes,” he twirled his fingers around her silky locks.

“When I was blonde you didn’t call for me either.”

“Let me pay for your cab fare and a little more.”

“Do you think you’re the first client to ask that? I have some place to be.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Some place not work oriented. We need time off too.”

“So tell me, how do you turn off Sapphire and become Audrey?”

“Easy,” she picked up her dress off the floor, stepping into it and waiting for Don to zip her up. Taking the cue he did as asked. “I take off the make-up, I take a shower, and that dream girl persona is a million miles away. Then I’m myself again. I’m not any different than you when you take off that suit of yours.”

“Audrey,” Don mouthed in wonder. “When can I meet her?”

“I never should have told you my real name.”

“I like it.”

“Of course you do. Because you don’t know Audrey yet,” she breathed out, her eyes weary. After staring at the mirror one last time to correct any sign of disarray in her appearance. “Should I pencil you in for another appointment?”

“For now no. I’ll get in touch if I change my mind.”

“Alright then. You take care of yourself.”

She showed herself out without his help and she was gone.  He reclined back onto the bed, his arms above his head. It was really sinking in right now, the darkness of his thoughts spreading. The sorrow, that need to drown it with anything possible.  Whenever he was alone, he tried to be at peace and imagine himself back in California. Those demons were trying to catch up, all he had to do was let go.

The ocean waves against the beach, the salt water in the air, Don was there. Anna was waiting for him, her ring reflecting the rays of sunlight.

Home could be anywhere as long as he thought of it long enough. Tonight he was going to be okay. The warmth of the sun would hold him now.

Tomorrow he would go back to work a different man.

\---------

Don arrived at his office to see it a crack open, when he peered in he could see the figure of Peggy leaning against the table. She turned, frowning, her lips pursed.

“Oh Peggy. What brings you here?”

He knew her long enough to not be alarmed by her aggravated expression.

Peggy dropped a handful of empty manila folders onto his desk, “I heard something from a little bird and I’m going to ask you whether or not it’s true and please refrain from snapping at me for reaching conclusions.”

“I can’t promise you anything but go ahead,” said Don with bags under his eyes, clearly exhausted from whatever thoughts he was preoccupied with from before.

“Are you bringing me onto the coke account with you?”

Don’s shoulders dropped and he smiled, his eyes downcast. “Meredith.”

“Why did you bring her back? She’s terrible.”

“Well. She cares you know. I think she’s useful.”

“Don shut up. Is it true or not,” she crossed her arms standing straight. Fondly Don looked at her and nodded.

“I think you’re the man for the job.”

“You’re joking,” Peggy said in a hushed whisper, her eyes were wide and bright in absolute delight. Don couldn’t help feeling elated from causing this reaction in her. Her happiness was contagious.

She brought him in for a hug.

Don closed his eyes, resting his cheek against her head. There were so many things he wished he could have said. So many different ways he could have thanked her for being the anchor that brought him back to New York.  But he was at a loss for words.

Instead he hugged her back, rubbing his hands up and down her arms that were snaked around his shoulders, before she broke away.

“Thank you Don. They were just throwing me scraps. What the hell can I do with scraps? Let me tell you, you can’t do shit with scraps.”

“You’ll prove to them just how worthy you are.”

Peggy fanned herself off, trying to control her breathing. She moved towards the window, looking out at the countless buildings that stretched on. “I think I need to process this for a moment,” she paused as if she reached a stunning revelation. “But I’m a woman Don.”

“Yes. And?”

“And? We’ve run into this problem before…now I imagine it as a problem multiplied times ten. I have been harassed and laughed at here countless times.”

“Cooper’s painting gave people quite the impression,” laughed Don. “They can say what they want but the work speaks louder than words and now you’re running with the big boys.”

He pulled out a cigarette and offered Peggy one, she obliged, taking it in her hand. He lit hers’ first before his own. What he left out of his statement was how he was mentally preparing himself to woo the rest of the grey suits. It wasn’t going to be easy but if Jim Hobart let Don back in after abandoning McCann, he could probably convince them to drop their pants if he wanted to.

Peggy blew out smoke, a smug look on her face as she crookedly smiled, “I’ll crush them like ants.”

“I have to be honest. I keep on thinking of Burger Chef.”

“Well we win some and we lose some.”

“No. Who cares if we lost them when we moved on, what I mean is your pitch. You have that magic, just tap into that and any doubts will just evaporate into thin air.”

“You’re right,” she turned around, the shakiness in her voice was gone. She was cool and composed once again. “I can do this. _We_ can do this. We just have to find that big idea.”

“I actually already have the foundation in mind. Now how we execute it is something else entirely.”

\----------

“So what do you do?”

Don was sitting at a bar, the dim warm light on his skin. There was a beautiful woman next to him but she was far too young, not that bright. She had to be a couple years older than Sally.

When Sally put that thought in his head he could never really let it go. He couldn’t do young anymore without having that awful aftertaste. Still he had enough energy to play along, smile a bit, nod, make her feel good but he still had the full intent of leaving with nothing happening beyond polite conversation.

“I’m an ad man,” he used to be so sick of this persona, but the honesty, especially after winning it all back, felt good again.

“Really,” she leaned in, her eyes were a sea foam blue, her hair long and so blonde it was almost white. She must have been Swedish or something, Don thought before taking a sip of his old fashioned. “What’s your favorite ad you made?”

Of course he’s heard this before, he’s engaged in this conversation over and over again. He could say glo-coat but the novelty of that achievement had worn off on him. Him and Peggy having a shouting match over it, she did just as much as he had. It felt wrong to take complete credit of it, he had grown that much.

Speaking of Peggy he wondered what she was up to at the moment. He had lost track of time, maybe she was in bed wearing a loose fitting robe, curlers in her hair. Stan would probably be next to her sketching something he’d been assigned to work on or maybe it’d just be for fun.

How long had they been together? Were they running off and having romps when they should have been working? Did she love lying to him the whole time? Was that the extra kick?

Why did he let himself go down that route? The very idea of dishonesty…feeling like the fool, it burned and it hurt.  

“I’m working on something actually. I think it’ll be great,” Don said with that handsome grin of his, shifting gears. He could see her knees grow weak as she sat on the stool completely just to keep her ground. “It’s something big.”

“Big? Like for who?”

He gave her a dark look.

“Coca-cola,” he articulated slowly.

There it was that stifling shame, it filled him, filled his lungs. He found it hard to breathe. He had her on her knees in the bathroom, her head bobbing up and down, his fingers grasping at her hair, pulling at it. She gasped and gagged, then laughed. He felt it vibrate through him, his eyes shutting as he reached his release.

“Mmm,” he felt her swallow then sit back, looking at him with those same eyes…her pupils round, her cheeks flushed. She wiped her lips then smiled wildly.

No matter how many times this had happened he could never figure out an appropriate way to leave. He tucked himself in, zipped up his pants and leaned down to kiss her, helping her stand up in the process. She wanted more. They always did but it had gone too far.  “It’s still so early. Take me out. You can have me any way you want,” she tugged at his tie and twisted it around her hand.

“That’s tempting,” he chuckled, waging a war on his own resolve. “But I can’t.”

 He held her chin in his hand, she was so delicate, her pink lips parted and trembled just wanting that extra bit of him. “Why,” she begged in weak whisper.

“This isn’t you. It’s me. All me.”

The night ends with Don sitting in front of his television in his pajamas, he looks at his watch. It’s 11:00 pm. He contemplates for a while whether or not he should move from his space. Eventually he does, grabbing the phone that he had beside him, pulling it towards him, untangling the cord and dialing out.

After four rings Peggy answers, she sounded grumpy, “Hello.”

“Peggy, its Don.”

“Hey.”

“I forgot to ask but did you get those flowers?”

“I did. It was so unnecessary, I had to explain the whole thing to Stan. It was awkward having to…why did you have to put me in that position, anyway? You’ve never acted like you’re sorry before—hold on is this really what you’re calling about?”

“No.”

“Then what is it?”

“Today was another bad night.”

“Crap. Really?”

“They’re all bad nights.”

“Are you having doubts? Didn’t you just give me a pep talk?”

“I’m not calling about work.”

“Oh.”

“Your voice, it brings me back. Feels like home. I suppose sometimes I think of you like you’re the solution. But that’s what happens when you give a dog a bone. They keep on coming back for more.”

“Don, don’t,” her voice so quiet it barely registered as a whisper. “Why me? I’m sure you have other people to talk to.”

“You know I don’t.”

Peggy was silent, she knew he was right.  She wasn’t any different.

“I haven’t found the words yet,” Don continued. “I don’t have the answer why. I’m still searching though.”

“The man who always has a way with words can’t seem to find them,” he could hear her smile. “How tragic.”

There was some comfort in her quiet understanding, it was all he really needed.

“You know it’s late. Should I make this more night appropriate conversation? So sweetheart, what are you wearing?”

“Shut up.”

“Curlers in your hair? A baggy robe? Sandals?”

“Stan is here. I like to look nice for him so no, not this time. Sorry to disappoint. You’re terrible at trying to be funny you know? People are just too scared to tell you.”

“And you’re not?”

“I’m not exactly shaking in my boots.”

“Okay,” chuckled Don. “Tell Stan I said hi.”

“I’m hanging up now.”

Peggy crossed her arms as she sorted out all the papers that were on her lap. Stan walked into the room looking content with himself, a piece of toast in his mouth. He crawled into the bed with her and started eating as he pulled out his drawing pad.

“Stan what the hell,” screeched Peggy.

“What,” he screamed back.

“Crumbs in the bed?”

“I’ll just dust them off.”

“So then the crumbs are on the floor? What if the rats come back?”

Stan just grinned, admiring her adorable expression. He’d be a liar if he said she didn’t look cute angry. She smiled back knowing just what he was thinking, she dropped her head and looked away bashfully.

“Was that Don on the phone just there?”

“Yes.”

“He likes you,” Stan moved in on her, nibbling her neck, his beard tickling her.

“Stop it,” she giggled. “No he doesn’t.”

“You’re his favorite.”

“He was calling about work. Nothing else, gosh.”

“All work and no play makes Don a dull boy.”

“You bet,” Peggy looked into Stan’s eyes before bringing him in for a kiss. She tenderly stroked his beard but it wasn’t long before her grin went crooked. “You’re cleaning the crumbs when you’re finished.”

“Aye aye.”

She didn’t want to lie but it felt necessary for some reason. Explaining their relationship was hard enough to someone who was looking from the outside in. There was residual guilt as she kissed Stan, one that made her rigid, not as responsive to his touch. Making a profound effort she tried to lose herself in him in the hopes those walls around her heart could crumble down. She didn’t want to fuck this up.

She _couldn’t_. Stan was the real deal.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not this chapter was actually going to be double this size but I decided to split it in half. Honestly this decision was a good idea because it gave me an opportunity to add in scenes I didn't think of before. Hope you guys enjoy! x

In the morning usually Stan would hang around Peggy’s office and keep her company as she’d set herself up to tackle the day. This was usually the case whenever they’d arrive together and find it difficult to separate. He couldn’t get enough of her even though the both of them knew space was a major aspect of their relationship. But it was an excusable offence since they were still going through their honeymoon phase.  

Peggy thumbed through the pile of papers on her desk. She looked a little overwhelmed and then finally let out a sigh, raising her gaze to Stan who had a Danish in his mouth and a cup of coffee in his hand.

“I have something I need to tell you.”

“You’re working on Coca-Cola with Don,” he said with his mouth full.

“Yeah. How do you know?”

“Well you add two and two together. Why else would you be talking on the phone so much about work?”

“He’s working on a few other things too, he could have been asking for advice? I like to think we’re friends. Maybe we were talking for _friendly_ reasons?”

“Please. Did Don ever talk to you when you went to CGC?”

Peggy grunted and leaned back into the chair. “Were you going through my notes too?”

“All the peace, love bullshit written all over the place? It was kind of hard not to come across it. You’re the least peaceful, loving person I’ve ever known.”

“Really,” she cocked an eyebrow as she smirked, “Well you love it.”

“I’m not going to say I don’t,” Stan laughed.

“Well we’re presenting today. It’s a lot of pressure. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you.”

“You nervous?”

“I already know your stress relieving tactics. For once I’m going to have to say no.”

“Sure you’re saying no now…”

“Stan,” there was a deep voice coming from the doorway greeting him. It was Don peaking his head in, “Excuse me. Peggy, my office.”

“Give me ten minutes,” Peggy said authoritatively, Don nodded.

“Take your time, sweetheart.” He gave them their privacy immediately. Stan turned back towards Peggy, his mouth gaping.

“Wow. You’ve got that bull by the balls.”

Peggy shrugged smugly, “Naw.”

The corner of her mouth curved upwards, she couldn’t help feeling some sense of victory. Their working dynamic was now better than ever.

 “Oh right so…” she bat her lashes at Stan, “I want you to give me a list of all the reasons why I’m better than you before you leave work.”

“In your dreams, babe.”

\-----------

Hours had passed already and Peggy and Don were still metaphorically hitting a brick wall.

Just where the hell would they shoot the commercial?

They had the resources to go anywhere, Jim Hobart was practically hiding whatever erection he had gotten from the idea itself. Don was always such a smooth talker, of course Peggy had some part in it. But after Don’s part of the pitch, it was already a done deal. They were both still vibrating from the victory. They could have gone home, gone for a drink to celebrate but instead they stayed in Don’s office to continue brainstorming.

“I think of plains, green hills that go on almost forever,” said Don as he stared far off, imagining some type of tangible utopia. Peggy was in Don’s cushy chair meanwhile he was on the floor leaning against the wall with a notepad in hand. She seemed to be distracted, only half-listening to him. They had been going on like this for hours already and although Peggy was always work oriented, she was getting a little restless.

“Oh like The Sound of Music?”

“Right. Something like that.

“ _The hills are alive_ …” Peggy mockingly sang, “… _with the sound of music._ ”

“It really needs to resonate, but Sound of Music…that’s good,” he decided to jot that thought down.

“ _With songs they have sung for a thousand years_.”

“You’re not Maria Von Trapp just yet,” grinned Don, watching Peggy slouch as she bounced a rubber band ball off of the wall.

“Europe sounds like a good place to start,” Peggy stood up and stretched like she was getting ready to leave,” “What’s the time?”  Don looked at her curiously.

“You have somewhere you need to be?

“No. Of course not. I am hungry though,” she pat her stomach. “I could stop by somewhere and bring some grub?”

“No. That’ll be alright. Actually there’s somewhere I have to be later this evening.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Dinner with Sally.”

“Oh. How is she?”

Don paused and smiled warmly, “Why don’t you ask her yourself? You can come along if you’d like.”

\----

Wishing for some time to mentally prepare herself, Peggy sat at a table with Don. Curiosity had gotten the best of her, she wanted to see how Sally turned out. She only expected good things but it had been a while since she had seen the girl in the flesh rather than on the Christmas portraits Don had on his desk.

In comparison to her Don looked perfect. He was a man in a suit, he could have fallen out of a dumpster and no one would care, meanwhile being considered the fairer sex, Peggy was more subject to public scrutiny. She had a few stray hairs here and there and she didn’t have an opportunity to touch up her makeup for a more appropriate formal setting.

Don’s leg was moving up and down anxiously. He was never one to do that.

_Why the hell did this seem like such a big deal?_

“Do I look alright,” she looked at herself using her compact mirror.

“You look just fine,” Don said softly.

“I don’t get to go to these sorts of places…except for once or twice…with _Duck_ ,” she drank her wine bitterly. “I think sometimes you forget that I’m not as rich as you.”

“After a while, after so many lunches, dinners, drinks with clients…places like these lose their charm. I see it as a watering hole. All the animals with their thousand dollar suits drown their sorrows and shortcomings here.”

“Shit, Don. You’re worse than me and I’m pretty cynical.”

“When you get to my point, you feel you’ve seen it all.  It’s the honest truth. But it’s not all bad.”

“No?”

“There’s you.”

“What about me?”

“If I say you look fine, you look fine,” he grinned shamelessly, “You are a living breathing Manet.”

“Easy with the bullshit,” she snapped, scowling visibly. “You haven’t had enough to drink yet.”

As she was about to excuse herself to the powder room she saw a beacon of light. With that Grace Kelly charm, Sally walked in. A beauty amongst the peasants. Both Don and Betty were her two halves of a whole and she carried it effortlessly.

The girl had really grown into herself.

“Hey Dad,” she smiled as she joined them at the table. Don lovingly rubbed behind her neck after she sat down. Curiously she looked over to Peggy, her large eyes assessing the threat. “Who is this?”

“I’m Peggy, Peggy Olson,” Peggy offered her hand to her.

Sally cocked an eyebrow and shook her hand.

“She’s worked with me for a while. A long while actually. Ten years, maybe longer.”

“I think we’re getting to eleven,” Peggy nodded.

“She’s more or less family,” Don squinted fondly, and Peggy felt her face get warm just at the mere mention of the word. He was really selling her.

“I think I remember you when I was a kid,” Sally said indifferently.

“C’mon you’re still a kid,” Don grinned, reaching out to rub her shoulder. Sally sighed and nodded side to side in disagreement.

“I’m 17, dad,” Sally turned to Peggy, “Would your dad do the same thing?”

Peggy didn’t want to say the truth, but she also didn’t want to lie.  She decided to pick the lesser of two evils. “My dad, he uh—he’s not around anymore. Hasn’t been for a while. He’s um--”

_Shit._

“I’m sorry,” Sally’s icy demeanor shattered, her voice softer now. She instantly understood.

“No it’s okay. I bet you’re already making plans for college,” Peggy quickly changed the subject. “That must be exciting.” Effortlessly she made the transition back to idle chit-chat.

“Yeah. I want to take a year off, you know…travel to Europe.”

Don let out a loud sigh and rolled his eyes, “It’s all she ever talks about.”

“Of course, I’m going to have fun. I think I’m entitled to it.”

“Yes, absolutely,” Peggy nodded in agreement. “Especially at this age. When you’re in France, believe me, I’m going to live vicariously through you.”

“He thinks all the boys are going to go crazy over me.”

“I’ve been to Europe sweetheart, the men there hardly have any manners,” Don blew out smoke appearing to be delighted by how natural this all felt. Peggy and Sally were really getting along and it was a sight to see.

“I have a backbone. I can handle it,” Sally shrugged him off in stride. Peggy was impressed, she had never seen someone talk back to Don, herself being the only exception.

“Whatever you say,” shrugged Don, he didn’t seem all that convinced but he wasn’t about to fight it. Sally was the truest definition of independence.

“I want to see the catacombs,” Sally took a drink out of the glass of water at her side.

“How macabre,” said Peggy, who then in turn looked at Don’s reaction. He seemed unfazed, putting out his cigarette with a wide smile on his lips. “You’re not like all the other girls.”

“Or at least I’m bad at hiding it like they do,” Sally leaned forwards, “There are things I want to see, they’re things everyone should see at some point. Places full of history have always interested me.”

“You’d think living in that haunted house would suffice,” Don added in snidely.

Sally chose to ignore him and continued, “If there’s something I’ve noticed is that we’re living through the same cycle over and over again. You’d think at some point people would stop killing each other and learn from the past. They’re doing just as much damage to themselves as they do to anyone else. History is probably more reliable at teaching people things than even the bible. Is it really that hard to break out of it?”

Never had Don looked so astonished and proud in all the time Peggy had ever seen him. He was stunned silent.  Both of the adults at the table took some time to think for a moment, the girl’s words resonated with them far too much.

“So what are you thinking of ordering,” Don eventually said, handing Sally the menu.

“Oh I don’t care. I want a hamburger. Does this place serve hamburgers?”

“One second you say you’re an adult and the next you’re ordering a hamburger at a French restaurant?”

“I like biting into my food, not slurping it,” Sally snatched the menu and tried to read it. “This is all in French.”

“Why don’t we go to a diner,” Peggy suggested, Sally’s eyes brightened.

“You’re right,” Don sat up, “I’ll pay the bill, you girls go wait at the front.”

Both Sally and Peggy grabbed their coats, waiting in the lobby. Sally licked her lips, obviously preparing herself to say something. “Are you and my dad?”

Peggy zoned back into reality, looking at Sally in shock, “Oh no. It’s what it is, a friendship.”

“He never calls anyone else family. He never really had one. So that’s really something.”

“Yeah well…neither have I. I come from a catholic background. I needed support but I got scrutiny instead.”

“I remember complaining a lot and being angry but now I…I’m more thankful for what was. I don’t know maybe I sound crazy.”

“No you don’t. It’s called growing up.”

“So you’re a woman in the workplace, how hard is it to get men to follow your orders?”

“Not that hard at all. You have the occasional sexual harassment, snide comment here and there but I don’t take it personally anymore. It should be a requirement to have a tough shell because you will get it from all directions…even other women. But I say what I want clearly and they do it because I’m their boss. I worked harder than they did to get where I’m at. And if I don’t get what I ask for, I don’t feel a thing for knocking them down like they’re bowling pins,” Peggy blew out smoke, narrowing her eyes deviously. “So they’re left with no other option but to listen.”

Sally was clutching at her purse and staring at her boots.

“Bitchin’”

\---

Don was slouching at a booth staring at Peggy’s food go cold. Sally was eating and he didn’t have much of an appetite, he was just picking at his order of fries as he watched Peggy sitting at the phone booth making a call.

“You make it so obvious,” Sally lifted her gaze, focused on chewing her last bite of the burger.

He chose not to answer, sitting back up, turning his attention to his daughter. “How was school?”

“I like Peggy, she’s smart.”

“Why do you say that like none of the others were?”

“Not like her. She’s not your type is she? You’re trying something new?”

“I’m not trying anything.”

“It’s been a while since Megan,” Sally bit into a fry with a knowing look.

“How hard is it for me to convince you that she’s a friend?”

“Your only lady friend was Joan and that’s only because I assume she turned you down.”

“You’re right. Joan was too good for me and so is Peggy. End of conversation.”

Peggy returned to the table, sitting next to Don. “I took forever. I bet its cold.” She scooped up the burger in her hands and took a big bite. For a moment she paused before cringing, then she shrugged and took another bite. Both Sally and Don stifled their laughter. “What? Who cares? It’s good,” Peggy defended herself with her mouth full.

After dropping off Sally at a friend’s house in the city, Don and Peggy were left alone in the cab sharing a flask. They seemed comfortable with silence but Peggy could feel Don’s eyes on her. She turned slightly to see whether or not she was hallucinating things. It appeared she wasn’t.

“So,” he questioned with a grin, “What do you think of her?”

“She’s definitely your daughter,” Peggy snorted and dropped her head, “She’s great, really.”

“I think she’s the best thing I’ve ever did,” Don played with the corner of Peggy’s collar, leaning towards her, but then he moved back to his side.  

Don was resting his head against the window feeling the melancholy begin to set in as he was looking out at the sights of New York. All sorts of people going somewhere, anywhere, they always had a destination in mind and for once so did Don.

“It’s tiring always being at my worst around you,” he found himself saying his thoughts out loud. “I’m not a great father you know. But Sally came out alright.”

“She did.” Don loved when Peggy said things so calmly, her voice strong but almost as gentle as a sea breeze. It calmed him like some sweet lullaby he imagined a million mothers had sang to their children before bed.

“I wish I was as strong as her.”

“You are.”

“So she’s okay?”

“Of course.”

“I saw Betty…b-before. The life was just sucked out of her, she was a skeleton, a shadow of the woman she used to be. I keep thinking how Sally woke up every day to seeing her mother get worse and worse. How could she…” he suddenly found it harder to speak. “And how I was…I wasn’t there. Not until the very end.” 

There was a beat before Peggy found the right words to say.  “Think about it like this. You’re here now, you came back.  As far as I see it today’s been a big success. We make a great team, we’re working on an actual campaign for Coca-Cola and what’s even better is we both know Sally’s going to aspire to do great things. Every day she’ll do something to make you even prouder, can’t you just think of that? We need you right here, home is right here with us,” Peggy took his hand and intertwined her fingers in his. 

As rain began to pour outside they still hadn’t separated, Peggy’s thumb stroking Don’s. They were getting closer to her destination.

He was playing with an idea, one he wasn’t sure to suggest but he decided to anyway.

“Want to see my new place,” Don said timidly.

“Oh…,” Peggy cleared her throat and looked at the people running through the rain with newspapers over their heads. “What are you suggesting?”

“I need more…” Don’s voice cracked, “more time with you. Please don't go.”

There was a long pause.

Peggy squeezed his hand, leaning her head against his shoulder. “More time sounds good.”

The pitter patter of the rain died down as their cab skipped Peggy’s apartment completely, it was 12:16 am and their night now had no end in sight.

A single thought passed through Peggy’s mind with the next streetlight they passed. One green light after another.

_It’s getting too easy to say yes._

What a harrowing thought, it frightened her to her very core.


	5. the long conversation and then...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long to update. hope you guys enjoy x

“Thank you so much. This should cover the cab fare as well,” Don slipped some cash to the babysitter. She looked young, early twenties, Peggy watched her from the corner of her eye as she distracted herself with a painting in the hallway of Don’s new loft.

The girl dropped her head, a long bashful smile on her lips as she brushed her hair behind her ear. “You sure,” she must have counted her money. By then Peggy focused her attention on her.

“Definitely, we got home a lot later than expected. I apologize if we inconvenienced you. How were the boys?”

“Oh they’re fine. Finished their homework, Bobby gave me a hard time before going to bed but he talked his head off til he fell asleep. It’s cute.”

“That sounds like Bobby. Well you have yourself a good night then.”

Don placed his hand on her back leading her out, the girl’s gaze rested on Peggy for a moment, falling prey to curiosity. “Thank you Mr. Draper.”

Was there ever anyone not under his spell? After the door was closed Don loosened his tie and discarded his blazer.

“She’s…beautiful,” Peggy crossed her arms and leaned against the wall. Don nodded side to side.

“She’s too young.”

“You won’t even have to pay her. Save some cash and do what every man has done since the dawn of time—marry the babysitter.”

“I’m going to pretend that I didn’t hear you say that.”

She smiled, her hand rubbed his shoulder before she assisted in taking off his tie.

_Home sweet home._

Standing in Don’s bathroom Peggy looked at herself in the mirror. The door was open since she wasn’t about to use the toilet. In the mirror’s reflection she could see Don going through his kitchen cabinets searching for whatever alcohol he had left.

It was strange. The entire thing felt surreal, dreamlike. Don was never one to invite anyone in.

She remembered his birthday party, his _only_ birthday party, standing in Don’s bathroom just as she was in that moment. There was Megan’s presence in everything, a tube of lipstick, the smell of her perfume.

A woman’s touch.

Surely Don didn’t design the new décor in this place but there was something missing. It was worrying. Peggy imagined just how lonely he must be when the children were gone.

She held onto the sink, then stared down at her heels. The carpets looked so lush and soft, she swayed back over to Don humming to herself.

Shamefully, Peggy was drunk, not _drunk_ drunk but pretty drunk. There was enough for two maybe three more drinks unless she wanted to get blackout drunk. Still she wasn’t sure if it was one of those nights. For whatever reason she didn’t know what she was singing but Don caught on almost immediately.

“I bought that record, you know,” Don placed two glasses on the kitchen counter, pouring both him and Peggy a drink.

“Oh,” _right_ , now she knew which song it was. “Sometimes I just hum songs, stuff just gets stuck in my head sometimes. Stan has me listening to a lot of different music and it gets all jumbled.”

“Stan doesn’t seem the type into Sinatra.”

“He certainly isn’t,” snorted Peggy.

Don handed Peggy the glass then moved over to his record player, digging through the few records he had in a box next to it.

“Ah,” he said to himself, taking the record out of the sleeve then placing it on the turntable. First a crack then a pop, and the song began.

“Nice,” Peggy pointed at him as Don closed his eyes, moving side to side.

“There will be no one else like him, huh?”

“That’s what people say before they’re on their way out. There’s plenty of good music in this generation too.”

“Megan would force me to listen to music her friends were always into. Didn’t care for it. Just wasn’t for me.”

“You’re so old,” there was a fondness in her voice, Don didn’t catch it though, he just grunted at her.

Peggy started humming again dreamily, moving side to side with the rhythm. Neither of them wanted to repeat the magic of that night way back when. It was enjoyable standing at either side of the living room instead. Don was watching Peggy with growing interest.

“So this our song then,” she said softly.

“What’s it with you singing all of a sudden?”

“I’ve always sang. Maybe you were never listening.”

“Maybe. Okay. So you want it to be our song then? Fine, consider it so.”

“That seems unfair.”

“Why? You suggested it.”

“Yes but what gives you the authority to say it’s our song. You’re not my boss now. I change my mind then.”

“Fine. What do we need a song for anyway?”

“Don’t you want to listen to the radio and think of me?”

Don stayed silent. Peggy settled down on the couch taking in the aesthetics of the place. It wasn’t as big as his apartment before but it was nice, kind of warm. There was a dim lamp beside her, it was the only source of light in that room. Getting comfortable she curled up, her blue eyes resting on Don.

“You want to say something,” Don cocked his eyebrow.

“Earlier I was talking on the phone to Stan back when we were at the diner. There was something off. I think—no never mind.”

“What?”

“I shouldn’t be talking to you about this. Why can’t I be normal like everyone else? Every girl should have female friends…I’ve had every opportunity to go out but I don’t or I don’t keep touch and here I am talking to my boss about men.”

“You’re going off on a tangent. Just tell me.”

She shifted, sitting on her legs, her posture upright as she held her glass with both hands.

“I could be paranoid but men have this pattern. It happened with Abe, I just didn’t get the question I wanted to hear. I—I don’t know, Don.”

“Well shit, Peggy.  Now you have to say something…”

“I think... He’s been acting strangely and I feel something big is going to happen. He might propose.”

“What,” Don’s eyes widened, “How long have you been together?”

“A while. A couple of months, he’s usually the one who keeps tabs on that. Shouldn’t it be the girl?” Peggy smiled nervously. “I could be kidding myself. But is it really outside the realm of possibility?”

“For someone to want to marry you? No. hardly,” Don laughed, rubbing his chin, “You and Ted, I thought he wanted to…and then he didn’t. One part of me understood his loyalty to his family but the other side…”

“What,” Peggy grumbled before downing the rest of her drink.

“The other side of me knows you deserve the best. I really thought he’d give it all up for you. Why did that just suddenly disappear…you and him?’

“You know why. It’s pretty self-explanatory.”

“If I weren’t so distracted I would have admitted that you two looked as cute as a button.”

“You wanted him gone and you know it. Who knows whatever the hell possessed you. I don’t know what it is with people that they just forget how things really were. He forgets, you forget. I’m done with that part of my life. Anyway it’s much better with Stan but—“

“But?”

“But what? Life isn’t anything like the movies. Not everything is perfect.”

“I know that.”

“Everyone has their doubts.”

“I thought you said you were in love.”

“I am.”

“And?”

“Love doesn’t mend things. I think we like to tell ourselves it does but it hardly solves anything. I have faulty wiring or something. There’s something broken right here,” Peggy placed her hand on her chest, her eyes glassy.

Don smiled reassuringly and sat next to her. “Let’s see,” he placed his hand over hers and grinned as soon as he felt her heart beat, “No it’s working fine.”

“God Don did you just cup my breast?”

“No. What. Oh,” he leaned back into the sofa cushions laughing heartily, “I guess I did. I’m so sorry.”

Moving further away from him she frowned, a smile still on the corner of her lip.

“No really,” Don couldn’t stop laughing, “I think of you like…like one of the guys.”

“So you go around doing the same to them? Okay,” her eyes narrowed. “What am I to you?”

“I don’t know,” he was flushed now, completely embarrassed, he moved the stray jet black hair off his face as he tried to find an answer. “It’s too difficult to find a word to describe it, to describe all this.” Peggy’s eyes softened as he took her hand. “I do know that in all my stupid selfishness, I want you all for my own.”

“You know you can’t have that,” Peggy smiled, looking demure. .

“Now I’m not sure what to say if I have to let you go. Married girls can’t go around spending the night with single men,” Don brought his lips to her hand but she quickly pulled it away, choking on laughter. She covered her mouth before thinking of what to say.

“Twice divorced men. Dead-beat womanizers. You’re the worst man the world’s ever seen.”

“Thrice,” Don grew serious suddenly, Peggy watched him in shock.

“Oh,” she decided not to pursue it even further.

“Yeah well…” he didn’t have the energy to mention Anna. Maybe another time, that time certainly wasn’t now.

“How could you just jump right in? All I ever do is think and think and think until the opportunity is gone.”

“I didn’t think. I would get carried away, it was always great at first”

_At first._

“I want him to move in. I love his company but I’m scared there’ll be that big fight. I mean we fight, we bicker a lot. It’s funny. If I lose him I don’t know what I’d do.  I have this big mouth and so does he. When it’s good it’s good and when it’s bad, it’s still good.”

“What do you see,” Don looked puzzled, his eyes squinting, “He’s nothing special…. I’m sorry. I didn’t say that. I didn’t mean to.”

“No, you’re going by my amazing track record. You don’t really know him like I do. I can’t be angry for you being protective. I like it honestly, I like that someone’s concerned…” Peggy pulls her legs in, resting her chin on her knees. “Maybe any other time I’d be angry, just not now,” she said solemnly. “He should be angry, angry I’m here with you…a man,”

“But he trusts you”

“Maybe he doesn’t care.”

“Maybe he’s being considerate and giving you space.”

“I’m not some caged animal,” Peggy’s eye twitched, Don had hit a nerve. “I want him to react.”

“Is that why you’re here with me,” there was vulnerability in his words that sent guilt rushing through Peggy’s veins.

She couldn’t say why. She couldn’t even figure it out herself.

“No. I don’t know. The point is I’m here and I’m not regretting it,” Peggy was quiet for a moment before she continued, “I’m sorry you know—“

“For what,” Don laughed

“You could have very well killed yourself, I really thought so after that phone call,” Peggy dropped her head, covering her face with her hand. “Stan assured me you wouldn’t. But how the hell could he really know? How could I know, Don? Me and Stan. This thing was cursed from the start.”

There was an odd silence. Don was staring at his hands and so was Peggy. She decided to speak again.

“So are you seeing anyone?”

“No,” Don shook his head side to side and sucked on his cigarette, then blew out smoke,” I’ve been screwing prostitutes.”

“What,” her mouth was gaping in shock, she tried to study Don’s expression. “No way. You’re joking right? I mean I’ve heard stories about men…men like Roger. Heh. Now that makes sense…but you? You seem like the last person who’d have to pay someone to sleep with you. I mean look at you.” She gestured at his face, Don grew flustered and cleared his throat.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment. It’s not about that.”

“How do you know they’re clean?”

“They’re clean. “

“You shouldn’t have to pay for anyone for sex. Girls must literally fall from the sky and onto your lap. Just your status alone…it should be easy sailing right?”

“It’s about convenience and the whole business of it is…well…open and shut. Convenient at best.”

“Wow,” Peggy’s eyes went wide, “What’s it like?”

Don didn’t know she’d be so inquisitive, if anything it made him really uncomfortable. “Less messy. Less emotional.”

“You know I gave some guy a handjob in the theater once.”

“What?” Now it was Don’s eyes that were wide.

“Anonymous sex isn’t as great as I thought,” she sighed out, “Maybe it’s just easier for men than it is for women.”

“I can’t say I know. I’m in the dark.”

“Of course you are, not that I’m saying you aren’t suffering in your own way but…” Peggy paused, crossing her arms, “It’s just so hard.  I don’t know if I’m doing what I want or if I’m doing what’s expected of me. You can’t ever be sure about anything, about anyone. I’m better off alone.”

Don leaned his head against the sofa, blinking slowly as he overlooked Peggy’s delicate features while she looked away, lost in her own head.

“I shouldn’t have said that.  I shouldn’t have said any of those things,” she mused, then she laughed in a self-pitying sort of way that only made Don’s eyes grow softer with sympathy. “There’s a million other things we can talk about.”

In fact Don didn’t know what to say, instead he stood up with both their glasses in tow. “You need another drink?”

“Just one? Quit that bullshit and bring the whole bottle.”

“Alright. I guess you’re the boss tonight.”

“Only tonight? You really know how to treat a girl,” smiling wildly, her shoes dropped to the floor, one thud after another. She kicked Don as he passed, nearly tripping him.

He stumbled with a chuckle. “Don’t kill your bartender, please.”

“No guarantees coming from me.”

They drank themselves to sleep that night, Don’s head on Peggy’s chest as they both laid on the long sofa. It was oddly comfortable considering Don’s weight on her. There was a noise, something creeping closer. Peggy awoke to see darkness in the hall across from the living room. Maybe there was a figure in the shadows, she couldn’t really tell. She let go of it though, she had long outgrown her fears. Her hand ran through Don’s black hair, she breathed him in deeply as she realized how they had fallen asleep. It wasn’t bad, it was natural. They must have just curled into one another. She felt herself smile, pressing her lips on his head as she drifted back to sea.

That stirring got even closer until it came into full view. A small boy with blonde hair was looking at her with round eyes. Peggy wasn’t sure if she was dreaming. She rubbed her eyes and mouthed a weak hello.

He didn’t say a thing.  Peggy nudged Don and he came to. One green eye opened, then another.

“Hey Gene. Back to bed,” Don grunted, his hand patting at his child’s cheek.

“Okay,” Gene said timidly, turning around, giving Peggy one last look before going back to the darkness. Through the expression of a child Peggy saw herself clearly.

Something weighed thick on her, she felt uneasy suddenly, her heart aching as she tried to relax into Don’s embrace, his arms holding onto her tightly, his face buried in her chest again.

“You okay,” he muttered.

Peggy nodded then softly spoke, “Yeah.”

The look on her face said anything but. She recalled the phone call at the diner…

Stan was a voice at the other end of the line.

“I’m here, where are you?” melancholy was thick in his gruff voice.

“Working. I decided to pick up something before I went back.”

“Really, oh. You can’t work here?”

“No. You’re a distraction of the best kind…”

“It wasn’t that way before.”

“This is it Stan, this is what’ll get me the respect I deserve.”

“I know. I’m so happy for you. Look you know I don’t want to sound needy. That’s the last thing I want to do. It’ll hurt my reputation” She could almost hear the weak lovesick smile on his face.

“I’m the bad girlfriend, you aren’t. How were you today?”

“Working. They kept on asking me to think of that it girl, and you know what, it was the craziest thing…”

“What?”

“I kept drawing you.”

\----------------

The whole place was in a disarray when she awoke, Don wasn’t on the couch anymore. He must have gone to his bedroom to sleep and it was too early for Bobby and Gene to be up for school. This was a good enough time as any to leave without any explanation. She needed to hail a cab and just go.

“Breakfast?” Don’s voice was coming from the kitchen the second he saw her standing, “I can make you something.”

Peggy shuddered, then put on her heels, nodding side to side, “No.”

Her breath smelled like puke, her hair was a mess, and there was a run in her pantyhose. _Damn it._

“You sure,” he was extra smiley, he didn’t seem to notice a single thing. He was blind to the mess that was around him.  “You have nowhere to go right? Why not stay then?”

“What are you talking about,” she snapped putting on her coat. “I’m sorry but what?”

“Nothing,” Don’s smiled dropped, he looked like he’d been punched in the face, “Need cab fare?”

“No. I’m fine,” Peggy walked out of his apartment in a rush, her heart racing, hands shaking. She gave Don’s apartment door one last look before the elevator closed. Her shoulders dropped when she knew there was no chance he could lay his eyes on her. She slumped into the corner and felt the warm tears fall from her eyes, she let go and finally sobbed.

Swallowing, Don stared down at an empty bowl on his kitchen counter. He cracked the egg as he thought of the millions of ways he must have fucked up. Then he cracked another. While whisking, he watched as the yolk and the egg whites mixed turning into a lighter yellow. Losing his grasp on the bowl it fell. He let out a sigh, looking down at the spill on the floor and on his pants.  

He tightly shut his eyes, his hands forming into fists, “God damnit!”

He tried to control his breathing, repeating the same words over and over.

_It’s not always your fault. It’s not always in your control._

Don wasn’t a mind reader but he wanted to unravel the mystery, to know the source of the war waging inside of her. It wasn’t anything as simple as a man or her job. He wanted her—no, he _needed_ her to leave some space for him.


	6. ...

 As soon as Peggy arrived at her place, she was glad the sun was already out. She unlocked the door and with the turn of the knob she was home. It smelled like coffee. The shower was on and it became apparent Stan had stayed the night waiting for her. She clenched her jaw feeling that familiar ache in her chest.  

_No more._

Like she was shedding each sin that once weighed her down, she removed an article of clothing leaving a path of clothes starting at the door leading to the bathroom. Another turn of the knob and there he was.

His back was facing her, his head underneath the shower. He had one hand against the tile, the other massaging his scalp. Something was weighing on him, be it work, be it her, be it anything it all, Peggy was more than ready to help him through it.

“Hey,” she said softly.

“Woah. Didn’t see you there,” he smiled almost instantly.

The truth was right before her eyes, it was spelled out in his gaze. Each passing day she was hurting him. He wasn’t about to admit it but their relationship wore down with every lie, every wall she built in her heart.

“Well here I am,” Peggy was silent for a beat before Stan felt the awkwardness.

“Well yeah, there you are,” his hand motioned over her naked body, he looked her over eagerly. “You look so beautiful,” he rubbed his beard, eyes bright and glossy, “I’m sure you get sick of hearing that.” That last line was delivered very tongue in cheek. He was well aware of her confidence, her swelling ego.

She’d never tire of it.

It didn’t take long before they shared the same space, kissing fervently. Her hands grasped at his shoulders, reminding herself that he was very much there and not some figure that’d fall apart the second she reached out to touch.

_Don._

Why now of all times would she think of Don?

Now Don, he was always somewhere out to sea, his heart always in the beaches of California. She’d never been, she’d just see photos. She had seen Stan drawing those sandy beaches.

Every bit as close to the real thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay it looks like we're midway through this series. phew. hope you guys are enjoying the ride so far. x


	7. ...like Icarus, he fell.

“That’s right. You’re getting it…somewhat”

The jukebox only had oldies songs which was fine by them. Don was nostalgic, Peggy was familiar to some extent. She liked it, pretending like she was one of those starlets from when cinema used to glow with a soft fuzzy light. The movie on the projector starting with a crackle and a pop. Those noises were the only way you knew something was working. It signaled the beginning of something.

Don held onto her hips, struggling to find a rhythm to match hers’. Underneath dim lights they danced awkwardly, her arms were draped on his shoulders. She wasn’t there with him, not in spirit at least. She could almost see herself dancing with him from a distance. Turned out she was looking at their figures through a distorted old mirror hung near the hall where the exit was.

“Peggy. Hey. You there.”

She snapped back to reality, looking straight into Don’s eyes. “Sorry. Why are we the only people dancing? It’s weird.”

“It feels right though, doesn’t it? And if it’s right. It’s right. I like it better this way.”

“I get the feeling this place used to be filled with people. You can feel their ghosts, almost. Then the place got new owners and it just went downhill from there. No one goes here anymore.”

“I know,” Don sounded pleased with himself, “I like empty spaces. That’s why I suggested it.”

“You’re always holding onto the past,” she rested her head on his chest, her gaze far off again. “Everyone changes but you don’t.” Some part of her knew just how bittersweet that was.

“Looks like we’re not alone,” Don moved Peggy so her line of vision was directed at the two people there other than the bartender. One man was slouched in his chair and the other was drinking solemnly at a booth.

The evening started at a snail’s pace, Peggy and Don at a loss for conversation. Despite this Don felt at peace for once, he was a buzzed, light sort of drunk. Peggy’s perfume, the weight of her head on him, the music that was playing, they were all pleasant distractions.  

Surprisingly enough however how sober he was, he was still enjoying her company.

Although he was still at a point that he refused to admit that she wasn’t so eager to go out with him for drinks. If anything she came _just_ for the drinks. That thought alone dismantled his illusion of peace.

“Do you believe in any of it,” she spoke again.

“Believe what?”

“What you sell.”

“To some extent, yes. At least there’s something human that I tap into that’s meant to affect the wandering eye. That’s the whole point isn’t it?”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“What then?”

“About love. Like it’s the answer to everything. It’s a main principal, if we’re selling glo-coat or a fucking can of beans. Do you really believe in any of it?”

“Well,” Don paused, holding onto one of her hands as he thought for a millisecond before answering honestly, “Yes. I think it’d be foolish to say no.”

Their eyes were drawn together, and it lasted for a moment longer than Peggy would have wished. She almost knew he could read her mind, the gears just turning.

 “I think I’m going to get another drink,” she broke away from him and made a beeline for the bar. Don stood there alone, watching her form leaning against the counter waving down the bartender.  A woman approached her before the bartender finished making her drink, it looked like Don hadn’t noticed this woman when he was doing a headcount.

He imagined what they were saying, his eyes focused on their lips.

“Is he your date?”

“No. He’s a friend.”

“Could I ask him for a dance?”

“Go ahead.”

Don felt his heart sank

The details got clearer as she got closer; pale skin, strawberry blonde hair, straight but wavy at the ends. His heart got filled with a different kind of affection, one that was hollow. Something temporary that would fade out as soon as the breeze blew out the flame.

“Where have you been,” she said with a sultry look in her eyes.

“What do you mean,” Don laughed.

“You look tired.”

“I am tired.”

“Want to dance?”

“Only as long it’s something slow.”

“Okay.” Don stared at her mouth, thinking of all the things she could do with it.

But despite his initial impulse he could feel Peggy a mile away. He heard the woman fumbling with the jukebox, ultimately choosing a song he remembered listening to before he went to war. It was playing on the radio as he rode with other men whose fates were just as unknown as his. Like flashes the memories passed, he wanted to feel anything else but this. He was brought back to reality. The warmth of the woman’s arms coiling around him, her pelvis moving against his as they danced close, closer than close, it was the rope around his foot that kept him from floating away.

Peggy was still at the bar. She was wearing a red pantsuit. He was growing used to seeing her in them, so masculine but not, it suited her though. Too often he walked into her office to see her sitting with her legs wide open, slouched, a cigarette hanging from her mouth, lost in her own head.

His eyes kept on finding her. Watching her.

Watching her watch him. He suddenly felt naked. This Don, the Don he’d turn into in front of a beautiful woman never had a captive audience until now. He was almost ashamed.

Peggy tilted her head back and took a sip out of her martini glass. Sucking then blowing smoke out of cigarette, so aloof and apathetic. Simply observing the wildlife from a safe distance.

Then of all people, Stan came in. He greeted Peggy, kissing her cheek, then kissing her full on the mouth. Her eyes brightened, she was beaming. Don felt a twinge in his chest. The iciness was gone.

Stan brought a couple of his friends with him and they were noisy, in a good-spirited sort of way. Don’s dance partner commented on it under her breath. Bright eyed and bushytailed to say the least, Don had never seen a man look happier than to have the privilege of being able to put his arm around the petite brunette.

“Are you going to buy me a drink,” the woman pulled away just enough so her green eyes would look straight into his. Don started to notice even more details of her heart-shaped face, the freckles on her cheeks. She almost reminded him of Stephanie…just a little. “Or are you too tired?”

“No. For a beautiful woman? Never. I can go all night.”

By the time he walked towards the bar Peggy was picking up her coat and leaving. There was one final glance through the corner of her eye. He just knew subliminally she was saying goodbye, he was just too scared for her to leave him behind. She made her exit, Stan close behind.

This girl though.

He really did want to feel something but this was another dead-end, he’d seen it all before. She was from New Jersey, made her way to New York. Wanted to be an actress, that didn’t work out so she became a model. This time he decided to stay mysterious, closed off, a man of few words. An occasional nod, and a look on his face that made it seem like he was listening.

He kept telling himself that a girl wasn’t some nightcap. The last thing he needed was another encounter, another opportunity to let someone in. But something ached inside him and he needed another fix. She was so earnest, so seductive. Conversation was just a mere obstacle before getting to just what he wanted. And like the cycle he often found himself caught in, one thing led to another.

And then there he was in a hotel room when he should have been home…with his children. He came to a startling conclusion as she slept next to him, her head on his shoulder, her hand on his chest.

It just wasn’t working anymore.

The orgasm came just as quickly as it went.  The world was closing in on him as the pain grew worse in his heart. Was he dying or was this something else?

He thought of his younger self laying in a bunker. The tent humid, stinking of the sweat and piss of the older soldiers.

The word came to him suddenly.

 _Homesick_. The word was homesick.

\-------------

It _was_ Friday, when he got home it must have been Saturday. Sally’s book bag was beside the green couch. She had arrived and he wasn’t there. It was usually that way. Sometimes when he’d get there he’d see her from behind in the kitchen and come to realize just how similar she looked to Betty.

However long ago it had been that ghost was never going away.

There was white noise on the television. In the light coming from the screen he could make out that Sally’s figure was underneath a blanket on the couch. Don removed his jacket as he contemplated disturbing her or not. Ultimately he made his decision. Like the child he still felt that she was, he scooped her in his arms carrying her to her bedroom. Her eyes slowly opened by the time he was walking through her door. She wrinkled her nose, both her hands pushing at his chest.

“What the hell,” she mumbled under her breath. “Put me down.”

Don obliged, watching her with a pitiful look in his eye.

“When are you ever going to change? You smell weird,” Sally covered her mouth in disgust. “It’s always alcohol, smoke and perfume isn’t it?” She hissed as tucked herself into bed.

“Sally watch your tone. I’ve had a long day.”

Sally looked away in disappointment, a brick wall between her and him. “Right. Of course you did.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s nothing.”

“Honey, did something happen?”

“Since day one I remember you never being home. You were on a winning streak once mother passed. I really believed you know?”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“Why do I never say anything? The last thing I want to do is start a fight with you when Bobby and Gene are around. It’s hard you know. Babysitters only tell you the good things, never the bad. And how are you supposed to know anything when you’re never around?”

“I’m sorry.”

Don sat at the foot of her bed, Sally moving her feet away from him, her lips held together tightly, arms crossed.

“Sorry isn’t shit.”

“You’re completely justified in your anger. It’s okay,” Don admitted in defeat, placing his hands on his knees. “I hate myself too.”  Sally had a stunned expression as she sat up straight, overlooking her father. “Why are you looking at me like that,” he muttered.

“I always knew. I’m just surprised to hear you say it out loud.” They sat in the darkness, Sally didn’t need to offer him any words of comfort because there was nothing else that could be said.

\----------

That morning Don made toast and eggs. As a family they ate together, Sally excusing herself to get dressed.  When she reemerged she dug through the closet and put on her Equestrian boots near the doorway. Her hands were on her hips when she was done, her foot tapping.  And it was more than enough of a sign that breakfast was over.

She said it was nice being alone riding her horse. Holding the reins she felt in control. That was the thing about children though, they never do have any control in their lives.

Don found himself reflecting on that as he smoked his cigarette, watching her ride around with a look of stern concentration. He rubbed Bobby’s head as he kept on pointing at each of the horses, naming the colors and which ones were his favorite. He also said something about cowboys. Baby Gene stayed strangely silent, just observing.

Maybe they were the ghost of what they once were. This shouldn’t be as different as any other time Don had taken them out but ever since their loss, it was hard to forget just what made their family complete. Bobby talking about his mother. Sally complaining about her. The tension Don would feel as he’d drop them off with Betty and Henry.

That just wasn’t going to happen now.

His heart ached when he was with his family. It was so much easier to distance himself. But all this made him whole.

Don felt an overwhelming fear just seeing Sally so independent. She’d grown taller, she was looking more like a woman every day. Their relationship more and more complicated, more convoluted, but even richer than anything he had ever known.

He loved her dearly.

So much that he felt ill at the mere thought. There was a bit of him in her, sometimes he’d see it, sometimes he’d worry if it was a good thing or not.

The world was a scary place for a woman, he didn’t realize that until now.

She overcame each obstacle, her horse obeying her every order and in stride she came to a halt by the shade of a tree. Her eyes searched for her family, looking proud, and a little smug.

Lunch was at a McDonalds.

And their evening was spent at a drive-in.

When they were back at home, Don carried baby Gene in his arms. He tried to hold Bobby’s hand, but he moved it away from him.

It was true Bobby was too old for that sort of stuff, but it didn’t make it any less heartbreaking. All three went to their rooms. Bobby and Gene probably reading comic books under the covers and Sally doing her schoolwork.

With his work spread across the table, Don continued to brainstorm any remainder of Coke campaign. He thought of calling Peggy to see if she had breadcrumbs of an idea to inspire him but somehow dialing her number felt more complicated than it really was.

Sally came from her room to get a glass of water. Her eyes focused on one of the papers on the table and she took a look at it.

“Hmm.”

“What,” Don crossed his arms, appearing to be amused that his daughter had taken interest in his work.

“Usually you’d do brands for stuff I’d see at the clearance rack.”

“Funny.”

“Sounds like a hippie wrote this.”

“I never told you what I got caught up in over at California.”

“Do I really want to know?”

“I learned a lot, got inspired.”

“Did drugs?”

“No. Not that time…,” he sighed and furrowed his brow. “…that I can remember at least.”

She was just kidding, maybe she should stop doing that.

“So people holding hands on top of a hill. That’s supposed to make me feel like there isn’t a war going on? That there aren’t people dying for no legitimate reason?”

“No. But it’s much deeper that. It’s a connection we have, it’s about a connection that we have to one another and to the world we live in. To the sun, to the mother-earth, to the ground we walk on and the air we breathe.”

“But does that really mean anything to you?”

“It does. It’s what brought me back from the brink of something that almost swallowed me whole. It’s what brought me here, back to you.”

Sally looked right into her father’s eyes and dropped her head. “Even if I said I didn’t want you to come back.”

“Even then Sally,” Don warmly smiled, placing his hand over hers’. She stayed still before making her exit, a small smile at the corner of her lips.

\-----------

“Italy. We should film in Italy. France is too romantic and England, it rains too much. The commercial probably would never make it past the shoot,” Peggy stood at the helm of a large table. Man after man sitting, watching her in awe. “What better place than Italy? Catholic roots, Tuscan vineyards, land stretches on forever the greenest green you will ever see…amazing food.”

Everyone laughed.

Don was among those men, he was beaming. He was already aware of her presence, but he’d be a liar if it didn’t please him to see everyone else in that room moved by her.

This woman could actually talk, this woman could speak loud enough to direct everyone’s attention to her, this woman was full of very, very good ideas.

She was one hell of girl, that Peggy.

They made their way down the hall, triumphant in their victory.

“I can’t believe this is really happening,” she grinned wide, sheepishly looking at Don who was equally excited. “I was worried my sweat stains would show through.” She lifted her armpit and looked.

“They’re as dry as a desert, sweetheart. You did great. How about we have dinner together, a victory dinner. It’ll be on me.”

“Of course it’ll be on you. It’s always on you,” Peggy laughed then sighed, growing serious again. “I can’t though.”

“You’re surprisingly less available. Should I hate Stan?”

“No. This is probably the fourth or fifth time you’ve asked,” she clutched on her binders, lingering near the doorway to her office. “I think we need to talk.”

“About?” Don took the cue to go inside her office, she entered as well closing the door behind her.

“I’ve been thinking for a while and I’m sure you’ve noticed how I’ve been… _different_.”

At that moment Don realized nothing good could follow after that statement. Of course he’d noticed.

“Okay,” his face was deadpan. “Well I hadn’t noticed,” Don lit a cigarette, an eyebrow cocked.

“I’m not sure how you’ll take this without hating me but what we’ve been doing…”

“What have we been doing?” Don narrowed his eyes.

“Don’t act like you don’t know. It feels natural but it isn’t. When I spent the night I realized—“

“We were drunk. People get drunk and they do things. I didn’t lay a hand on you. Is that what Stan’s suggesting?”

“Stan has nothing to do with it,” Peggy snapped, slamming her binder onto the table.

“Then what’s the problem?”

“It’s not right. The things I say, the things I do. I know we’re not sleeping together but it feels like we’re doing everything _but_ that. And it’s like I’m shitting on Stan. I said it before that I can’t be waiting on you. And I’m still not going to do it.”

“You just happen to be there. It’s nothing special,” his words cut like a knife. It was a reflex, he was so hurt he couldn’t control the venom coming out. “I’m not the one getting you drunk. I don’t put a gun to your head and tell you to hold my hand.”

“Are we really going there Don,” Don gave her a look that said yes, there was that line and Peggy was just angry enough to cross it, “You’re the one always inviting me to your pity party. Maybe if you actually dealt with your problems instead of moping around we wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t need me.”

“I **don’t** need you.”

“I only wanted space but now you throw a temper tantrum. Christ, you’re a grown man.” Peggy lit a cigarette, her eyes squinting in complete and utter contempt as she sucked on it and blew smoke in Don’s face, “Fuck you Don. Just get the fuck out of here.”

“Suit yourself!” In a fit of anger Don swung the door open nearly running into Meredith who seemed to be eavesdropping.

“Mr. Draper!” she exclaimed, nearly falling back, resembling a frightened kitten.

“What is it?”

“Mr. Hobart wanted to speak to you after the meeting but you didn’t stay. He wants to see you in his office. Is everything alright?”

“Yes. I’m fine.  Tell him I’ll be there in half an hour. And get me some ice.”

“Certainly Mr. Draper!”

Don made his way to the vending machine, dropping a coin inside and selecting the Hershey bar. Nothing came out. He slammed it. Still nothing. With the flat of his palm he slammed it again. Then again and again. He started kicking in the thing, denting it. By then he had attracted an audience.

Meredith was standing in front of the crowd with a bucket of ice. Her eyes were wide.

“God damnit Meredith, get me my candy bar or at least my money back.”

“Mr. Draper…but you’re so rich already. What’s ten cents going to do for you?” she said in a hushed voice.

“Get me my money. Talk to whoever you need to talk to,” Don rushed to his office and slammed the door behind him. He covered his face, he was so flushed and angry and embarrassed and a million other things at once.

Why did he have to say that? Why did he have to do that?

That was Peggy. _His_ Peggy.

He worked with her, drank with her, he only felt tenderness for her. He just couldn’t think it, much less say it. He sighed and covered his face. Now he had to drink himself down from whatever panic attack he was suffering.

There was a noise behind him, a shadow that moved below the door. He saw a dime get pushed underneath, then a candy bar.

Poor Meredith, that sweet thing. He really knew how to lay it on thick.


	8. Chapter 8

At Roger’s suggestion Don came to the charity event with some arm candy. She was a suitable date, a talkative smart brunette with a sun-kissed tan—which was unusual given the amount of rain New York had been subjected to as of late. He wasn’t in the best of spirits but he cleaned up, put on a handsome smile and showed up. Searching for anyone familiar, his eyes scanned the crowd of glitz and glamour.

Where the fuck was Jim?

“This is nice. Better than nice actually,” his date commented, he was half listening. He smiled and nodded.

Don downed the champagne bitterly the second someone came by with drinks.

Damn it, he needed to cut down on that already.

With his date trailing behind Don made his move the second he spotted that ham in a suit.  It appeared Jim and Ferg were lost in a conversation, Don interrupting the both of them.

“Well hello there,” Don grinned, patting Ferg’s back. “This party is great.”

“McCann’s the best. Probably leaves your little water cooler socials in the dust huh,” Jim lit a cigar, looking pleased with himself, “Why did it take you so long to come on board? You liked the thrill of saying no?”

“I’m enjoying the perks so far. No complaints here,” Don responded.

“So are you going to introduce us to your date,” Ferg cut in offering his hand out to her. She smiled.

“Sure. This is Donna.”

“Nice to meet you both,” she said. A natural when showered with attention, she practically was glowing by then.

“She is beautiful. You are beautiful sweetheart, what can I do to get you to come to an audition one of these days,” Ferg purred flirtatiously. That charm wasn’t cutting it though. No matter how hard he tried, he wasn’t Don. Jim looked at him in contempt, oh god, nowhere near Don.

“Oh I’d have to politely decline. Modelling isn’t my forte. But I’m flattered.”

Don grimaced turning his attention to Jim, “Could I speak to you for a moment?”

“Sure.”

“Excuse me honey, I’ll go get us some drinks. You stay put,” he rubbed her shoulder. She nodded and continued to speak to Ferg regardless of how painful it would be.

Don and Jim settled down at the bar.

“What can I do to change your mind,” said Don.

“About,” questioned Jim, blowing out smoke.

“Italy.”

“Oh I see,” he smirked, “Not going to happen. The gears are already set in motion.”

“I was— _We_ were under the impression that we had the go-ahead for Italy. I mean…England is beautiful but it pales in comparison.”

“We already talked about this. I’m not going back on it, I’m glad she’s full of ideas but they’re not all winners. Trust me England is the place to film it, every bit as breathtaking as Italy. It’ll be a rousing success, I’m confident in that. You should be too.”

“Okay. Give me a little control, at least some say in where we’re going, because I have to admit you pulled the rug right from under me.”

“Is it worth it?”

“What?”

“It sounds like you’re being less compliant just because I rejected your subordinate’s idea. She should be used to rejection and if she isn’t already, then she needs learn the way the world works.”

“She’s smart, Jim,” Don’s voice grew stern.

“Did I hit a nerve, I apologize. Of course she’s smart, she didn’t make her way up cause of her looks,” he laughed. Don gave him a stone-cold glare. “If she’s so upset tell her to fight her own battles.”

“It’s the principle. I can’t leave the boardroom again without thinking you’ll take my campaign in a completely other direction when the feeling just hits you.”

“You’re going to have to accept no as an answer before you can move forward. You aren’t the sheriff anymore”

Don was silent, accepting his defeat. The man wasn’t about to budge, it was as clear to see. Just as the thought occurred to him, Jim continued speaking.

“She took it well. But it was as if she were hearing it for the first time when I called her to my office. Don’t worry I’ve already extended an olive branch, I offered her an invitation to this soiree.”

“She’s here?”

“Just saw her a moment ago. She was wearing a striking emerald green dress,” Jim appeared to be amused as it all sank in, Don’s face changing into a grim expression, “Judging by the look on your face you hadn’t told her. Just think of it like I took the blame off of you. Simple as that. But a bit of advice, you need to work on your communication. If you don’t man your boat, it could easily sink.”

Don quickly excused himself and with enough searching, sure enough he saw Peggy. She was in fact wearing emerald green standing to the side of the hubbub moving her hands wildly as she talked to Stan. Without a moment’s hesitation Don approached them.

“Greetings asshole,” Stan muttered under his breath.

“Don what the hell,” Peggy hissed, she grasped at his arm with a claw-like grip, pulling him away to the balcony. There was a man enjoying the view outside and Peggy snapped at him, “Out.”

There was an awkward silence that followed, Don’s head hung low as he rubbed his chin, Peggy crossing her arms, visibly frustrated.

“You look great,” Don muttered smoothly. Immediately Peggy shot him a glare.

“Jim calling me to his office. I shat bricks, Don. And he humiliated me. You two must have laughed behind my back. _Oh it was going so well, good job Peggy_.”

“No. Peggy. That is the last thing I would have wanted.”

“Right,” she groaned, “You’re not any different than the rest of them. Not that I should be surprised. You were a shoe-in for the boy’s club.”

“Peggy why would I lie? You know I am as 100% behind this as you are.”

“I don’t know. Passive aggression. It seems a little too convenient.”

“Convenient?”

“You know what I mean,” she snapped back.

“I see. I understand how it’d look that way,” Don raised his hands hoping she’d calm down but she didn’t, her face was flushed, her lips holding back whatever flurry of insults she was ready to unleash on him. He had at least ten seconds left so he gathered up the best thing he could say to calm her down. He might as well come clean. “He called me to the office so yes I knew. I pled our case then. He wasn’t swayed. I came to this ridiculous party hoping maybe booze could make it easier to change his mind. I want nothing more than to be your friend again. I’m not that man anymore. I’m not the Don that knocked Ted Chaough down because I was afraid there was someone out there better than me.”

Her eyes blinked quickly once he said the word _friends._ She was so close to forgiving him but she wasn’t letting up that easy. She moved away from him, staring at the floor then at the view of the city. But she was calmer at least.

“Did you know before me?”

Don was silent for a second before answering, “Yes. But—“

And the peace was gone. “ _But_ ,Don? You could have saved me a hell of a lot of trouble. I could have handled him, I could have come up with a good enough argument. I wouldn’t be half as angry—“

“Look, I’m sorry with how I’ve handled this. I know I should have told you.”

“I was stupid for thinking we were equals. We clearly aren’t. I’m at the shit end of it. Just a bunch of stupid men in suits,” she was disgusted, nodding her head side to side. “It’s not right. My angle was great and if this fails, you have the privilege to blame it all on me.”

“No.”

“Yes. You have a contract. Jim bought you, I’m the baggage that came with everything else.”

“You’re bright. You have a great future ahead of you and he’ll see that.”

“What if he doesn’t, Don? Have you figured that into your equation?”

“You’re getting ahead of yourself. If I’ve learned from anything is that we need to play it safe, go with the currents and eventually we’ll find our way.”

“If you go with the currents you’ll drop down a waterfall with sharp rocks at the bottom or you get sucked up into the sea and drown. There’s nothing good about your stupid metaphor!”

“We’ll work with Jim but still make it ours.”

“I know you’re thinking I’m sensitive about such a little thing but this was my foot in the door.”

“But you’re strong, you know you’re good.”

“I never doubted that. But I am doubting you.”

Peggy always did have a way of having the last word. Don leaned back against the railing, his head spinning from everything at once.

She was getting sick of being the one always having to leave, but whenever she wanted to escape she just walked forwards in a rush without any other thought in mind. Stan stopped her dead in her tracks, his hands on her shoulders just as she got to the lobby.

“Hey what’s happening?”

“I’m not sure what I need more. A drink or to get out of here.”

“Don’t let them ruin your fun. They have all these fancy names for finger-food us peasants eat regularly. I’d make fun of that shit if it didn’t taste so damn good.”

“Stan.”

“What? I put on my good tux for you, let me wear it out first.”

“You do look good.”

“Thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.”

He leaned in and kissed her cheek, she smiled, wrapping her arms around him, pulling him close. There was this instant calming effect when they’d embrace. It was nice. She brought a little bit of home here with her.

“What I need right now is you. I want to watch stupid tv and crawl into bed with you. I want this place to be a million miles away.”

There was no fight in him, he just nodded, smiling ear to ear. “Well if you put it that way.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Deciding to take a scenic route they both ended up at a diner. Peggy ordered some coffee and pancakes, meanwhile Stan ordered a grilled cheese. In silence they ate, Stan reading the newspaper, wiping the crumbs from his beard occasionally. Something was nice about being so formally dressed in such an ordinary place.

Peggy watched him, then took a drink out of her mug. It was so bitter, and tasted burnt. She cringed. “Do you think I overact sometimes?”

“Huh,” Stan was startled out of his moment of Zen.

“I won’t get angry, I promise. You’ve known me long enough to have a well-developed opinion.”

“Yeah. Well. I’m not sure what you want me to say,” he rubbed his chin.

“I don’t want to hear what I want to hear. I want you to be honest.”

“Honey. I’m perfectly happy with us not fighting today. I don’t want to go to my stupid apartment and sleep alone.”

“You need to just move out already.”

“Really,” he looked a little too pleased with that suggestion.

“I didn’t say you need to move in with me,” Peggy smirked. “So c’mon answer my question.”

“I’d say that yes—sometimes you do overdo it. I’m usually at the receiving end. But most times it’s for a good reason. I’ve had it coming and you delivered the punishment I so greatly needed.”

“I can tell you’re carefully choosing your words. I respect that. You’re probably the only person who takes me seriously. I see it in the way they look at me. That place is making me suddenly appreciate what we had before.”

“We were pretty set then huh?”

“I’m not saying yes, but I’m not saying no either. I think memories are always better or worse than what they really were, I want to stay somewhere in the middle. But I do know I didn’t have to worry about keeping a straight face at all times.”

“That Jim guy looks like he has a stick rammed up his asshole.”

“He does doesn’t he?”

“Yes. And Don, Don just loves it when you give it to him. He always let you tell him off. Word got round fast you were his favorite.”

“I don’t think so.”

“You get special treatment and you don’t even know it. When he fired Mathis it was because he gave him lip. Zero hesitation.”

“I thought it was because he completely fucked up that pitch.”

“It didn’t help. But talk like that—although men like to not think of it this way—they are paranoid hens. All that talk made it up to Jim and the thought of a woman being his golden goose’s protégé didn’t sit well with him. I’m still not sure if he hates you or he’s putting you through a test.”

“Shit. You’re right. Why didn’t I think about it that way? Instead I screamed at Don.”

Stan smirked crookedly, taking a sip out of his orange juice. “Well—it’s not that he’s undeserving.”

“You’re so bad.”

“You said you wanted to leave work behind back at the party. But you brought it back here. There’s just no winning with that brain of yours’. When we get back home want to get stoned?”

Peggy laughed, “Yes. Let’s get stoned.”  

\---

Don arrived at work to find two plane tickets to England on his desk. He picked them up and read their destination curiously. Without a single thought he tore them in half, tossing the tickets into the trash bin. Meredith watched through the open crack of the door.

“Mr. Draper,” her eyes were wide, “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know.”

“Never heard you sound so uncertain of yourself before. It’s shocking.”

“Yes you have and what do you want?”

“Nothing. Just reminding you that Bobby’s play is tonight. You’re going to leave early correct?”

“Of course,” he nodded, preoccupied by the paperwork on his desk.

“Is Ms. Olson stopping by today—“Meredith gave Don a meaningful look, he cocked an eyebrow.

“How should I know? You’re my secretary.”

“Just asking because,” she was clearly walking on eggshells, trying to get some point across, “…since the incident…”

“What incident,” Don had a straight face, if it weren’t for his eyes she’d probably would have fallen for his rouse.

“I understand feelings are...difficult to handle but…”

“Meredith, sweetheart, stop yourself right there,” he sighed out looking clearly exasperated. “Whatever you heard was taken out of context.”

“I worry about you.”

“You shouldn’t. I’m just fine. Look at me.”

She did look at him and it was clear she wasn’t convinced by what she saw.

“I’ve scheduled many dates for you. Different names each time. I’ve seen at least a dozen women leave this office. I’ve kept a roster full of different phone numbers just to remember who is who.”

“You’re keeping count? This conversation is getting far too personal.”

“I know but there’s a point, and I’ve reached it. You deserve love just like anyone else.”

“She’s close. And friends fight.”

“Friend? That’s good,” her eyes brightened, “Everyone needs friends.”

“Okay okay. Get to work already,” he motioned her out. Before he could sit down Roger had already let himself in, busy with pouring a drink from Don’s bar.

“I am suffering here. You would never guess who Marie’s fucked now…”

Don’s eyes nearly rolled back as he leaned into his chair.

\------------

On the cab to Bobby’s school, Don had his first real moment of silence. He felt relief rush over him. Food and drinks with a melancholy Roger wasn’t his preferred way to pass the day. His head was left behind somewhere. It was getting repetitive already. Don knew just what Roger was caught in, it was some sort of masochistic thing, not too far off from whatever thrills he once got at his job before the stability of McCann. This sort of thing was lost on Don now.

He could never really remember liking the fights. Each time it wore away at him, it wore away at Betty and at Megan until the light was gone from their eyes. It sucked them dry. Sometimes Don wanted to ask Roger about what Megan was doing although he shouldn’t, maybe he was nostalgic but it was always at the tip of his tongue. His heart wanted to know, but his brain knew better.

Before he entered the auditorium he caught sight of all the families. This was some distant fantasy of his, one he had ever since he was a child, always an outsider looking in. They were spread out like extras in a movie, talking about a million different things. Mothers, fathers, children. Don longingly stared at them. Deciding it was a little too much he went back outside to smoke a cigarette alone.

When he was ready he sat amongst the audience. He immediately locked eyes with Henry who was just getting seated as well. The play had started already but Bobby immediately beamed when he caught sight of the two influential men in his life. Bobby was performing in Peter Pan. Sadly Bobby agonized over not getting the part of Peter but maybe it was for the best. He was having too much fun stealing the spotlight from the main actors.

They were well midway through the play by the time he had a real line, one that he said with such enthusiasm, Don couldn’t help beaming. From the view Don could see Henry’s usual stern face brighten as well, the hint of a smile curling his lips upwards.

When it was over Don already had in mind taking Bobby out for some pizza and a movie but since Henry was further up front they were already in mid conversation by the time Don approached them.

“Hey Dad,” Bobby grinned, “What did you think?”

“You were great. I think you stole the show,” Don laughed.

“I was just telling him that,” said Henry, his hand on Bobby’s shoulder. Henry and Don exchanged a look, one that two men still in mourning would instantly understand. It surprised Don just how close Henry was to his children. The bond was almost instantaneous. There was a pang of jealously that’d always linger when they were breathing the same air. It faded significantly as of now.

“Dad can I go with Henry for ice cream?”

“Why not,” said Don, breaking contact with Henry. He saw the man’s shoulders relax. There was no room for conflict here, if anything Don was tired of it.

“Great,” Henry said, patting Bobby’s shoulder. “I’ll have him back early.”

“Sure.”

They parted ways amicably.  

Don came in an empty cab and now he left in one.

\-----

The phone was ringing and Peggy wasn’t answering it. She was screaming out a window at one of her tenants who hadn’t paid their rent. It was far from music to Stan’s ears but he wasn’t about to say anything. Instead he decided to make himself useful and answer the phone the only way he knew how.

With a joke.

“Olson residence, with who do I have the pleasure?”

He instantly regretted this. There was silence. Heavy breathing before he heard an older woman speak shrilly.

“This is her mother. Who is this?”

 _Oh shit._ Stan cringed. Maybe he had one too many and it clouded his judgement.

“Hold on let me get her.”

“No. No. I need to know who you are.”

“I’m um. I’m a friend.”

“You’re going to have to get more specific than that…or I’ll call the cops on you.”

“My name is Stan. I can get her right now if you’d just—“

“If I’d just what?”

“Ma’am. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful.”

Peggy walked towards Stan, looking like she had just sucked on a lemon, dragging her slippers and pulling her robe tight. “Who’s that,” she pointed.

“I uh…” instead of giving her a complete answer Stan just handed her the phone.

“Who is this?”

“Peggy it is your mother. I don’t even know what to say. Who was that man?”

“Ma. It’s nobody,” she covered her face, motioning for Stan to leave the room with her other hand.

“He doesn’t sound like a nobody. Are you just having strange men over at your house?”

“He’s my boyfriend.”

“Is that any better?”

“Why did you call Ma? Why are you suddenly calling me?”

“Are you that surprised that a mother would want to check on her daughter?”

“I’m doing fine, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Are you two living together?”

“Does it even matter? This is my life not yours’. There’s more important things…”

“Oh—like what?”

“Good things…with my career. I’ve been placed on the Coca-Cola account. It’ll be a matter of time before you see the commercials. They’re filming them right now. I mean, how crazy is that? A national…maybe even global campaign and I had some part in it.”

There was silence on the other side of the line. Peggy felt tense all of a sudden. Was it frustration? Was it sadness? She didn’t know, she felt her stomach twist in a knot.

“And you expect me to care? Why should I care if my daughter’s going to hell?”

Peggy shut her eyes, mentally telling herself she was stupid for even sharing the news. Stupid for wanting her acceptance yet another time.

“I have some place to be,” Peggy muttered, “Good bye.” And she hung it up.

The world was unfair. Just reduced to who she was sleeping with, nothing else was important.

It wasn’t long before the phone rang again but she didn’t answer it. Stan emerged from the living room looking confused.

“Is it her again,” he questioned curiously.

“Just ignore it,” Peggy opened a new pack of cigarettes, pulling one out with her teeth because her hands were shaking so much. “We’re definitely not going to one of her thanksgivings any time soon, you don’t need to worry about that.”

“Thank god!” Stan exclaimed, then noticed her timid expression. “Hey I was about to pop out to get us something to eat. Have anything in mind?”

“No. I trust your taste. Get whatever you want.” She waved him off before making her way to the couch, throwing herself onto it. Her gaze moved towards her ginger cat perched at the window looking outside. Her tail was moving side to side watching a bird somewhere off in the distance. She’d never identified with her more.

\-----------

Peggy and Don stood side by side staring at the portfolio they had made together chronicling every single aspect of the campaign so far. Neither of them felt as enthusiastic about it as they once had. Don placed his hands on his hips watching Peggy lean down to leaf through the photos of the people who were to be cast.

“Children and Professors? There’s still something off.”

“I think it’s great.”

“And white cliffs? Don…”

“Okay well…Jim has his ideas.”

“And he really pushed them,” she was sounding like an upset mother ridiculing her son but in fact the both of them were a little disappointed at the end result. “It’s good but—“

“I know. _You_ prefer your approach, _I_ prefer your approach.”

“Nothing feels more worldly than people from every corner of the earth. Why couldn’t he understand? Why did he have to make it into a race thing?”

“It’s controversial. We’re spending a lot of their money. That’s probably why Jim is so invested in his ideas and it being a guaranteed success.”

“If I didn’t know any better it’s like Kennedy didn’t exist,” Peggy said bitterly, taking a step back. “What did you say again? Roll with the punches?”

“Something like that,” Don blew out smoke from his cigarette before snuffing it out in his ashtray.

“Where did our fight go? How did we end up here?”

“Biding our time. Remember when you made me write all those tags. I was so angry, but I stuck it out,” there was a sparkle in Don’s eye and Peggy smirked.

“I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t get off on it.”

“ _Get off on it_ ,” Don questioned as he grinned, “You’re a sadist.”

“You and I, Don,” she sighed out as she motioned at all their work. “What this is, is a work in progress. I won’t accept it any other way.”

“Do you ever hear yourself talk,” there was an amused look on his face, Peggy just shrugged him off.

“What I’m doing is talking us both off the cliff. I notice I’m doing it more and more now and days.”

“Well you’re strong then. Stronger than me. There’s a possibility your good vibes will sway things to go our way.”

“ _Vibes_?”

“What?”

“I never thought I’d ever hear you say that. What the hell did California do to you?”

Their eyes locked, this was probably the first time for a while they had done that. Smiling at one another like the old friends that they were. It was nice—not that everything was suddenly fixed though, but it was a good first step.

There was a knock on the door suddenly.

“Yes,” Don said sternly, not that surprised when Meredith peeked her head in.

“I apologize, we’re having trouble with the phone lines but ehm—I have some news. Jim would have told you himself but—“

“You don’t need to explain, just tell me.”

“They’re shutting down the shoot.”

“What? What happened?”

“Well,” Meredith said softly, closing the door behind her. “It’s been raining three straight days in a row. They’ve been wasting more money than they want. Jim says that…” Now she couldn’t hide her smile. “Italy is a go.”

Don and Peggy’s jaws nearly dropped. Don turned to Peggy, tucking one hand into his pocket with a pleased look in his eye. Peggy placed her hand over her mouth, hiding her uncharacteristically large smile.

“Holy shit,” Peggy exclaimed.

Don moved towards Meredith and rubbed her shoulder, “That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long while.”

“I know,” Meredith clutched the papers in her hands, her voice still soft when it didn’t have to be. “It was a disaster. He sounded so frazzled.”

“Everyone gets a drink,” Don walked towards his bar serving three glasses of whiskey. He handed the glasses to the two women in the room. “To rainy days. Let there be many many more.”

The three of them cheered before taking a drink.


	9. All the clouds she's yet to touch

“Would you say you’re prepared for the opportunity of the lifetime? No—wait. I’m about to present you with a once in a lifetime opportunity, now it’s up to you whether or not you take it. No it’s not right.” Don mumbled, watching himself on a mirror. Meredith was standing behind him appearing to be concerned.

“It’s supposed to be fun too. You keep forgetting that,” she nagged.

“All I want is a yes.”

“I know but you’re making it sound too serious.”

“I shouldn’t have even asked for your opinion.”

“You did say I knew women well, didn’t you?”

“I said you’re a woman and I need a woman’s advice.”

“Then let me do my job,” she crossed her arms.

“We’re not on the best of terms,” Don said timidly, his gaze looking the other way. “I crossed a line that was best left uncrossed.”

“What,” suddenly interest grew in her eyes. Instinctively Don shut her out. She had more than enough details. Too many details, honestly.

“So what do you think?”

“It’s too wordy. You should just give her the envelope and see where she goes from there.”

He didn't say a thing, he just sighed, hunching his shoulders.

“Don,” she placed her hand on his shoulder, Don looked at her through the reflection of the mirror appearing to be apprehensive about whatever she was about to say next. “Just let it be.” She shut her eyes and nodded slowly, words laced with far too much meaning. “Things have their way of working out.”

Don cringed. Meredith's thinking was hardly within the realm of reality but she did simplify things like a child would.

He composed himself, sitting up straight in his chair. “It’ll be fine. The prospect is more than enough initiative.”

\---------

An unmarked envelope was on Peggy’s desk. As if it were Pandora’s Box she opened it quickly, half expecting a pink slip telling her she was fired. But for once it wasn’t the absolute worst, if anything it was the very opposite.

Peggy’s fingers traced over the printed text on her plane ticket rereading the words over and over again. She felt herself trembling, her heart racing. It had to be a joke. It just had to be.

There was a tug at her heart and she somehow found herself outside of Don’s office. Her hand was flat on the door that was open a crack. He rarely ever left it open. Don was the one to completely isolate himself in the silence of his own mind. She didn’t blame him but there he was, leaning back in his chair staring at the ceiling.

Her palms were so sweaty that she half wondered if the ticket in her hand was soaking yet.

“What’s this,” she placed the ticket on Don’s table.

“What do you think,” he smiled.

“I know what it is. But is it for me?”

“Of course,” he chuckled, his eyes twinkling.

There was a silence between the both of them, the sound of typewriters and phones ringing filled the room. Several different expressions passed through Peggy’s face until she finally accepted his words. She bit on her lip, still in disbelief.

“I’m used to shitty hotel rooms in small towns. I got bitten by bed bugs once, it was a nightmare.”

Don wasn’t so sure why Peggy had to add in that bit but he couldn’t help imagining her scratching the welts on her skin, cussing under her breath, rubbing calamine lotion all over herself. It just made him smile harder.

“All you have to do is pack your bags. When we get there you have complete authority to treat everyone like trash," he said jovially. 

“Great. So Jim caved?”

“You could say that.”

“Okay,” she said to herself. “Okay then,” she said even louder with more certainty in her voice.

“Okay,” he said softly, standing up to congratulate her.

She instinctively leaned in to embrace him but then stopped herself, Don offered his hand out to her instead and she shook it. She shook it hard.

“Don’t fuck this up Don,” she said with a crooked grin, her dry humor was always endearing.

Don looked amused, squinting his eyes before placing his hand over hers’. “I wouldn’t want to give you the pleasure.”

Immediately Peggy went home and packed her suitcase, then took a moment to really assess everything that had just happened.  It was like leafing through a picture-book. Like something that’d happen to someone else. She reassured herself that she was the master of her own destiny. She knew that. She had the ambition. Don saw that in her, even admired it.  Sometimes the pride in his eyes gave her butterflies in her stomach, she’d never had someone believe in her the way he did.

As far as she knew her future was up in the air. And she decided that only good things could happen now.


	10. Roundabout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave this a couple of once-overs so I hope it's typo free. I'm a little sleepy posting this so I may have overlooked stuff. My apologies. Hope you guys are just as invested in this as I am. Enjoy x

“I want you to see what comes between the idea and the finished product. It’s going to be mind-blowing seeing something of this scale to come together.  And I did promise you an international presence, consider this the vital first step. Take Ms. Olson if you’d like. Think of it as a work vacation. Work with all the amenities you deserve. We value your presence here. I’m sorry if we’ve led you to believe that that wasn’t that case.  I want you to have time for both work and play and believe me there’s plenty of play. You’re a man that things just happen to.”

Don could still see that nervous smile on Jim’s face now.

He strolled out of the spacious office with a shit-eating grin after hearing that prepared speech coming from the dead man walking. It was about as clear as day that Coca-Cola wasn’t pleased with the recent turn of events. They weren’t pleased with McCann. And sure maybe it was Don’s ego talking but he could still remember the sparkle in their eyes the second he gave that pitch. It was intoxicating being back on top.  

He reclined his head back into the seat as the airplane started its engines. Peggy was beside him putting on her seat-belt, looking out the window with a worried look on her face. She kept on rubbing her palms together, then rubbing them on her beige slacks.

“Excited,” Don muttered, feeling her fidgeting beside him.

“No, this isn’t my first time on an airplane.”

“I know, Christ.”

“I haven’t gone this far though. You must be used to this sort of thing.”

“Humans weren’t made to be in the air otherwise we’d be born with wings. I just tolerate it.”

Peggy grew silent and eventually Don fell asleep when they were already in the air.

Hours passed, Peggy would find reasons to go to the bathroom just so she could stretch out her legs. She hated being seated for so long. When Don was in between naps he’d be jotting down notes on his notepad but it appeared he had fallen asleep again. His pen had fallen onto the aisle. During one of her stretches Peggy bent over and picked it up. Inscribed into it was Don’s name.

Fancy. Peggy wanted a pen like that too. Affectionately she tucked it into Don’s shirt pocket before sitting back down.

“Would you like a drink,” the stewardess approached her.

“Yes, a bloody mary.”

The woman looked at her in disbelief. “We do have more fruity drinks if you’d like.”

“Did I ask for a fruity drink,” Peggy hissed.

She sighed staring back out the window at the clouds, dusk spreading across the sky. This was a big deal, she just didn’t want Don to know she was freaking out a little. To him it was all just a walk in the park. He was used to being in control, being the boss.

She was too but not to this degree. Not in a million years would she think she’d be headed towards to Europe. Usually being flown across the US was a luxury. Suddenly she felt important.

When they landed she was culture shocked right off the bat. People looked different, more exotic, more fashionable. Even the more modest dressed exuded class.

“I’m exhausted,” Don walked beside her seemingly unfazed by his surroundings. “It’s been years since I’ve been here, it still smells like gasoline.”

“Everyone’s riding those things,” Peggy pointed at a vespa, looking at it strangely. The person honked and said something to her. She wasn’t sure if it was an expletive or a hello.

“We can rest today and a car should pick us up early and drive us to the shoot. It’s pretty out there so it’ll be quite a long ride.”

“I’m jet-lagged as all hell.”

“Sleep it off honey,” Don squinted his eyes fondly as he smoked a cigarette.

“Oh I am.”

There were a lot of stares, maybe men there gawked more. Peggy felt their lingering gazes, it was like she was the new girl all over again. Though it appeared Don was keeping the men at bay, she wasn’t sure if he was aware of it but it would have explained why he accompanied her to her hotel room before departing for his. The bellboy was walking at their side, a look on his face that spelled out curiosity. He wasn’t about to ask questions when Don had tipped him so generously.

“Don’t do anything I would do,” were Don’s final words before leaving. Peggy scoffed at him as the bellboy dropped off her luggage in the room.

She lingered near the doorway watching as Don turned his back on her, walking down the cream colored hall. Sometimes she found herself wondering what kind of man he was before. He didn’t seem to be the kind who awoke to be in this kind of position. He was drifting, wavering until he found his calling. Advertising seemed to be it. But to his benefit he was a chameleon.  He could fit in anywhere.

Peeling each layer of clothing off, Peggy threw herself onto her bed only wearing a nude colored silk slip.  After staring at the ceiling long enough, she started to absorb the other details of her room. She pulled the curtains open only to be surprised by the view. A bustling city. An endless amount of things going on all at once. It was beautiful to say the least.

She thought of the days the trip was supposed to last but it didn’t feel like nearly enough time given the amount of work she was going to do. As if she were making love, she was curious of every nook and cranny, wanting to explore as far as she could. Peggy felt her heart thump hard in her chest as she slid her fingers down the smooth surface of the window. The passion, the anticipation, the longing to experience every facet of the city. Far beyond the films she had seen in the theater.

_Rome._

This city was a stranger, and she knew perfectly well how easy it was to fall in love with someone she hardly knew.

\----

Don was asleep in bed when he was awakened by the phone ringing loudly. He answered it, accepting the charges. It was from Sally.

He immediately sat up straight.

She was somber when he heard her voice on the other side of the line. Just one word. “Dad.”

“What is it honey?”

“What time is it over there? Shit, I keep forgetting how it works.”

“It’s alright. I’m just sleeping in, you know how it is. It’s hard adjusting. Is everyone fine? Are you fine?”

“Gene and Bobby? Of course.”

She didn’t answer that second question, it left Don alarmed, “What’s going on?”

There was a long silence before she answered.

“It’s Glen,” her voice trembled. “A while ago I found out something—“

“Glen?”

“That boy that lived down the street when I was little. You’ve met him in passing.”

“I remember him,” Don smiled, thinking of the dark haired kid trying to keep the steering wheel straight.

“He went to war…like an idiot. I don’t know. It’s so so stupid. I’m asking so much of you.”

“Honey just say it.”

“I found out he was M.I.A. There’s hardly an evil bone in his body. He just rode straight into hell blind. I know people…they said things. He ran. They say he’s a coward. And I was scared, I was grieving him.”

“Christ,” Don felt a weight in his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I wanted to. But you were gone.”

_Of course he was._

“So what now? Did they find his body?”

“No,” Sally bit her lip, hesitating. The words were there but it was difficult to get them out. “He got in touch with me. He’s alive but in a bad place. And I was stupid. He asked how things were…and I told him the truth.”

“This is dangerous. Sally. You could be arrested.”

“I-I know. But he needs help. He really doesn’t sound good. He must have seen things, done things. Glen has been there since I could almost remember. ”

“I never knew. Does he need money? Any idea where I could contact him?” Don pulled out a notepad ready to jot down the information.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes honey.”

“Okay. Well he’s in France right now. I know it’s not close to you but maybe you could figure something out. The phone number I’m going to give you is a payphone. He’ll wait by it from 2:00 to 4:00 am,” she paused, her palms shaking, “And you’re really sure about doing this?”

“Yes,” Don said, “I’ll do what I can.” 

\---

Peggy was startled out of her sleep to hear a knock on her door. “Who is it?”

She half expected it to be someone from the hotel bringing room service to her room by accident. Hell—she wouldn’t have minded.  Her stomach was grumbling a bit.

“It’s Don.”

When she opened the door she noticed he was looking a little upset, maybe even anxious. She read his expression, instantly overwhelmed by concern. “You okay? Something bad happen?”

“Did you get a call? A big storm is coming through,” he sighed. “They aren’t filming today, in fact, they aren’t filming this whole week.”

“It’s that bad,” her eyes widened. “Crap. Where does that leave us then?”

“I don’t know but I need to go to France.”

“What? Why?”

“I can’t really say but—“

“But what,” Peggy brushed the hair behind her ear, her eyes puffy and bloodshot. “Spit it out. Did something happen.”

Don shut his eyes and breathed out, “Come with me. I want you to come with me.”

“Now? It has to be five in the morning.”

“It’s a favor for my daughter and I don’t want to go alone”

Peggy’s shoulders dropped and her lips parted as she carefully chose her next words. “But we just got here.”

“And we’ll be back.”

“What if Jim shuts us down?”

“I’ll fight it,” Don smiled. 

She knew it wasn’t that easy but there was something in his eyes that convinced her.

“I always thought working on Chevalier Blanc would take me there. Not you.”

“You’re going to have to pack, I’ll be waiting at the lobby. Alright?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

Don left in a whirlwind, Peggy trying to catch her breath, her back leaning against the wall.

 _What the fuck_ , she mouthed to herself.

In the darkness and the rain they got into a cab. When things settled down, Don handed Peggy a handkerchief because she was soaking wet, in fact they both were. She was flushed, no makeup on and a scarf wrapped around her head. She really did get out in a hurry. Don looked at her briefly before losing himself to other thoughts.

The car drove down small roads, complicated roads, the streetlights reflected off the windows like lanterns in the sky. Don stared at a lone man asleep on a bench, shrouded in the shadows, a silhouette with his back facing the street.

Before boarding the train she handed him a cigarette, which he graciously took. He lit her cigarette first then his. All around them were strangers talking in another language not that it felt that different from anywhere else. They had a talent for zoning people out. He could feel Peggy looking at him curiously, waiting for an answer why they were they there in the first place. Not a single word escaped her lips. She preferred to not delve in too deep, their silence was more comforting than anything else.

Don swallowed, his gaze veering off to the side as they got into the line, baggage in hand. “Thank you.”

“Oh,” Peggy was suddenly alert, tightening the peach colored trench coat she wore. “It’s okay. It’s Paris.” Her gaze grew soft but not meeting with his. “ _Paris_ , Don.”

He was silent, a smile creeping on his lips. “Yes.” Even he was a little excited himself.

“All those movies, the fashion, the music, the culture,” her eyes narrowed wickedly as she puffed at her cigarette, letting out a cloud of smoke through her lips.  “ _Let’s go to France._ How many girls have you said that to?”

“Just one,” he chuckled, “And she said no.”

“Stupid.”

“Yeah?” Don questioned as he put on his fedora. He turned towards the small brunette, appearing to be amused by her comment.

Peggy grimaced, crossing her arms. “What a fucking idiot.”


	11. The masks we wear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any typos. I'll probably revise this tomorrow but I was so excited about posting this that I decided to post it anyway. This chapter is pretty Peggy-centric so that's not a bad thing right? Hope you enjoy! x

The darkness didn’t seem to go, the rain so happened to follow them. The movement of the train on the tracks sometimes would startle Peggy awake. Each time she’d see Don in the same position, looking out the window, his chin resting against his fist. There was something on his mind that he wasn’t about to share with her. That was fine. It seemed to be a part of the agreement. He asked her to come and she said yes with hardly any hesitation.

When she was awake enough she stretched, her eyes eventually finding Don’s. Don had a half smile, a tired one that he put on just for show.

“What time is it,” she fixed her posture. “How long will it take?”

“9 am, I think. And it should be 11 or so hours.”

“Crap really?”

She excused herself to at least freshen up but changing into different wardrobe was more of a challenge. After a banged up knee and a bruised elbow, she had managed to shimmy out of her clothes and into a red dress. It was a nice look actually. This was a recent buy and she had almost forgotten how it fit her figure perfectly. Now the next task was make up, this she was dreading, she could barely keep her hand steady.

Meanwhile in his compartment Don decided to change as well. Removing his shirt, folding it and putting it away and putting on a cleaner crisper one. He tucked it in, put on his tie and folded up his sleeves. Work casual, or something like it. Don seemed satisfied with himself, spraying on a generous amount of cologne afterwards.

Peggy was still in the bathroom. Blue eyeshadow, a thin line of eyeliner to accentuate her lashes and then she moved on to another difficult task…the mascara. Immediately the train hit a bump, she cringed, nearly stabbing her eye with the brush. “God damnit,” she cursed. Someone then knocked on the door, “I’m busy!”

Eventually she was satisfied with her look. She admired her reflection on the mirror.

Much better...

There wasn’t much she could do with her hair so she put on a headband that pulled it back. Maybe it was a bit severe but that was fine, the ends seemed to be curling on their own. When she arrived back to the compartment she smiled at the sight of Don using his portable razor to shave his face.

Peggy was about to something  when she opened the compartment door and cringed from the overwhelming odor of cologne. “Wow. Yuck!”

Don’s eyes widened, “What?”

“The cologne is a bit much,” she laughed, leaving the door open. “I’d open the window but it’s still raining.”

He gave her the once-over, his eyes appearing to be  appreciative of her outfit, “You look like a doll.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment,” Peggy smirked crossing her arms. “So what’s the plan then?”

“Well,” Don paused, turning his razor off. “There isn’t much of one.”

“Oh,” Peggy sat down, her lips slightly agape. She placed her hands on her lap and sighed. “Are we eating breakfast or am I getting ahead of myself.”

“Breakfast is a fundamental part of the plan.”

“Okay. What if I already have in mind what I want? Or am I planning too far ahead?”

“Hush,” Don smiled, his eyes now downcast. “I have to make a phone call once we arrive and we’ll see what to do from then on. I already booked us hotel rooms so we have somewhere to sleep. The rest is up to you. For the most part, I’ll be off on personal business.”

“Well that’s fine. I know I’ll find more than enough things to keep me busy there.”

Don cocked an eyebrow and smirked. “What’s on your agenda then?”

“That’s not for you to know.”

It was still raining when they had finally arrived. Peggy was still full from blueberry pancakes and several martinis at the bar. She stood outside marveling at the grey skies, the flickering streetlights, and the doomed moths that hit them. In good spirits she twirled her orange umbrella, now watching the rain falling onto her suede boots in stray droplets. They could get ruined but some part of her didn’t care too much.

She could hear Don’s deep voice vibrate from inside the booth but she could barely make sense of any of the grunts outside of the _mhmm’s_ and _uh huh’s_ .

The whole thing was picturesque, like she was living out a movie herself. Her heart was thumping hard in her chest out of sheer excitement. Interrupting these good thoughts the rain poured harder, and the wind blew, it turned her umbrella inside out. _Crap!_ To get away from the harsh weather she confined herself in another phone booth that was connected to Don’s.

His head was already sticking out of his as if he were going to offer that they share his booth. Instead they were separated from one another. Don hung up the phone, looking visibly upset at how bad the conditions were outside. He had his hands on his hips as he looked out, then back at Peggy, who had sat down, her sunny outlook dashed a little.

“Can you hear me,” she pointed at her ear, making an attempt at sign language.

Don shrugged, then nodded side to side, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall.

At least a good ten minutes passed and the rain did not relent. They had both hoped it would have by then, but it poured with reckless abandon. Peggy felt lonely where she was, it felt even odder that Don was trapped in the same situation as well. Suddenly she had an idea. She pulled out a receipt from her pocket and scribbled on it with a chewed up pen that someone had left behind.

Great! It still worked.

Peggy wrote something down and then put it up against the glass so that Don could see. Don burst out into laughter, covering his face, then mouthing a few _okays_ to her.

He dialed a number and her phone started to ring. Peggy answered it with a stupid grin on her face.

“Who is this?”

“The name’s Pierre Derriere,” Don chuckled out. “Can you give me directions to a café?”

“There’s one at every corner Pierre. You could fall on your face and someone would sell you a cup of coffee!”

“You’re right!”

“I know,” Peggy snorted. “And the coffee here tastes like shit.”

“You’ve only had one cup and suddenly you’re so worldly.”

The brunette smiled widely then dropped her head bashfully as if the sweetest thought hit her head.  She was different, she felt different and it made the words come out so easy. “I like this.”

“Hmm?”

“I like all of this. And I like seeing you smile. You’ve been smiling more.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

“Maybe it’s the change of scenery. I hear it can change you.”

Don paused, “No. It’s not that.”

\------------

In a busy restaurant Don waited at a corner booth anxiously. For once he opted out on alcohol. He had a coke instead, watching the bubbles rise to the top. There was this longing at the pit of his stomach just from watching these gorgeous Parisian girls going about their day. Stray curls, loose fabric that hung off their perfect figures. Almost effortlessly beautiful but it seemed he had separated himself from the idea of even talking to them much less going further. They were aesthetically pleasing, but nothing more.

He wasn’t suddenly fixed though. Silently he contemplated that, guilting himself for even having the thought. Fiddling with his cigarette between his two fingers, he finally brought it to his lips. Lighting it, sucking then blowing. The cloud of smoke dissipating into nothingness was something he could never grow tired of.

“Mr. Draper,” a voice called him back to reality. The silence returned to the noise of ceramic against ceramic, glass against glass, many conversations being had at once. “Hi Mr. Draper. You still look the same huh?”

“Do I,” Don said timidly. “So you’re—“

“Glen. Yes,” the kid had a monotone voice. His hair was longer and in waves, it was a look of the time of course but something Don never entirely understood. He was wearing a loose green shirt, buttoned up to his chest, but not buttoned all of the way. So this was that little boy in the elevator?

Don offered his hand and Glen shook it rigidly before sitting down. “How have you been?”

“Why are you doing this,” Glen narrowed his pitch black eyes. There was no answer from Don, just silence. “There’s no connection here. I’ve seen you one or two times at least. You were never there.”

“You’re right,” Don raised his brows, “But Sally matters to me and by extension so do you.”

“Is she okay?”

“Of course.” Both Don and Glen smiled. “Would you want something to eat?”

Glen paused collecting some thoughts and processing them in his head. Clearly he wasn’t about to talk about food. Instead he looked tense and confused.

“Don’t you miss her?”

“Sally?”

“No. Betty.”

Don cleared his throat, immediately appearing to be melancholy. “Well we were divorced already.”

“It was your fault probably,” the boy said bluntly.

The older man didn’t agree but he swallowed, “She was happy with Henry. Much happier.”

“She didn’t look it.”

“You saw her?”

“Yes,” Glen rested his hands on the table, tapping his fingers, eyes darting. He was reliving the entire moment; holding her close, breathing in her perfume. His hand on her face, it was the last thing he could really remember before he left. He didn’t tell Don, but he grit his teeth. One of his hands balling into a fist. “You ruined her. The world ruined her.”

Don was surprised at the boy’s words. Just how close had he been to Betty?

Glen continued, “I thought if I went to war I’d come back a hero. I’d be a man and everyone would stop acting like I’m a kid.”

“I understand,” Don sighed out, reliving his own demons. “Remember the Korean war? I was there. I was so young then…”

“But you came back, you’re not on the run like me. I’m a coward. My mother thinks I’m a coward, my step-father, all my friends,” Glen said in a hushed whisper. “And you’re another stupid hero.”

Don clenched his jaw before speaking. “Okay so the world is shit. And you’re angry. And yes people will say things, but that’s all they ever do. They just say things. You couldn’t help the way you reacted, you didn’t know what you’d be subjected to. What’s on tv, what’s on the movies, in the newspaper, it’s not anywhere close to reality. It may resemble it but it isn’t. Nowhere close. Let me give you a word of advice, stop fighting the people who are trying to help. I’m writing the check and Sally wants to ensure your safety.  The least you could do is be thankful.”

“Okay,” Glen said, diverting his eyes elsewhere.

“Now back to my question earlier…have you eaten already?”

“No.”

“Alright then,” Don signaled at a waiter.

\-----

“I called the hotel looking for you. You weren’t there and now you’re in Paris?” Clearly Stan was upset, more worried than anything else. Peggy was silent for a moment before thinking of her response, maybe even a suitable excuse. The reality was that she got caught up in the adventure and forgot she had someone across the ocean missing her.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t say no. It is Paris.”

“It’s not that. It’s just—you could have called.”

“I know.”

“Do you like it there?”

“Yes,” Peggy tried to suppress her grin, but it was to no avail. “How could I not? It’s beautiful here. Everything’s beautiful here.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. And for some reason men are just so interested in me. Silly old me.”

“Why wouldn’t they be?”

“I don’t know. I’m not used to the attention.”

“Look at you. You like it don’t you?”

“Shut up! I don’t.”

“I find that hard to believe. So—what are you wearing,” his voice grew deep and Peggy stared down at her clothes. She wasn’t wearing anything particularly interesting.

“I’m getting ready to sleep. I’m wearing a slip, my panty hose…nothing else.”

Stan was instantly interested, “Now where did those panties slink off to?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I mailed them to you.”

“Funny.”

Peggy laughed. Still something felt off. There was dead silence between each response. She wasn’t sure if there was a delay because it was long distance or if it was something else entirely.

“Stan?”

“You know that thing we talked about…”

“What thing?”

“Before you left, when you asked if we could do something different. I’ve given it some thought. Since you’re over there and I’m over here…I know you have needs. Some needs I can’t necessarily meet…”

“Stan what the hell are you talking about?”

“Let me finish Pegs. What I’m saying is you have a free pass. Get to know yourself, act like that single girl you wish you could be. And when you get back tell me everything.”

“Are you breaking up with me,” Peggy’s mouth dropped open, her hand trembling. “You piece of crap. Did you already find a piece of tail while I was gone? Or was it when we were still together? I honestly should have known better!”

“What? No. Don’t jump to conclusions! What I’m saying is that I always feel like I’m holding you back and I get it you’re a wild thing.”

“No I’m not. What gave you that impression,” Peggy groaned, confused and defensive.

“C’mon you always seem to have an interest in seeking out a third person to join in on our bedroom shenanigans.”

“Oh. Well…why not?”

“I know I’m not half as open minded as you so I’m being a good boyfriend and I’m giving you this. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and wanting forever means you have to make compromises.”

“Why are you saying this now?”

“I don’t want to lose you that’s why. You’re there with me but your head is somewhere else. You say I’m not ambitious, you’re always shouting at me, I don’t know. I worry sometimes that I’m not enough.”

“Stan. No. I’m just—you know me. My brain is always somewhere else, it’s back in my office thinking up tags. It’s not you. I just need to learn to prioritize. It’s my fault.”

“Pegs, go enjoy yourself. I need you to.”

“Okay. Well…how’s work?”

“It’s just work,” Stan muttered.

“I miss you.”

“No you don’t,” he laughed, “Look I have fifteen minutes left of lunch and I haven’t even eaten.  You take care of yourself okay?”

“Sure. You too. I love you.”

“Love you.”

The call ended with a click, Peggy staring listlessly at the wall.

She needed a drink.

Peggy ended up at a bar, too drunk for her own good. She dipped her hand into the mixed nut bowl digging through it hoping to find a cashew. The Doors were playing on the radio. She hadn’t quite noticed the crowd that grew in size each time she looked around. In the sea of words she couldn’t quite understand she heard the name Jim Morrison said over and over again. Strange.

It just made her think more of Stan.

A blonde woman sat next to her at the bar, she had brown frayed leather messenger bag that she placed on the counter, it barely touched Peggy’s hand. Peggy squinted at the woman’s face. She was crying.

“Who the hell is the asshole who hurt you,” Peggy found herself saying out loud. The woman looked confused, then wiped her eyes with a napkin.

“You don’t know,” she had an accent, it was thick, but she was probably the first person who understood her.

“Know what?”

“Jim Morrison, they found him dead.”

“Oh,” Peggy moved away from her in shock, “I’m sorry.”

“All of Paris is in grief. People are either crying or celebrating the life he lived, no in between,” she lowered her head, her shoulders slouched. “I’m not sure what I should do.”

“You’re crying,” said the brunette, offering her a warm smile.

“I know,” the woman weakly returned the smile,“What’s your name?”

“Oh me. I’m just Peggy.”

“Just Peggy? I’m Genevieve.”

“Wow,” Peggy’s eyes went wide, “That’s a beautiful name.”

“Thank you. And you’re American?”

“Do I look it,” Peggy said as she downed her drink.

“I-I don’t know.”

“Well I am. A living, breathing, god forsaken American,” Peggy grinned widely. “Not an ounce of class. And I’m seeing a lot of class around here.”

“Don’t be so down on yourself,” Genevieve had sparkling blue eyes, which as of that moment looked all the more brighter. “What brought you here?”

“To the bar? I came to get drunk.”

“No. I mean France.”

“Business. Could I say business? I really don’t know.”

“You’re sad.”

“...No.”

“I can see the melancholy in your eyes. You’re sad.”

“I’m confused. I’m doing a lot of thinking,” Peggy said bluntly, a blank look on her face.

“Let me take you somewhere.”

“Why? I’m already somewhere.”

“Somewhere else then.”

“I-I don’t know. I barely know you.”

“Don’t you want to get lost in this city. Even I barely know it. It’s a labyrinth, twists and turns everywhere. It’s the most exhilarating thing. It has a life of it’s own.”

\----------------

Music played loudly as Peggy stood in the middle of a bathroom, Genevieve sang to herself as she rummaged through her bag pulling out makeup. Peggy stayed still as the girl started applying it on her face. It was a nice ritual, and it was especially better now that someone else was doing it for her. Happily she accepted this little bit of TLC. 

“Your eyes,” Genevieve said to herself in a whisper.

“What about them,” Peggy stayed awkwardly still, blinking then realizing her lashes stuck together because the mascara hadn’t dried yet. “Ow.”

The girl used her pinkie to pry them apart. “Ah. There. Oh well, they are very blue. You’re like a cat I had during my childhood. She was white, white as snow and sometimes she’d go cross-eyed. It was really sweet.”

“Oh. That’s the first time someone’s compared me to a cat,” Peggy laughed.

“Stay still,” the blonde said, applying the lipstick on Peggy’s lips. “Almost done.”

Peggy looked at the girl for a moment, almost envying her flawless bone structure. She could have easily passed off as one of those groupies she’d see in the magazines, rockstars with their arms hung around their shoulders. For someone who was doing her makeup, it looked like Genevieve needed a touch up of her own but even then, with her eyeliner and mascara smudged and dripping along the sides, there was something beautifully tragic about her. She must of worshipped Jim as if he were a god.

It was strange thinking there were people like that out there. Those eager fans praying to these musicians just as devoutly as the people who’d fill the churches every sunday.

Genevieve ran her thumb across Peggy’s lower lip, seemingly a last gesture to ensure that no lipstick had gone outside the line of her lip.  

“Perfect.”

“Yeah?”

The girl blinked quickly, then licked her lips as if a thought hit her. “I want to kiss you. Can I?”

“What,” Peggy’s eyes widened. “Like on the cheek?”

“No silly,” Genevieve was blushing fiercely, her eyes growing intense as she was absorbing every little feature on Peggy’s now frazzled face.

“Oh,” Peggy moved away from her, “You’re too pretty.”

“Okay. Well thank you. Is that a bad thing then?”

“N-no of course not. But me?”

“Yes you.”

Suddenly Peggy found it hard to breathe, she didn’t know what to say but her hands were now on the blonde’s shoulders. And that was more than enough initiative to push the girl to kiss her fiercely, holding Peggy’s face in her hands. 


	12. The sweetest thing

Stray puddles were here and there, the air was staunch with the smell of hash and cigarette smoke. Don dropped a cigarette of his own putting it out with his foot. He and Glen stood against the wall of a building watching people as they came and went. They had hardly spoken but the company was appreciated on both sides.

Glen had scarfed down dinner, accepted the check and probably should have been on his way. That just didn’t seem to happen. Don could see the damage in his eyes, in his mannerisms. The boy was acting like a frightened wolf in the city, walking along the walls, lingering in shadows. His eyes never lingered on one thing, they darted about, his hands shaking. For all he know it was the world that was moving and not him.

“What do you want me to tell Sally,” Don muttered as a group of people passed by. Glen waited for them to pass, watching them through slits for eyes before speaking.

“Tell her I’m fine.”

“She’d find that hard to believe, you know.”

“Well what should I say?”

“I’ll figure something out but you’ll have to understand that I want you to never contact her again.”

Glen bit his lip and lowering his gaze, dropping his cigarette to the ground, then stomping it.  “Why,” he hissed.

“The obvious. We already risked our necks enough for you. She has the rest of her life to live and you’re going to have to leave it be.”

“Is that all you do? Cage everyone like they’re birds? She’s got a will of her own.”

“She does, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to want to protect her. She’d have to contact you out of her own volition, not the other way around.”

They were in silent agreement, Glen with his lips held tight as he nodded. One bar hop later and they were back outside.

Don’s eyes were straining as they walked along the Seine. He watched his feet with each step he took. There were people everywhere, flowers everywhere. He didn’t fit in but he wasn’t the only man in a suit at least. Glen bitterly watched everyone, a bottle of beer in his hand. Don had bought him several drinks but he was now regretting it.  He threw it at the crowd and everyone dispersed, shouting obscenities at him almost immediately.

“Big woop! Another rockstar dies,” he slurred. Don watched him appearing to be confused.

“Watch it,” the older man muttered, pulling Glen away from some rather upset folks. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t know…,” Glen held his lips tight, his eyes narrowed as he kept walking. “I hate these people.”

“What did they do to you?”

 “They didn’t do anything. They’re just so ignorant.”

“And why is that?”

“They will be talking about this deadbeat drug addict musician for years to come and not Vietnam—“, Glen shut his eyes tightly. “All the death. I saw things and they don’t have to take it everywhere with them like I do. They’re living a lie. One life doesn’t mean shit when it was wasted away to begin with.”

Don gave him a sympathetic look, blinking quickly, then patting his shoulder. “I understand. You don’t need to say a thing. It is unfair. But that’s how it is.”

“I feel like my eyes are always so opened and I can’t close them.”

Don didn’t know what to say. He thought of all his vices. The only way he could cope with those feelings.

Laying in his bed at night. Comfort was always in the arms of a woman, in a bottle of booze, in fact it was anywhere except where it should have been.

The frightening dreams. Shaking at any sudden loud noise. The explosions and screaming that haunted his sleep. Don felt himself shiver thinking of the man he used to be. The urine dribbling down his pants, and then the fire that spurred the explosion resulting in a man’s death. He was so scared, so full of guilt. Dick Whitman wanted to be anyone but himself but there wasn’t any escaping it was there? Good old Dick was his shadow, only growing larger and more prominent as the night spread.

“Want a cigarette,” Don offered.

“No,” Glen waved him off.

“Where do you live?”

“I squat at some place with some other guys.”

“Really?”

“It’s not like I haven’t tried to get a job.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Well you thought it. I try, I’ve tried hard.”

A couple blocks later they ended up at an abandoned building. Some young boys were smoking outside discussing something loudly, waving their hands around. “This is my stop.”

“Okay,” Don smiled.

“I think I’ll have that cigarette after all.”

“Of course,” Don handed one to him, Glen pulled out a box of matches and striked one against the brick wall, then lit his cigarette. .  

“Have you thought of it yet?”

“What?”

“What you’ll tell Sally?”

“I’ll tell her you said thanks.”

Glen stared at him for a moment, pondering how simple that sentence was..

“Okay,” he said with a smile as Don started to walk away.

“Tomorrow meet me for breakfast. I can buy you some clothes also.”

“Stop,” Glen grinned crookedly.

“Stop what?”

“You’re not my dad.”

“I want to help,” Don said sternly. “I’m not accepting no as an answer.”

“Fine.”

“If you don’t show up I’ll know where to find you,” said the older man before turning around.

“You’re still not my dad,” Glen shouted over the crowd Don had disappeared into. The place was getting visitors, many visitors. The young boy cringed before slinking back into the darkness.

Don wasn’t sure why he ended up outside Peggy’s hotel room but this wasn’t the first time. He knocked and there was no response. He wandered back to his own room, briefly contemplating visiting the bar. He knew just what was there. Jim Hobart was right. Things do just happen to him, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to say no to them just yet.

Seeing Glen in that current state awakened something. Of course he felt a fatherly instinct towards him but there was something more, and it bothered him slightly.

After taking a shower, he put on his robe and sat at the edge of the bed watching the door that led to the bathroom. It was open a crack, he half wished it open on its own, Betty standing at the other side, proudly standing in an evening gown she had just bought. She’d model it for him, slowly walking towards him, turning around and posing with a flirtatious grin. Like some pin-up girl they’d have plastered on the walls in the bunkers. Don felt his heart fill with pride and love and longing but it eventually turned to grief.

He covered his face with his hands and sobbed.

\-------

Peggy threw her head back into the pillows, her arms above her head, clinging to anything as her jaw dropped, letting out the longest moan in her life. She blinked quickly, staring at a ceiling; mold growing in the corners, wallpaper torn and curling at the edges. Genevieve emerged into her point of view with a huge smile, she nuzzled up against Peggy’s neck. Peggy grinned wildly as she returned to reality, the tunnel vision growing less narrow.

Digging through her purse for a cigarette Peggy lit it as her eyes were fixed upwards.

“Did you enjoy that,” the blonde sang.

Peggy laughed, “What do you think? It was amazing, no one’s ever…”

“So I was the best? I’m glad.”

Now Peggy wasn’t about to argue with her, the girl knew how to do things no man could but she wasn’t about to stomp all over Stan’s ardent attempts. It felt wrong.

“You’re so lovely,” Genevieve continued, “Are you alone? You can’t be.”

“I’m not alone. Someone bought me my ticket, I’m not that rich. ”

“So you belong to him or her?”

“Oh. No. He’s a coworker.”

“Is he handsome?”

“I don’t know. I just see him so much, I don’t think about it.”

“He must be if he bought you a ticket here for nothing in return.” Genevieve gave her an inquisitive look prompting Peggy to further explain herself.

“He’s kind…sometimes. He’s done a lot for me so there’s this mutual respect. I can’t find the words to describe it. He’s like a place I return to time and time again…”Peggy blew out smoke, squinting her eyes fondly as she thought of him. “So warm and familiar, like I hadn’t ever left.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I just know where everything is, even which cupboard the booze is at,” snorted Peggy.

“That sounds nice.”

“I do have a boyfriend,” Peggy blew out smoke.

“I see. Does he mind?”

“I don’t know. He says he doesn’t.”

“Good.”

There was a twinge in Peggy’s heart, this was new. She always liked new. Genevieve lingered before their lips brushed against one another, soft and warm. Peggy climbed on top of her, holding her chin up so she could eventually kiss down her neck. Genevieve shifted underneath, smiling widely as Peggy adored her tanned skin with her soft kisses.

This was nice, she finally understood why Don had such an appreciation for women. From that moment she swore this little affair she’d keep to herself. She’d never tell Stan a single thing.

“Since you’re doing so well in your profession, maybe take a lover in every country. Not just Paris,” Genevieve smiled, “Like a child in a candy store. The things you will see…”

“That doesn’t sound like me,” Peggy rested her head on her chest. “Maybe the person I wish I could be.”

“A man?”

“I don’t wish I was one.”

“But they seem to have all the perks don’t they?”

Peggy nodded, her head lost in thought, “I had a friend once. We lost touch. But I had all these questions about how she could be so confident when the world was so against her. I really admired that spark she had. She never felt the need to censor herself. My boyfriend always made fun of her but maybe he felt threatened.”

“That’s a reasonable theory.”

“It’s exhausting,” Peggy sat up, grabbing her bra and putting it on. “All these expectations.”

“Why are you dressing?”

“Because I should go,” the brunette smiled bashfully as she watched Genevieve’s hand stroke her arm slowly before grabbing it.

“Goodbye so soon?”

“Don’t you have things to do?”

“You’re a pleasant distraction. I want to make love to you all night.”

“So many orgasms? I don’t want to end up in a coma.” Peggy continued dressing, tucking her shirt into her skirt and zipping it up.

“So cruel,” Genevieve stood up in the nude without a moment’s hesitation. That kind of lack of modesty surprised Peggy, it was actually refreshing and far from an eyesore. God, she could imagine herself staying there forever. The bohemian lifestyle was always so attractive.  “I had hoped we were friends now.”

She walked over to the kitchen, picking up her discarded panties from the floor and put them on. Then she threw on a short peasant dress, or was it a top? Peggy couldn’t tell.

“We are. I didn’t say we weren’t.”

“You’re uncomfortable. I can tell.”

“No. C’mon,” Peggy fidgeted awkwardly. 

“It’s okay. We all came from Christian families.”

“Catholic,” corrected Peggy, “We’re catholic. I don’t practice but—“

“All the guilt, it’s unhealthy you know. This wasn’t wrong.”

“No. I didn’t say that.”

“You need to forgive yourself and realize you do deserve a chance to live out all your hopes and dreams. There’s no room for guilt or regret. I know that especially now.”

“I usually don’t let things go this far. I’ve said no a lot of times.”

“What made me different,” Genevieve raised her gaze to Peggy as she poured two glasses of wine.

“I don’t know,” Peggy thought out loud, “Maybe you’re sent from the heavens to make me change.” She chuckled as she was handed the glass.    

“I can’t think of myself as an oracle,” the blonde smirked, toasting her glass and Peggy did the same out of courtesy. “But I am truthful. A lie hasn’t escaped my lips for quite a while.”

“I can’t say that for myself. I don’t directly lie, but I do beat around the bush. It’s a requirement from my profession.”

“What I think… is that I’m not so special. What I think is you’re at a crossroad. Change is necessary, I think you know you deserve better. I think you know that what’s required of you isn’t what you want after all.”

“But my job is everything to me.”

“I’m not talking about your job,” Genevieve shot Peggy a knowing look as she drank out of the glass, tinting her lips a dark red. “You don’t owe the world anything. In fact the world owes you.”

Peggy’s eyes were wide and bright. She blinked quickly before taking a drink of her own.

\-----------

Feelings were always a strange concept to wrap his head around, much less define but he felt _something_. It was the next day and there was Peggy sitting at a table on her own, reading a book, a scarf wrapped around her head, sunglasses folded into the collar of her shirt. Don watched her as he leaned against the threshold of the entrance to the hotel restaurant. She crossed her legs, then switched them as she took a drink out of her coffee.

What happened to hating French coffee so much?

She didn’t look so out of place anymore. Don tried to think of things to say, he wanted to ask her why she wasn’t there that time he knocked. He wanted to know where she had gone and who she was with. He wanted to know it all.

Every passing moment she grew into herself, she became more of an enigma. He felt strangely vulnerable divulging so much to her already and he hardly knew a thing about her beyond her uncertainty with Stan. Don wished a man was all to a girl’s problems, but that wasn’t the case. Stan wasn’t the key to Peggy’s struggle. She was more complex than that.

She stood up with a huge smile on her lips as a tall lean blonde approached her, she kissed her cheek and they walked past Don. A group of people had gone by so she didn’t notice him. He was puzzled. It appeared she had made a friend already.

After his meeting with Glen, Don traveled down a winding road driving in a car he had rented. He drove further and further into the country until he was lost and disoriented. It took a while getting used to driving on the opposite side of the road. He kept swerving off to the side.

When it was time to refuel Don stood to the side of the car staring at women working the crops. The sun was shining bright on them, he loathed the idea of Jim Hobart calling and asking for him now that the rain had gone. He let go of it quickly. He could care less about that man. It was so far away from him.

Don removed his blazer and threw it into the backseat, then rolled up his sleeves, letting out a contented sigh when he was done. For a moment longer he stared at the empty passenger seat. After graciously tipping the worker at the gas station, Don took off. It wasn’t long before his hands were trembling and sweating on the steering wheel. He had to pull over and by then tints of orange and pink were coloring the sky, the sunshine steadily disappearing. The withdrawals were bothering him and since the evening before, he hadn’t drank a single thing. He was surprised he had lasted this long. Besides the small flask he had in his blazer, Don hadn’t brought a bottle of anything. This would have to suffice.

At the top of a cliff Don walked towards the edge, taking a swig, then staring down at the sharp rocks below. The waves crashed against them with such force. He fantasized about what would happen if he took one misstep. What then? What would be the ripple effect? What would be in the afterlife? Never ending darkness. Pitch black.

It was a selfish thought but he was a selfish person. One part of him felt like it wasn’t this easy. There were so many loose ends and he remained tied down to reality, both feet on the ground. He thought of all the people who played a part in his life and where they were now.

The people he hated most were buried underground but so were the ones he loved the most.

He wanted to uncertainty to be over. He was sick of wondering when things would get better and then feeling lost when they were. Betty was the best it could get. It was hard to believe then and it was harder to believe now. But it was the truth. Don furrowed his brow and took another swig, feeling the poison burn his throat. His face grew warm which was in deep contrast of the chilly wind that blew. The clouds he had been running from now had passed and were floating to the unknown. It was beautiful seeing it from a safe distance.

Don put on his sunglasses and got back into his car. The road was where he always belonged, though it may have been because of his fear of finding a home. Once night set in the road grew harder to drive down. He kept squinting, the headlights barely showing him enough of the road. It was exhausting, he was tired as all hell. His eyes were finding it hard to focus on all the shades of black and the grey concrete.

“I’ve changed,” he said out loud.

Peggy was at his side staring out the window, aloof and despondent. “Really?”

“I drink less. A lot less.”

“Is that why the car is swerving? You’ll kill us.”

“I’m just tired,” he rubbed his eyes, “Be my eyes then.”

She scoffed, then erupted into laughter.

Don looked down at the nearly empty flask in his hand. How did that get there? He reached his arm out to her. “Here have this. I don’t want it anymore.”

The flask fell onto an empty seat.

Suddenly Don was shaken awake to the sound of metal falling to the ground. His flask had fallen out of his coat as he was laying on his bed, lost in a deep sleep. Luckily he made it back to the lights of the city, they were like beacons taking him back right where he should be. Every moment blurred into another. He forgot how he got back home from whatever rural town he was in.

His heartbeat didn’t slow down so he got up and decided to get some open air. As soon as he stood in the balcony he looked towards Peggy’s side. He watched it longingly as he smoked. A couple cigarettes later she didn’t emerge. Maybe it was for the best. He wasn’t in the mood for making idle chit chat. It just would have been nice to have someone to share the view with.

From inside he could hear the phone ringing. He slowly walked over towards the phone and answered, half expecting it to be Sally.

It wasn’t.

“Don,” Peggy’s voice was low and hoarse as sandpaper, horns honking in the background. 

“Peggy? Are you alright?”

“Yes,” she licked her lips, pausing to find the breath to finish her sentence, “This is going to sound like the craziest, silliest thing but…I’m lost. I don’t have my map, I lost the address to the hotel. I don’t know anyone here. I just—I feel _odd_. Not like myself at all.”

“What happened?”

“Just come and get me.”


	13. joie de vivre

The taxi drove right up next to Peggy as she moved cautiously towards its bright headlights. Wobbly ankles, high heels, the earth was spinning and still at the same time. She was lost until then, walking down streets an inconceivable amount of other human beings had walked. The payphone was the vanishing point. Don popped the car door open and got out. Peggy was wearing a black flapper dress. It hung loose off of her, shoulders exposed. Immediately Don took off his jacket and put it over her shoulders as he walked her to the cab.

“Hey,” she smiled, her eyes twinkling underneath the dim streetlight.

She didn’t seem to be in any danger. She just seemed a little off. 

“You okay,” Don rubbed the small of her back soothingly.

“Yes.”

He gave her a confused look before closing the door behind her.

The next few moments came and went like flashes of memories. Peggy was content through it all, looking at everything as if she saw it for the first time. Don was so far away looking out the window, miles and miles of empty space between them. She stared at her hand as it touched his, holding it, bringing to her lips, then resting it on her chest. It was almost like she was on the outside looking in, just observing the series of events like a story unfolding itself.

She had seen it before.

 _Are you okay_ , echoed in her head again. She was uncertain if Don said it with his mouth or with his eyes. He leaned in and pulled her towards him, holding her close. He buried his face in her hair and breathed her in before kissing her head.

“Where have you been,” he whispered.

“Around,” she chuckled. 

“I thought maybe something bad had—“

“Happened? No. I’m okay. Surprisingly okay. “

“You didn’t sound okay then.”

“Well I am now.”

Nothing felt more fulfilling than holding someone close, holding _her_ close. Don always wasted a few moments to find a word to fit whatever he was feeling, still nothing, but he didn't stress on it any further. He let go, and gave in, his body relaxing. He rested his chin on her head as she ran her hand up and down his arm. She leaned her head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat to see if it matched her's. 


	14. Devil's Root

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry for taking so long for the update. I took a brief hiatus because stuff wasn't so great in my life but now that everything's in order I can go back to taking less time to update. Hope you enjoy. Sorry in advance for any typos or nonsense. I'll edit this again at a later time probably.

“Don, I don’t have the key,” Peggy muttered as she stared blankly at her hotel room door. Don sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

“Well I could call downstairs.”

“Or I could stay with you.”

His eyes widened. It made sense. He didn’t want to wait in the hall for someone to open the door. “Great idea.” He walked Peggy to his door and unlocked it, leading her inside. She stared at the unkempt bed for a while and turned towards him.

“I woke you didn’t I?”

“I was already awake,” Don sat on his bed and dialed the number to the office down below. “Hello, yes.”

Peggy had wandered away, her hand sliding across the luxurious wallpaper. For a moment she lingered near the balcony taking in the view, all her senses stimulated at once. The lights, the night sky, it was breathtaking.

She realized Don had stopped speaking and had gotten up in a rush, closing the doors leading outside.

“Why,” Peggy grimaced.

“Maybe later, not now.”

“Are you scared I’ll fall?”

“Yes,” Don said sternly, his hands on her shoulders. “They should be coming soon with a new set of keys and we’ll get you situated.”

“I need to shower,” she stated.

“Sure, it’s just right over there. I’ll bring you a different change of clothes when they come here.”

Peggy gave him a skeptical look, lifting her head and narrowing her eyes. Don raised his brows. “What?”

“You’re being kind,” she said softly.

 Don shrugged. “Well you took care of me so many times, I might as well do the same,” he smiled warmly.

“Not just now though.”

He didn’t have an answer. “I think I hear them outside the door.”

Peggy was alone in her thoughts. Don speaking to the attendant in the hall. She moved towards the bathroom, her black dress dropping to the cream colored carpet. Each heel was discarded, her feet cushioned by the plush rug when she looked in the mirror, then back away. She had briefly glimpsed a white mask on her face.

 ** _Les yeux sans visage_**.

It had frightened her, shaking her very form as she moved away and into the shower.  

She wasn’t ready yet for what she had seen. Genevieve said it was truth serum. And it was living up to its name. Sitting on the edge of the tub she felt herself turn to normal. Her thoughts returning to the events of the day, her heart lifting beyond her body. It was all rather pleasant. A smile crept on her face. She tried to wipe it off with her hand, ultimately giving way to laughter. The ride back to the hotel room, the taxi cab hitting bumps, Don holding her close. What fitting finale to the night. She laughed even harder, her eyes shutting as tears streamed down her face.

She slipped into the tub her legs hanging out, her black stockings torn and nearly sliding off. Her history with Don came to her in flashes as she looked at the world from a different prospective.

Of course. All the crying, all the drinking. Right. Peggy thought of all those moments they had shared together, soaked in booze, glimpses of truth in the words they’d tell one another. Hurtful or comforting. Either way it made her feel warm. His head buried in her lap, resting on her chest, whatever position that suited them at the time. He always wanted to be close.

Still in her underwear she decided to turn on the tap, the tub filling with warm water.

Once the door to Peggy’s room was opened, Don felt so strange entering what was once her space. He unzipped her suitcase, it appeared she still hadn’t unpacked. After taking out several articles of clothing, he fondly laid out the dresses he remembered her wearing to important meetings. An orange and red dress he could recall the day they had delivered their coca cola pitch. Her eyes determined, her voice confident and commanding.

Something stirred deep inside when he pulled out a red dress. _Red dress and hoop earrings_. Don licked his lips and considered bringing the dress closer, the music was starting to play in his head, but instead he dropped it to the bed. He decided to get straight to business and find the clothes he had promised to look for in the first place. Lilac pajamas were what first caught his eye.

As he pulled on them something fell out onto the floor. He looked down to see a violet candy sticking out from underneath the bed. He grabbed it and held it in his hand appearing to be puzzled. It looked old, the wrapper worn. Still he didn’t fret on it long, he put it right back where he had found it.

When he got back to his room he saw the door was open to the bathroom, steam escaping through the crack. He cautiously walked closer, moving his hand in just enough to drop the clothes onto the chair next to the entrance of the bathroom wishing not to disturb her.

“Cigarettes,” she shouted from inside. Don stopped still. “Come in.”

“You sure?”

Peggy wondered why Don was hesitant but then remembered how vulnerable of a situation she was in. She couldn’t blame him for being uncomfortable. It didn’t bother her though, when she looked down she saw bubbles, and one of her bra straps fallen to the side. “I’m clothed,” she barked, “Clothed enough at least.”

The door opened slowly and Don had a pack in his hand, a crooked smile on his lips.

“Sweetheart. Are you really okay?”

“I’m fine,” she snarled, a cigarette now held between her teeth as Don lit it for her.

“LSD?”

“No. Mind altering yes. It’s opened a lot of doors,” Peggy grinned wildly as she blew out smoke. “Everything’s scary leading up to the climax isn’t it? I overcame that fear. It’s long past me now. I feel inspired now.”

“Great. Well I’ll leave you to it then.”

“Okay. Don’t make yourself scarce.” She turned her back towards him, the cigarette hanging from her lips as she rubbed the loofah over her shoulder. Don stepped back taking in the image of her right in front of him. There was an otherworldliness about her, loose brown waves hanging from her up-do.

“There’s something in your hair,” Don pointed. Peggy looked towards him confused then started pulling out the bobby pins until the petal fell out.

“How the hell did that get there,” she said to herself. She looked back to where Don had been but he was gone. She stared at the petal in her hand trying to piece together the day.

\---

In the back of a taxicab Genevieve admiring her, leaving soft kisses on her cheek. Peggy could feel the warmth of her blush on her face. In her hand were flowers that the girl had bought her from a street vendor.

“Turn slightly please,” Genevieve said in a soft voice, Peggy obliged, her eyes trying to catch sight of what the woman had in mind.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m putting up your hair, it’s long enough.”

“I haven’t gotten it cut for a while. Is it that bad?”

“No. I quite like it.”

Peggy lowered her head and smiled, nothing felt nicer than someone’s fingertips brushing through her hair. She felt her shoulders relax as she let out a sigh. Suddenly the moment was broken. They hit a bump and bounced, the two of them laughing.

“Where is this party,” Peggy looked towards the blonde. She was already back to fixing Peggy’s hair, she let out a grunt.

“A while. A long while.”

“I-I’m not paying the fare, I don’t have enough,” the brunette spat out but Genevieve just smiled.

“Don’t worry. I can pay.”

“You will?”

“Of course, mon chaton.”

“I’m sorry,” Peggy put her hand over her face.

“I come from great wealth. It’s not something I like to brag about.”

“Really? But you—“

“I know. It’s silly isn’t it?”

“No. I don’t know. It’s surprising.”

“My parents never let me forget. But it’s quite fine, I don’t hear from them all that often.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re so beautiful.”

“You keep saying that,” Peggy laughed, tilting her head bashfully.

“I don’t think you have a grasp on how you’re such a rare little thing.”

“When I first came to New York all the men showed interest in me because I was fresh meat. And women kept saying the attention was only temporary. I didn’t want any of it but I don’t like being called ugly. Who does? But they say it, not outright, but they say it in between the lines.”

“Do you think you’re ugly?”

“It’s complicated. I know I’m not them. I’m not those girls you see with everything figured out. I can’t do anything about my looks but there’s other ways I can accomplish things. Work. My doubts are slim to none on that front.”

“Good on you and the women who will be born after you. Everyone’s going about how the world is about the end, how it’ll always get worse. No one understands they’ve been saying that since the beginning of time.”

“That’s deep.”

“Is it,” Genevieve nearly went cross-eyed as she got one of the flowers in Peggy’s hand and put it in her hair. “Aha,” she breathed out. “Magnifique.”

The car drove further and further until it was more on the outskirts. Peggy was surprised to see so much green and the houses grew bigger with vast amounts of space between one and the other. They arrived at a secluded manor. People were outside smoking, greeting them.

There was one particular woman who caught Peggy’s eye. She was wearing a floppy black hat, in fact she was all in black except for her white heels. Her dress was long and flowing, almost medieval looking. Genevieve gave her a curt nod as she led Peggy through the front door that was wide open.

Groups of people were talking amongst themselves, a band was playing at the corner of the living room. Somber, acoustic music. Peggy found herself comparing this party to the ones she had been to before. Things were changing, transitioning to something. She felt a million eyes on her at once while Genevieve went to get them some drinks.

Peggy wandered looking at all the lush décor until she found a door that led to the garden or at least what she assumed would be the garden. She was shocked to see she was wrong. Just a mere few yards away was a cemetery.

“Charlotte says this place is haunted,” Genevieve surprised Peggy, handing her a drink.

“Charlotte?”

“She lives here with her parents. She was the one in black.”

“Oh.”

“She knew Jim. She was always bragging about her connections but all she sees is death.”

“Is she morbid?”

“No. She’s had a lot of friends die. And she’s only seventeen.”

“Seventeen?” Peggy’s eyes widened.

“I envy her,” Genevieve said bitterly, taking a gulp out of her drink. “The best always do burn the brightest. I doubt I’ll be invited to her funeral.”

“But you’re always talking about how great life is.”

“Two halves of a whole. You can’t have one without another.”

Peggy took a drink as she stood in front of a headstone, the engraving barely legible. It touched a part of her she didn’t understand.

“As the day goes on we’ll get drunk, stoned and we’ll make love and you’ll see things you’ve never seen before,” Genevieve leaned closer to Peggy’s form from behind, resting her head on shoulder.

“Make love? Here?” Peggy grinned ear to ear, “I was thinking about your offer all last night. I was stupid for going home.”

“I’m glad you’re here now.”

They went back inside. A house full of strangers, immediately Peggy felt like she was in alien territory. Almost claustrophobic but the fear gave way to excitement. She observed these people and the way they spoke, the way they carried themselves.

In the middle of the room a band played, the soundwaves vibrating throughout the house, sending shivers down her spine. Eventually she stood to the side, a large glass of wine in her hand. Somewhere along the way Genevieve had wandered off, but she was fine like that. She was like a butterfly, she couldn’t stay in one place.

Suddenly the grim figure of Charlotte was within her eyesight.

“I don’t believe I’ve met you before.” She said with narrowed eyes.

Awkwardly Peggy offered her hand, but she didn’t take it, she looked confused. “I’m sorry. I’m a friend of your friend.”

“You’re not from here?”

“What gave me away?”

“So what brings you to France,” she smiled coldly, it was unsettling.

“Work. I found Genevieve somewhere along the way. She’s great.”

“Yes. She is. Are you going to be here for the night as well?”

“I don’t know. It’s really up to her.”

“You should stay. There’s an interesting person somewhere in there. I see that spark.”

“Oh,” Peggy tried to act normal, but she was finding ordinary things a challenge.

“There’s something brewing if you’d care to join us upstairs.” She held Peggy’s hand and her eyes widened at the intimacy of the gesture.

“Alright. Then. What if I say no,” she joked.

“You wouldn’t want to say no,” for once Charlotte sounded more jovial. They went up the stairs and into a large bedroom. Blankets were covering the windows and there were people lighting candles. Sure enough Genevieve was also in the room, she excitedly approached Peggy.

“I was about to retrieve you. It’s going to start soon.”

“I thought it already started.”

“What?”

“The party. What are you talking about?”

The record player crackled and popped. People were beginning to form a circle, some were removing their clothes, others were leaving the room and not coming back. Peggy watched on curiously, then she took a large gulp of her wine, finishing it.

“Are you ready,” Genevieve looked at Peggy with her eyes bright.

“Ready for what. You’re being so god damned cryptic.”

“You’re going on a trip.”

“A trip?” Oh _. Ohhh._

“Yes.” Genevieve held onto her hand. “Anything can happen tonight. We’ll let our minds run free and our souls will be one with the earth. They’re brewing a truth serum. ”

“I don’t know if that’s for me,” Peggy wrinkled her nose.

“Didn’t you want to be adventurous?”

“I wanted to get drunk, do a couple of tokes and have sex… with _you_. I didn’t want to do whatever this is.”

“Why not? How is this any different?”

“Well that,” Peggy pointed at a topless woman joining the circle, crossing her legs as she sat down.

“Oh,” Genevieve’s shoulders dropped. “You can watch me then? Take care of me?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have come. I don’t want to be a downer.”

“No there are other things to do here. There’s something new in each room.”

Peggy nodded as she watched Genevieve join the group. They were pouring tea for each person. Someone lit some incense and someone took the first drink, then another, and another. Peggy was curious as to what was going to happen. Minutes went by when a tall slim man got up immediately and puked on the carpet near her feet. She recoiled and moved away from him. She gulped and closed her eyes, thinking of all the nice things Genevieve had said. So far she hadn’t had a bad experience with any of her vices, how was this any different? She desperately wanted to get in touch with a different side of herself. She was curious, she wanted to know.  

When she turned around she was startled to see more naked skin. People in different states of undress. Men and women kissing one another, curling into one another, becoming one. Of course there were a few who were alone off to the side but they seemed to be experiencing their own trips. Peggy looked surprised at the spectacle. Charlotte stood up and handed her a porcelain cup. She cocked an eyebrow almost seductively. Peggy stared down at the tea.

“It goes down bitter,” Charlotte said. “But you’re strong enough. You’ve suffered through worse things.”

Charlotte was right. It almost felt like a rite of passage. Drinking that communion wine. Peggy slid her tongue across her lips, everything going in slow motion as she took the plunge.

She let go.

She took a drink and cringed for a moment. But the taste passed just as quickly as it came. She sat in silence before it finally took effect.  From that point on it was a rollercoaster of fear, ecstasy and understanding. All the complexities of life hitting her at once.

She swayed in and out of consciousness. Moving with the crowd and then separating again once she maintained her sense of self. The room smelled, the colors smelled and began to bleed. She looked at the ceiling to see there was a man above her, moving down to kiss her neck. He was thrusting into her, her hand was intertwined with someone else. She turned to see Genevieve was who the hand belonged to. Her eyes grew fond as they locked on one another. It seemed Genevieve had found a partner of her own, a man with long hair and a beard.

Peggy gasped. _Stan?_

She blinked quickly and his face changedback to who it was before. Just the image alone was jarring. Peggy kept asking herself just what she was doing. It felt so good despite the years and years of guilt engraved in her. The stranger pushed inside beyond the boundaries she had fought so hard to uphold.  The outlines around them seemed to fade and they lost all their structure. She found herself to be moaning in bliss, her hands on his shoulders as her eyes stayed on Genevieve who was experiencing the very same thing.

When the man collapsed into her chest, Peggy held his trembling body. Her arms and legs wrapped around his form. She shut her eyes, tears forming at the corners, then she blinked them away. She got off the floor and made a feeble attempt to find her clothes but didn’t find a thing. Instead she decided to grab a sheet off the bed and wrap it around herself as she walked out the door in a haze. She moved from bedroom to bedroom. The sky was already a blanket of stars. Luckily she found an empty bedroom. As she looked through the dresser she found a dress that appealed to her. A black flapper dress.

If the logical part of her were still around, she would have realized she was stealing. But then again this was a very wealthy family that she’d never hear from again. She decided to take her chances and continued looking through the underwear.

This must have been Charlotte’s bedroom.

She made a decision that she too would dress in all black. Colors, real colors at the time were really bothering her. Light on her feet, she put on the brassiere, the panties, and then the stockings that stretched so nicely around her thighs. She admired herself in the mirror.

The dress slid on perfectly and so did the heels. She was meant to find them.

\------

Peggy stepped out of the tub and put on the pajamas Don had left her. When she opened the door there was a pair of slippers on the floor. She looked at them in surprise from the thoughtfulness of the gesture. She put them on and took in the image of the warmly lit room. Don sitting near the lamp, a drink at his bedside. His face was buried in a book, legs stretched and crossed as he sat against the headboard.

“Hey,” she said softly.

“Hello there,” his voice deep as he set the book aside. “Are you feeling better? Are you hungry?  I could order room service.”

“Really?”

Don nodded.

Peggy thought of the food she had puked on the side of the road. Riding into the city with people she didn’t know. Having an engaging conversation with a horse. She sighed and climbed into bed with Don.

“Okay. I think I can eat,” she said with a smile. Don welcomed her into his arms as they got comfortable. He flipped on the television and kept going through the channels until he ended up right where he had begun.

“Everyone’s speaking in French. I don’t understand any of them.” He said flatly.


	15. In Bloom

“I probably should have only ordered the dessert. That’s all I really wanted,” Peggy mused. She was enjoying her Crème brûlée. It was confounding that someone would put so much effort into presentation when the food was just going to be eaten. She picked up a strawberry and held it close to her face, nearly going cross-eyed at the mere texture of it. It was fascinating, but she decided it was best to put it back down. Her spoon just cracked the surface and scooped up the cream colored dessert. And into her mouth it went.

“This is amazing.” She closed her eyes and smiled. Don was drinking a cup of coffee, his gaze fixed on her.

“It is?”

“Try some.”

“I’ve had it before. It’s good.” Before he could start telling his story about Megan making him some, Peggy had already plunged the spoon into his mouth. “You don’t need to be so aggressive.” He laughed wiping some of it off of his lip with a napkin. “Boundaries, honey.”

“Who cares,” she wrinkled her nose. “I’m stoned. I can do whatever I want. Anyway, I can’t really see your outline.” She squinted. “I can’t see any of the boundaries!”

Don cocked an eyebrow just hearing Peggy talk nonsense. He was glad she was calming down from whatever frightening thing she had experienced. At least she was here with him and not face down floating in a pool. He never had the chance to really thank Roger for saving him.

“I get it you’re enlightened. But please spare me spilled coffee on my crotch.”

“Then stop drinking it. Don’t you want to sleep?”

“No.”

“Do you feel like talking, then,” she leaned in.

“Sure.”

“I was going to talk anyway, even if you said no.”

“Okay,” he smiled, playing along.

“I reached a conclusion.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I have.”

“Well? What is it?”

“I realized I can’t have it all.”

“That’s grim.”

“No. It’s realistic.”

“Don’t say that, you’re perfectly happy.”

“How can you know? You’re not me,” she scooped another spoonful into her mouth, getting briefly startled by the light she reflected off the spoon and into her face, “It’s got nothing to do with happiness. Happiness is fleeting. Now what I’m getting to is that I’m doing pretty great right now—professionally speaking. But in my personal life—“

Don blinked quickly and sat back, taking a drink out of his coffee.

“I got that phone call, Don,” Peggy continued, her eyes wide. “And you know what’s so funny?”

“What?”

“You’ve gotta guess.”

“You know I hate that.”

“Fine,” Peggy grinned ear to ear, “I don’t give a fuck. I don’t give a flying rat’s ass. I am relieved. I feel free. I know the second I get off that plane all those expectations are gone.”

Don suddenly looked concerned, “Peggy,” he said sternly. “This is Stan we’re talking about.”

“Yes. What about him?”

“You love him.”

“I do.”

“You can’t just lie to yourself like that.”

“I don’t think you understand, Don. Coming home every day, someone there in your space, looking at you with love in their eyes. It’s tiring. I keep on thinking of when that look will go away. When will I screw it all up? When will he see me for who I am? It’s exhausting being that person that he loves when I just want to be me.”

“Look. I know it’s hard to believe but you do deserve to be loved. It’s true. I’m sure you two could work it out, whatever it is.”

“Earlier I told you I’m not afraid anymore. But I didn’t tell you what fear I overcame,” she stared at her hands, fidgeting a bit, “I’m not afraid to die alone.”

“Peggy.”

“I know Stan. He’ll be hurt at first but then he’ll forgive me and we’ll go back to the start.”

Don nodded in disapproval, “It’s not that easy. Believe me.”

“Of course it’s not easy. He’s my best friend,” she blinked slowly, her eyes tearing up, “I know why you’re so concerned. _I know._ And you know.”

“Know what exactly,” Don raised his eyebrows.

“That I’m really not alone anyway. And neither are you,” Peggy stated plainly, shrugging, her gaze far off.

“You’re talking in circles sweetheart,” he said, looking tired. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. “I can’t really see a good outcome. If it’s over like you say, you’re going to have to live with the possibility of working with him at some point. That I’m sure you’ll be fine with but it sounds to me like you’re looking for any discernible reason to be alone because being alone is something you’re familiar with. Having someone love you and learning to handle their heart and expectations delicately is the real challenge. I don’t blame you.”

Peggy leaned over and took Don’s cigarette, inhaling then exhaling a cloud of smoke before handing it back to him. “What brought you back to New York, Don?”

“That big idea,” he grinned right through his words, wiping his mouth and looking away.

“You’re hiding your heart, but I can see through you. Why do you have to be drunk to tell me the truth?”

“I’ve probably told you lots of things.”

“You’re sober now. What do you see when you see me?”

“A beautiful young woman,” Don said with that charming million dollar smile. He paused, licking his lips as he dropped the ash into the cigarette tray, “So If you’re not alone. And if it’s not Stan. Who is it then?”

“Do you want me to say it out loud,” she paused and nodded her head side to side, dropping it and smiling devilishly, “I’ve got you. It’s always been you.” Her smile grew wider once she saw the expression on Don’s face. He was a fierce red, the man was actually blushing. It made her get flustered too. “Don’t look at me like that. Don’t make me regret it.”

“I think you need to sleep,” Don said with a cigarette between his teeth.

“You need to stop being so bossy,” she pointed at him, “Don’t you have something to say?”

“About?”

“Fine,” she bit her lip. “I want to go to the balcony.” Don grew quiet, blowing out smoke, staring at her fondly. She was lucid but not sober. He hesitated which prompted Peggy to push him further. “You can supervise. I don’t care.”

She wound up getting her way, smoking her own cigarette as she stared out into the city. Her eyes twinkling like the lights that lit the night. In the distance the Eiffel Tower stood in all its grandeur, watching over its beloved home. Peggy admired it, wondering just how it would feel to stand at the very top. In fact, she could feel her toes just barely touching the iron structure just then.

“It’s everything I want and more.”

“I seem to always walk around with blinders on but you’re right. The second you’re looking right at it, it is beautiful.” Don was standing so close to her as he spoke.

Peggy stood back and overlooked Don’s figure. He was always hovering, trying to protect her like she was some lost fragile thing. “Did you think of when we go home that there will be huge billboards designed by us? Our ideas, our thoughts, our dreams will touch America in a way nothing ever has?”

Don chuckled, looking out at the view. “Yes. I’ve thought of it a couple of times.”

“Every time I see a coke now, I pitch a tent,” snorted Peggy, Don laughed too. They were silent for a moment except for the noise of cars traffic and music in the distance. “From day one I was just so scared. People talked about you like you were God. Some days I saw that in you, the potential and there was so much respect. There still is but there were some days where I just hated you so much.”

“Hate’s a strong word,” Don laughed pitifully

“Well you weren’t always nicest person. But here we are. Here I am, in one piece.  I should feel guilty for not feeling guilty for all the things.” She blinked, wiping tears that had formed in the corner of her eyes. Leaning against the balcony, she turned to Don who was watching her sympathetically. “There’s no other option than to go forward. But sometimes it feels like there’s really no end to it.”

“End to what?”

“Suffering. Don, while I was here I lived another life, one unattached and so free. I felt good for once, I felt beautiful, I felt alive.”

“Are you thinking of staying?”

“What? No.”

“You just disappeared and didn’t tell me where you were going,” Don was raising his voice slightly and Peggy knew it was just about to escalate over absolutely nothing.

“I’m not about to say sorry but I’ve already said thank you. Plenty of times.”

“I thought you found your happiness in your work.”

“Yes.”

“If you could, could you have given it all up?”

“Are you asking where I would be if Joan hadn’t hired me? If you hadn’t given me that promotion?” Don didn’t answer her, Peggy just snickered to herself, her grin crooked, “You sure have one hell of a god complex.”

“I didn’t mean that. I just mean…there’s roads we take.”

“I guess I’d be working for pennies. I’d have an outdated hair style and still be going to church. Living with Ma. _Shit_. I’d much rather be in a hell of my own making than trapped there.”

“We’re all running away from something.”

“And what are you running from?”

“Something you’d be much happier not knowing.” He wasn’t entirely sure why he was so vague. Peggy was probably one of the few people he felt he could tell everything to. She had a vague knowledge at least. Instead he chose to keep it that way because he didn’t want to bear having to repeat it himself out loud.

“Nah,” Peggy nudged him, “It’s probably not half as bad as you think.”

“I’ve forgiven myself, somewhat. I’ve accepted it.”

“That’s good. Is that what California gave to you?”

“It did but you helped.”

“Oh?”

“You’re the only one who wanted me home.”

“I don’t believe that. You’re a loved person. People would miss you.”

“Maybe but they do move on. You moved on.”

“And just where do you think we were headed if you hadn’t left?”

“I’m not sure but I would liked to have seen.”

“It’s cold, maybe we should go inside,” she suggested. Don agreed. He walked her to the large bed and she pulled away from him. “Stop babying me,” she giggled. “I think I’ve got this.”

“Alright,” he laughed and went over to his side, starting to undress. Peggy watched him. She pulled the covers covering half her face as she continued observing. This wasn’t the first time, but she never really stopped to think just how intimate this was. He didn’t hesitate or ask for her to turn.  He removed his tie, then his shirt and then undid his belt, pulling down his pants and kicking off his shoes. He got under the covers with her and shot her a cheeky look. “What?”

She nodded side to side covering her smile, but her eyes were a dead giveaway.

“What,” he questioned again this time looking a bit more serious and vulnerable.

“Most girls have to work harder to get you undressed.”

“Believe me they don’t. Are you laughing at me?”

“You’re adorable.”

Don felt his face get warm as he got comfortable in his bed. He raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms, her eyes still on him. The thought of Peggy even thinking he was remotely endearing was strange. Well he knew they were on amicable terms but it still brought on a sheepish smile on his lips _. It’s just the drugs talking_. He leaned over her and turned off the lamp, then pulled the covers over his shoulders as he rested his head on the pillow.

They both faced each other in the darkness. Peggy’s dilated eyes continued studying Don’s face with an odd fascination. God knows just what she was seeing. It was intrusive but he didn’t feel too bothered, he let her do as she pleased. The outline of her chin, her large engaging eyes. She was in a trance, but so engaging, he could feel himself getting sucked in, drawing closer. Seeing her heart so out in the open and raw made his emotions more tangible. He could almost swear she adored him. He had seen this look before, just not from her. It was different though. He felt different.

She ran her finger down his nose, her lips tightly held together, the very corner of her pout curving upwards into what could have been a smile but wasn’t just yet.

“Your presence is so pleasant, it radiates off you. I can see it. It makes me feel so warm. There’s a little boy in you isn’t there,” she said in a whisper, her lips parted in disbelief. “What the hell did they do to him?”

Don moved away, his eyes blinking in surprise. Her gaze was warm, almost motherly as she placed her hand on his cheek. Time stood still before Don felt the wall inside him crumble. “His name was Dick Whitman,” he leaned his face against her soft palm. “His name _is_ Dick Whitman.”

“Well I can love Dick Whitman too,” she said firmly, her eyes determined and affectionate.

She moved closer and buried her head in his chest, clinging to his shirt. They stayed that way, he felt her sigh as he cradled her. Eventually she drifted to sleep. Her words stayed, he laid awake deep in thought, running his fingers through her hair. He looped his index finger through one sole brown curl, watching it carefully as it escaped his grasp and bounced back to the rest of her waves.

So honest and true and for once it didn’t feel hollow, superficial. He wasn’t looking for another way out. Peggy Olson was hardly a distraction. The unconditional love that she had to offer had his heart bursting at the seams. Thrilling, frightening, overwhelming. It was bittersweet. Loving what she had to offer when she chose to offer it, wondering when it would just fade into simple familiarity, mouthing hellos from across the hall back in the office.

He was always on the outside looking in, never saying the right things, never articulating the affection he felt. Holding Peggy close was just one of those things that felt right. Feeling her breathe against him was something he couldn’t live without anymore. He was so afraid this wouldn’t last forever, that this could possibly the last time he could have her this close. It ate at his very core.

The fear followed him into his dreams, regretfully.

When he woke up, he couldn’t feel her warmth pressed up against him. He sat up bewildered. She was still in the room, curlers in her hair, wearing a robe. He watched her get closer to the mirror as she applied her makeup, a look of complete concentration on her pale face.

“Shit,” she cursed, the mascara brush nearly poked her eye. “I always do that.” She had sensed his movement through her periphery and turned towards him, looking pleasantly surprised.

“Good morning,” Don said with a groggy smile. He ran his hands through his hair and stretched.

“Good? I don’t know. I feel hungover or something. “

“You were very _very_ high last night.”

“I have some memory of it. I don’t really want to think about it but I don’t feel that resounding guilt I usually feel after a bender. That’s always a good thing,” she shrugged. She bit into a scone, and turned to Don, with un-blended concealer underneath her eyes. It was a funny sight, Don laughed to himself.

“Looking good.”

“I just feel myself getting fatter,” she grunted and then moved on to smoking a cigarette. “Anyway, thanks for bringing my stuff. You know, for taking care of me, for putting up with me.”

“That’s all fine.”

“I’m suddenly so conscious about what I’m going to wear. Everyone looks so good here,” she grabbed her luggage and thrust it onto the bed, unzipping the suitcase and going through her clothes. Don looked in and saw the candies again. He pulled it out and held it in his hand. Peggy’s head reemerged from behind a dress she was holding up. She immediately reached out and grabbed the candies from him. “Give that.”

“They fell out last time when I was getting you a change of clothes. Are they important?”

“Yes,” she gave him an irritated look.

“Oh didn’t we have that one account?”

“Yes we did,” she trailed off obviously wanting to move away from the subject.

“You didn’t answer my other question.”

“It’s for good luck,” Peggy’s voice grew unintelligible and softer, “You gave them to me before a presentation and I—well I didn’t want to break my winning streak.”

“Wow. How long ago was that?”

“A while…okay…a couple of years,” she looked at his expression, she couldn’t quite get a good read on him so she grew instantly embarrassed, “Whatever you do weird rituals too, don’t you?”

“So you kept it even when you hated me?”

“I never hated you. Well not completely. I don’t know! It has nothing to do with you.” Don didn’t utter a single thing and it put off Peggy, “Just say something,” she cursed, as she loomed over him. Suddenly she needed to know what he was thinking.  His eyes were large and green, and he had a stupid smile on his lips as held one of her hands. She scoffed at him immediately, not entirely ready to digest whatever that look was.

“It’s nothing at all. But I am going to make a suggestion.”

“Okay,” her ears perked up and her eyes narrowed.

“Let’s not be us today. Let’s be tourists.”

“Really,” Peggy raised her eyebrows watching Don still holding her hand. “What kind of people are we?”

“Whoever we want to be.”

She thought for a while before giving him an answer, “I like being us. Us without all that background noise.”

“Alright then,” Don said with a smile.

“While you’re taking orders, I think you need to take a shower,” Peggy turned and started blending the make-up underneath her eyes with her finger. “We only have so long to be here. Paris doesn’t last forever.” She paused expecting some kind of remark, but nothing. Suddenly Don pulled her towards him and turned her around, resting his head on her stomach as he held onto her narrow hips. He breathed her in and smiled. “You can’t just go around manhandling me, Don,” she laughed, but his grip was so tight. She squirmed, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. She gave up quickly, there was really no use. Instead she was worried. “Don,” she ran her hands through his hair, eventually pulling him close to her torso.

“Last night was a long night,” he mumbled against the fabric of her robe.

“I’m sorry,” Peggy tried to sound cheerful but it wasn’t working, her voice trembled. “I can’t remember most of my night with you. Was I stupid? Did I make it worse?”

“No. Never.”


	16. On Deaf Ears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me a while to update. But no worries. I'll still be updating just a bit slower. I'm posting this a bit impromptu, so I haven't had much of a chance to really give it a proper reread. I'll post it anyway since I don't have consistent access to the internet. Thanks for reading and commenting. You guys are great.

People often went about how sunrises were worth watching. They sleep through the sights, never batting an eye, often staying curled up in the comfort of their beds. The colors stretched across the sky, the sun barely making its appearance. Bringing light to all the things that were once hidden in complete darkness. With sore fingertips, Charlotte stood at the top of her home. Her castle surrounded by various different types of plants. She stretched out her hands, her eyes wide in wonder of the warmth of the sun’s rays setting her skin on fire.

The night’s events passed by her like images on a slideshow. She wasn’t ever really there. She was a spirit walking through the walls. Talking, sometimes being heard, and sometimes being ignored. She shed her gown as if it were her skin. Shivering in her underwear, she stood up looking over the people who stood below. They watched her in shock and awe.

She felt herself rising above it all. The wind beneath her feet as she flew, lighter than a feather. She thought of the people touching each other, bumping against one another, the fights, the adoration and everything in between. It was beautiful but she was a wanderer and the ground wasn’t meant for her anymore. Her heart was elsewhere, her soul was with the sun. She smiled, then jumped.

\-----------------

“Look at those shoes, it’s like something Joan would wear.” Peggy and Don walked together down the street. She was mostly window shopping, buying small things here and there. Frankly this wasn’t Don’s sort of thing but he did enjoy watching the brightness in her eyes each time she spotted what she wanted.

They were bright red pumps. Don nodded, raising his brow, “They do.”

“I wish I was Joan,” Peggy scowled.

“A lot of women do,” Don laughed.

“I need a power outfit,” she stopped in front of one of the windows. “I’d get that and that and that,” she pointed.

“Really,” chuckled Don.

“Yes,” Peggy tilted her head, her hand on her chin, “They’d all go perfectly go with these sunglasses.” She casually put them on, staring up at Don with a wide grin.

“You’re right. So is it time for lunch,” he looked over at a pleasant little bistro hidden behind some greenery.

“Of course.”

They both sat looking off in opposite directions. Peggy crossed her legs and leaned back, taking a long drink of her wine. Don put out his cigarette and leaned forward, Peggy watched him with a grimace. He was ready to say something and she was just fine with filling their time with silence.

“Are we going to talk about last night,” he asked.

“No we aren’t,” Peggy said pointedly. “I don’t want to know about the person I was. It’s not that I regret it, it’s just I don’t know her.”

“Okay. Understood. But is this Peggy, the one I’m with now the same one I’ll see in Italy, the same one I’ll see when we touch down in New York.”

“You know I can’t know for sure,” she lit a cigarette, smoking it anxiously. “Are you going to open that?”

“Yes,” Don looked back down at the Polaroid camera box he had on his lap. He opened up the box and without much hesitation he went straight to shoving the film into the camera. To him there was no need for directions when there clearly was one. Peggy was watching him without uttering a word but it got harder to not scream at him. Her lips were pursed tight around her cigarette. Finally when he got a hang of how it worked he immediately pointed it at Peggy, who smiled and put her hand in front of her face. “Cheese!”

 _Snap!_ The flash nearly blinded her.

“Don!”

Don excitedly pulled out the photo and shook it, then placed it on the table as their food arrived.

When the photo developed he was glad to see he caught a glimpse of her flustered face before her hand had covered it. Peggy had her mouth full when he handed the photo to her. She scoffed.

“That belongs in the trash, Don.”

“Naw,” he grinned and tucked it into his coat. “So did you really like that shop?”

“Yes,” Peggy shrugged. “Cold day in hell before I can afford the clothes in there. But I’ll get to a point where I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“You’ll always end up wanting something else once you have it.”

“You’re right. The Don Draper conundrum.”

Don lowered his head and smiled. “Yes. _That_.” He took a bit of his food and paused, placing his napkin on his lap. “Do you want that?”

“I don’t want your problems. I don’t want anyone’s problems, I have enough of my own but I do like clothes,” Peggy wrinkled her nose. “What girl doesn’t want clothes?”

“That’s a reasonable thing to want,” he raised his brows. Peggy gave him a skeptical look, leaning away with her lips pursed.

After they ate and Don paid the bill they were approached by a strange looking man, hunched and carrying a small drawing pad in his hand. “Excuse me. You Americans?”

“Yes,” Don answered, as Peggy looked over the man cautiously.

“I ah—I couldn’t help—you two very beautiful,” he gushed at them. Don seemed to be flattered on the spot meanwhile Peggy wasn’t too keen on their invasion of space. “I draw you two.”

Don looked at the drawing of them eating together. The outline of his silhouette leaning forward his legs outstretched close to hers that were pulled in towards her chair. Through the light that came in between the trees he could see enough of her smile, her red lips on the wine glass.  Don blinked slowly and started to dig through his wallet to give the old man some money.

“What are you doing, he’s just trying to get an easy buck,” Peggy hissed under her breath.

He ignored her, handing the man some money, “Thank you. It’s lovely.” The man shook his hand and thanked him.

As they walked together Don could sense Peggy staring a hole straight into him. “How much did you give him,” she finally said.

“I don’t know. I don’t care.”

“You should be more careful. Someone could just snatch your wallet when you’re pulling it out so much.”

“You’re not in New York anymore, sweetheart.”

“That’s something an idealist would say. Some would argue that there’s a bit of New York everywhere. There’s certainly a bit of America everywhere,” she pointed at a man outside drinking a glass bottle of coke. Don laughed.

“Okay. But it is my money and I get to spend it as I please.”

“You’re right. Spending it on the girls. How do they ask for all the things you give them?”

“They don’t need to,” Don had that smug grin that annoyed Peggy so much. She scoffed.

“So you’re saying you read minds?”

“I can take a hint.”

“Really,” she narrowed her eyes, then Don stopped walking. Peggy turned her attention to him and then to the store they were outside. “Oh we were just here.”

“Yes we were.”

“Okay,” Peggy said slowly watching Don closely. He sauntered towards the door and held it open. Peggy lingered, standing on her toes, wondering if he was playing a cruel trick on her.

“I can’t stay here holding the door forever.”

“This isn’t professional, Don,” she said with wide eyes.

“What about our relationship has ever felt professional?”

Peggy recounted all the times they were more friends and confidants than anything else. It seemed their passion for work brought them together in the first place. She relaxed a little looking over at him. The store associate was busy with another customer and Peggy just awkwardly stood there.

“What do I even say? I’m used to just grabbing things, trying them out and then just paying for them.”

“They help you first.”

“Oh. Okay,” she tilted her head sideways. “So what are the rules?”

“What rules?”

“I don’t want to make you broke or something. This is Saint Laurent you know, like this is expensive stuff.”

“I know,” Don said with a smile. “I’m sure I’ll be fine. Who else am I going to spend the money on? It’s just laying there in some bank somewhere.”

“How rich are you,” Peggy said softly as if she was going to be sent straight to hell for even inquiring.

“I have an idea. But I have a guy who handles that.”

“A guy? I wish I had a guy.”

“You do. You have Stan.”

“Shut up! You know what I mean,” she laughed. “How many times do I need to tell you aren’t funny?”

Another attendant emerged from the backroom. She was a very beautiful woman, she left both Don and Peggy in awe. “Bienvenue (how may I help you?)”

“Hello, do you speak English,” Don said cordially.

“Of course,” she said with a smile.

“I’d like to buy something for the lady. She has more of an idea of her own sense of style so I was wondering if you could assist us.”

“Certainly,” she looked over to Peggy who already had a couple of articles of clothing in mind.

“Well,” Peggy stood in front of a three piece women’s suit on display. It had caught her eye almost immediately. “I’m a size seven in an American size. What’s that here?”

\----------

Genevieve paced in the lobby of the hotel. She eventually got tired and sat down at some couches that were near the reception area. She had Peggy’s things on her lap. Carefully she had gathered everything and put them in a nice tote bag she had stored behind her bed. It was lovely and she wondered why she didn’t use it more often. Despite that thought she was fine with giving it away.

Inside were Peggy’s clothes, money and a map to the city.

“Hey,” Peggy was standing in front of her, Don to her side.

“Chaton,” Genevieve grinned, and then hugged her suddenly.

Peggy was surprised, but eagerly returned the gesture. “I didn’t think I was going to see you. I wasn’t sure if that was what you wanted.”

“Of course I wanted to say goodbye. I have all your things here. Oh—“Genevieve caught sight of Don, “And you are?”

“I’m Don,” he offered her his hand, she shook it then gave Peggy a knowing look. “I haven’t had the pleasure. Are you Peggy’s friend or—“

“She is my friend. A fast friend,” Peggy said in a rush, her face growing scarlet. She clearly wanted Don out of the picture and Don read her loud and clear.

“I’ll be up in my hotel room. Nice to meet you.”

“I’m so sorry I’m Genevieve.”

“We’re having dinner later if you’d care to join us?”

“Oh no I have somewhere to be but thank you.”

“Alright then,” Don left giving them a curious look before turning the corner.

Peggy’s heart was nearly going a mile of minute but she dodged that bullet. Genevieve just burst into giggles.

“Fast friends,” she held onto Peggy’s hand, “That’s one way of putting it.”

“Well what could I say, he is my boss.”

They both were walking by the receptionist table when someone called to Peggy. “Miss Olson, we delivered your things to your hotel room.”

“Right. Thank you,” she said with a smile. And sure enough all the things she had bought from her shopping excursion were laid out on her bed, beside her bed and on the vanity table.

 Genevieve’s eyes went wide. “What were you doing today,” she grinned.

“Shopping, sight-seeing…eating. A little this a little that. It was great,” Peggy just couldn’t hide the smile that wanted to form on her lips. “I visited a lot of places I only dreamed of as a kid in school.”

“That’s great. I take those things for granted I suppose. I’m sure in New York you must see the tourists and wonder what they’re looking at.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

There was a silence as Peggy looked over one of her outfits, she felt Genevieve getting closer. “I was concerned about you. How you went missing.”

“I’m sorry. I really should of called I just—“

“That’s quite fine,” Peggy turned to see Genevieve was near. Genevieve cupped her face bringing her in for a soft kiss, Peggy let out a soft chuckle but her lover had grown serious.

“Something happened when you left. You had gone to go summon ghosts in the forest,” Genevieve said with a frail smile, “Charlotte climbed to her roof because she had convinced herself she could fly. She had a terrible fall.”

“Oh my god,” Peggy covered her mouth in shock. “Is she okay?”

“She’s in a coma.”

“I’m so sorry,” Peggy embraced Genevieve. “I know you were friends even if it was jaded.”

“I don’t feel all that sad,” Genevieve sighed into Peggy’s shoulder as she rested her head against her. “It’s just jarring. And I was thinking about how you’ll be gone soon. I’m old enough to know I should enjoy things as they are and let them go and let them be but…”

“I’ll miss you too,” Peggy looked into her eyes warmly.

“Did I ever tell you about my white cat? The whole story?”

“No.”

“She ran away and I didn’t have her too long. My parents insisted that I get another pet, that I take better care and take it as a lesson. I told them she wanted to go, she was a little thing with her own story that she wanted to weave. But that didn’t mean I stopped thinking of her completely. A while must have passed because she did come back. She was older but things were still as they were before. She was still brave, courageous and beautiful.”

Peggy’s blue eyes were now glistening, she bit on her lip as Genevieve held her chin. “Goodbye for now,” Peggy said in a whisper, nodding her head. Genevieve tilted her head and smiled.

“Yes. For now. But when you’re ready you’ll still have a home here. I’ll keep in touch.”

“You better.”

They kissed one last time before parting ways.

\------------------

“Sally. Hey Sally. You there?”

One of Sally’s friends was staring straight at her, in fact all of them were. They were all sitting in a circle on the floor. She zoned back into reality, blowing out a cloud of smoke, then putting out the last of her cigarette into her half empty drink. She had gotten quite a following with her knowledge of mixed drinks, something she could thank her mother and father for.

“Yeah sorry,” she shook her head in a daze and rubbed her forehead. “What were you guys talking about?”

“So have you made it with a guy yet,” asked one of the girls with intense interest.

“Yeah plenty of times.”

The girls all looked at each other and snickered. “Earlier we were talking and we reached the conclusion that you’re bullshitting.”

Sally had a deadpan look on her face, “Why would I lie?”

“We don’t know. To seem cooler. Natalie lost her virginity and she told us everything in great detail. And in all of the times we’ve gone out with boys, you’re always the odd one out.”

“I’ve had boyfriends. You guys just don’t know them,” Sally shrugged, wanting out of the conversation but still maintaining her cool. She could care less, she sighed again when she saw that none of the girls seemed convinced. “Fine. I don’t give a shit. I’ve kissed a guy or two and it’s alright but I haven’t met anyone good enough. I don’t get what’s the real hurry.”

“You got to at some point. The last thing you want to be is frigid.”

“Ugh. This is stupid,” Sally got up and walked out of the room. For a while she paced outside once again getting lost in her thoughts. All the kids she knew hardly suffered the way she did, no one seemed to understand. She felt bitter they got to have their childhoods meanwhile hers’ was torn without her input. She pulled out another cigarette and stared at it for a while, she cursed to herself and threw the pack to the ground, stepping on it.

Walking towards a statue, she used it to lean her purse against so she could dig through her stuff. Eventually she found her father’s number. She found a phone and dialed the number.

“Dad?” she said almost pitifully.

“Hey honey I was trying to call and you weren’t home,” he sounded cheerful, she was starting to feel a little relieved already.

“How are things?”

“They’re good. I finally slept off that jetlag. How are you?”

“With some friends.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing…it’s just. My head feels crowded full of so many thoughts.”

“Glen is fine.”

“It’s not just that. It’s just these people. I hate them.”

“Don’t be that way, Sally.”

“What? Everyone’s ignorant. It’s frustrating. I get more stimulating conversations when I’m talking to a wall.”

“Just wait until college. There will be all sorts of people.”

“Don’t say it with such certainty. You’ve never been,” Sally said with a smile. “So how is Peggy?”

“She’s doing just fine.”

“Tell her I say hi. Is she liking it there?”

Don laughed, “She certainly is. We spent the day ah—together. We were sightseeing and shopping.

“Oh,” this wasn’t just an _oh_ , this was an all knowing _oh_. “Where did you go?”

“Lots of places. We got a lot done. We started the day early because you know, Paris doesn’t last forever.” On Sally’s end was complete silence, except for maybe a chuckle that Don wasn’t sure if he heard. “What is it?”

“Nothing. I’m just surprised she got you out of that hotel room.”

“C’mon I’m not that much of a homebody.”

“Mom would say otherwise,” Sally smiled, leaning against the wall. “She knew Peggy right? Or met her?”

“Probably once or twice when Peggy was my secretary. She liked her.”

“I’m surprised. Mom probably should have been jealous. I guess there isn’t an unlikeable bone in Peggy’s body then.”

“I suppose not, but she did meet her when she was on her best behavior,” Don chuckled. “You should see her at work. But that’s another story. We did take a lot of pictures. Pictures that I will show you the moment I get home.”

“Are they any better than the pictures in my textbook?”

“That’s up to you to decide.”

“You’re so lucky,” Sally sighed. “Can I get on a plane and go over there?”

“No. you have school sweetheart.”

“Don’t remind me.”

\----

That night Peggy decided to put on a white dress. She leaned against the wall with her arms crossed as Don had a conversation with the hostess. Peggy wore her hair up again, a flower in her hair. Maybe it was a cheap try at imitating her look from the day before but that liveliness in her was beginning to fade. Don was still brighter than ever though. He had his hand on her waist as they were seated at the table. He leaned in and asked her in a hushed voice, “Is everything fine.”

“Yes,” Peggy faked a smile. “Well…”

Don raised his brow, “Well?”

“I’m a little homesick maybe,” Peggy shifted in her seat uncomfortably.

“Did something happen with your friend?”

“It’s complicated,” Peggy lowered her head, then rubbed her temple. “Putting things into perspective.”

Her and Don looked at one another deeply, Don being the first to look away to order a drink. “Champagne?”

“Why not?”

The waiter approached them. “I’ll have the best champagne in the house.”

“Certainly.” With a curt nod he disappeared.

Don turned his attentions back to her, reaching out and holding her hand in his. “What I want is to dance with my friend for one last time while we’re here in Paris. That’s as far as I’m looking ahead and that’s maybe 20, 30 minutes from now.”

Peggy stayed silent, watching the waiter returning with the bottle of champagne. He popped the cork and poured first into her glass and then Don’s. She watched the bubbles rising to the top. “This is the stuff you were talking about that last time?”

“Even better than what I’ve had before. It’ll be a first for the both of us.”

“Wow. I feel like a movie star,” Peggy smiled, taking a drink of hers, her eyes widening once she swallowed. “Wow.”

The drink had the same effect on Don. “Wow is an understatement.”

When dinner was over they found a crowded place to get lost in. Peggy couldn’t remember if Don had ever let go of her hand, but he held it in that moment, leading her to the center of the floor. That smile on his lips didn’t seem to ever go away. Drunkenly she pat his cheek, their eyes resting on one another.

“I feel tired,” she said softly, somehow he still understood what she said.

“Me too,” Don felt one of Peggy’s arms brace around his shoulder as she took off her shoes, shrinking at least three inches.

She closed her eyes, leaning her head against Don’s chest. With each passing moment a couple left the dance floor, the occupants dwindling. People singing boozy songs, sharing kisses in dim lit places, going home in separate taxis or together. Don’s mind wandered to all those thoughts each person was thinking, the homes they would happily stumble into, the activities that would inevitably happen along the course of the night. He could remember being young, those expectations, riding that high.

Some part of him wanted to cup Peggy’s face, look deep into her bright blues and bring her to a kiss. He wasn’t so sure if it was a ritual or pure instinct. He decided not to. Instead he left her as she was. He felt her tighten her grip on his arms, letting out sigh as they continued to move at a slow pace. She wrapped her arms underneath his, holding his torso tight, her hands resting on his upper back. There was a desperation in her movements. Almost beckoning him, leaving Don unsure of just what she was beckoning him to do.

“Peggy,” Don muttered.

“No don’t talk,” she croaked. “Just hold me like this and I’ll be okay.”

When Peggy got back to her hotel room, her hair was a mess, makeup smudged. She looked at herself in the mirror and then behind her at all the things on her bed and on the floor. There was nowhere to sleep. For a moment she contemplated knocking on Don’s door but she let that thought go. She could feel that distance growing between them again, though she felt it was necessary so that she could move on. It wasn’t realistic that her and Don have smooth sailing from that point. Being away from home left them in some dreamlike state, acting like the people they wished they were. Their friendship was always that complicated.

Looking for something she distracted herself by going through the tote Genevieve had left her. Inside was a strange note written in near perfect cursive. She raised it to her eyes to read it.

_Promise you’ll come back to me, chaton. – love Genevieve._

Peggy choked on her breath, then wiped her eyes. She dialed a number on her phone, and listened to each ring, hoping someone would pick up. Nothing.

She decided to call her home phone. This time someone did answer.

“Hello.”

“Stan?”

“Hey. I was just uh—“

“Are you sick again? I thought you’d be at work.”

“I was just uh—feeding your cat. How are things?”

“Good,” Peggy smiled, throwing the bags of clothes off the bed, then sitting and leaning against the headboard. There was an uncomfortable silence, she could hear Stan moving things in her room. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, sure. I’ll live.”

“What’s going on, Stan?”

“I think it’s probably best I just tell you now instead of prolonging it okay.”

Peggy’s heart sunk almost immediately. She knew what words he was going to say, she knew he didn’t just go by her house to feed the cat. She thought of the things he left behind. All the habits she’d nag at him about. All of it would be gone. She bit her lip expecting the blow. “Okay.”

“I lost my job.”

“What?”

“Yes. I was stupid. I mean honestly, you know me better than anyone. I was unhappy there. Always showing up late. Half-assing my way through each day. I probably sabotaged myself since I’m destructive that way.”

“You what? Stan what the fuck.”

“I didn’t quit or anything, geez. You know the second you moved to coca-cola, I was doomed. I only work at my best when I’m with you.”

“So now you’re blaming me?”

“What? No.”

“You’re just lacking ambition, Stan.”

“I don’t care about shit like that. The only reason why I went to McCann was because of you.”

“Blaming me again, God. Just come out and say, oh I’m a failure and it’s all your fault.”

“You need to calm down and stop twisting my words.”

“I can read between the lines. You’re either too cowardly or too nice to say it as it is.”

Stan swallowed, trying to calm himself down. “Peggy. I love you more than anything. I give you all the freedom you want, the least you could be is supportive. I just need to figure things out.”

Peggy licked her lips and dropped her head. “I hope you don’t think I’m some harping bitch. I want the best for you Stan. And I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m upset.”

“Okay. You’re upset cause you care?”

“What do you think?”

“I’m not a failure, Peggy.”

“Okay. You’re not a failure.”

“Why do you sound like you don’t believe me?”

There was a dreadful pause filling them with a sense of foreboding “I need to go, Stan. I’m tired.”

“What have you been up to?”

“I had dinner with Don. Nothing spectacular. Now I’m alone.”

“What time is it over there?”

“It’s late, Stan. Real late.”

Stan could feel her growing distant, her voice aloof. “Pegs. What happened to us? We used to be so close and now you feel a million miles away. I don’t like the person I’m becoming. I’m always worrying, wondering when you’ll let me in again.”

“This just isn’t working,” Peggy muttered, loathing that she was the one to say it and not him. “Maybe it’ll be easier now.” She hung up the phone before hearing what he had to say. Her hands were shaking, she grabbed her pack of cigarettes and pulled one out. Lighting it and then sucking on it, waiting for the nicotine to calm her nerves.

Anxiously her eyes looked at the phone expecting it to ring, but it didn’t. Some time passed and she realized just how useless it was waiting for a reaction. This was Stan after all. She’d always see him again, under good pretenses or bad. The most she could do was make herself a drink and go outside and enjoy the fresh scenery.

Once out in the balcony, it appeared she wasn’t alone. Don was standing in his, a glass of whisky in his hand, his hair wet and wearing a robe. His head perked up the second he caught sight of her. Underneath them was the noise of traffic. A billion things happening at once. Peggy saw Don mouthing something but couldn’t understand what he was saying.

“Having a nightcap too?”

“What?” she barked.

“I said are you having a nightcap?”

“I can’t hear you very well,” she sighed, resorting to mouthing words and doing her best hand signals.

Don paused and laughed to himself. He could very well tell her what he was thinking at that moment and she wouldn’t hear him. The thought passed his head, instead he waved as if they were next door neighbors running into one another. He wasn’t sure if he could say the words out loud even if he was the only one hearing them.

“It’s a Friday night what do you expect,” Peggy shouted.

“Night sweetheart,” he toasted his glass towards her before going back inside. No matter how charming the gesture seemed, he beat himself up for it. It was the coward’s way out but then again maybe he was being practical for once.


	17. The Hilltop

A voice came from the furthest part of Don’s mind. He tried to make sense of the words until they finally became clearer.

“Where would you be now? Where would I be? You did always have the option but for whatever reason you didn’t seem to think I was important enough in your life to make room. I was another way out. Another path away from the road you were going on. Have you changed since then? Are you still that cowardly man?”

Darkness, like being trapped in a closet, the door shut. But a fog came in, static, white noise. He was a child again turning the dial of the radio, murmurs of voices in the distance. The more he fumbled with the dial, the clearer the message was. An image was beginning to become sharper to him, the colors growing vibrant.

In the mist Don could make out the brown hair, the red lipstick, the sultry eyes. It made him ache, his heart somehow sinking down to his toes. Porcelain skin, a voice like honey. Rachel. _His_ Rachel now had been long gone. It had been a while since he dreamt of her. Usually the women he thought of were many voices layered into one. The ghost of all those he had wronged hidden in his subconscious forever to haunt him. This wasn’t the case, though. It was definitely her.

She laid on a rose colored couch, her hands at her sides, her gaze far off as they would be the few times they had spent together. “Are you in love with the impossible? The unattainable? Is it always like sand falling through your hands?”

“No. I don’t know,” he stammered and she chuckled. Don felt like a child. He couldn’t have a firm grasp on his own emotions, he couldn’t see that far into the future. Everything was always so uncertain, it frightened him, but mostly he frightened himself.

He leaned down, undoing the strap of her shoe around her ankle, then gently removed it. He did the same for the other. She stretched out her toes and sighed, craning her neck against the cushion of the armrest.

“You always want to steal it and mold it so it’s yours, but I’m sorry. Things don’t work that way. If you want happiness, real happiness—not the things you see in your ads—it’ll come into fruition soon enough. Love isn’t control, Don.” She narrowed her eyes, blowing out smoke from the cigarette that hung loosely between her two fingers. “Love is freedom. Love is understanding. And love certainly doesn’t fit within the confines of something. Not a birdcage or a wooden box you hide under a bed meant for only you and you alone.”

Don nodded, desperately trying to understand, trying to store it all in his head. He wanted to learn for once, he didn’t want to be alone. To die alone.

“If you love her like you loved me, let her be free. Let her eyes grow bright for all the world has to offer and maybe just maybe,” Rachel wrapped her lips around the cigarette and blew out another cloud of smoke, “She’ll see all the sights and at the end of the day, you’ll be her house to come home to. Your arms the comfort of the bed, your voice all the music she’ll need to hear. Maybe just maybe you’ll find that little bit of paradise.”

Don shook awake. He was sitting on a flimsy folding chair on top of a green hill. Everyone was talking over each other discussing what went where, who did what and so on. He tidied his hair and sat up, trying his hardest to look awake. His eyes immediately focused on Peggy who was leaning over a table talking to an Italian director with a thick accent. The man didn’t have the faintest clue who he was up against. She looked upset, as usual, pointing here and there, shielding her eyes from the sun. Don smiled and stood up. He marveled over the people who were now standing side by side, their warm cokes in their hands. Different people from different places. It did look very worldly, thanks to Peggy’s more international idea. It was looking great, maybe even better than their storyboards.

Peggy’s head raised up once she saw Don was up and about. She walked over to him with a smug little smile on her lips, her sunglasses pinning back her hair.

“Things are going great, huh?” she had her hands on her hips, trying to focus on just what Don was looking at in the sky. “It’s very blue.”

“It sure is,” Don smiled.

“Did you already talk to Sally? How is she doing?”

“She’s good. She’s glad about Glen.”

“Did you tell her everything?”

“In time,” Don laughed as he grabbed a sandwich off the food table. “Is this ham or turkey?”

“I don’t know,” Peggy wrinkled her nose.  He handed Peggy the sandwich and she peeled it apart. Holding her cigarette between her teeth.  “It looks like its ham.”

“That’s good. I like ham,” he took it from her and bit into it.

“We have yet to hit a snag in production,” Peggy said under her breath as she crossed her arms, surveying the bustling commercial shoot. “They’re going to start filming in a couple of minutes. It’s going so well.”

“You’re sounding awfully optimistic.”

“I’m in disbelief. Hey—that’s the girl you wanted to be on one of the close up shots,” Peggy pointed at the girl with the blond braids who was being shown where her mark was. “That’s the one you wanted right?”

“Yeah,” Don said with a far off smile. “She looks like someone I know.”

“Oh,” Peggy went wide-eyed for a moment. “I was instantly drawn to her too. She has this zen-like quality doesn’t she? Isn’t it strange how faces or things can pull you into this feeling whether you want it or not? I suppose we always use that to our advantage.” She let out a sigh and clutched the clipboard she held in her hand. “Whatever. Are we having dinner tonight?”

Don raised his brow, “Well that’s up to you honey.”

“We’ll see. Depends on how this all goes doesn’t it?”

“I’m certain we’ll get hungry either way.”

“Alright looks like we’re ready,” the director approached Peggy, “Any other suggestions you want to bombard me with?”

Peggy didn’t pay any mind to him. She watched the crew taking their breaths, standing around nervously waiting for her and Don’s cue. She turned to Don, then looked behind the director. The cast and crew, the luscious landscape, everything just coming together right before her eyes. The entire thing looked astonishing from her point of view, as if she were an astronaut watching earth while caught in orbit. “No. No,” she blinked quickly, “Looks like we’re ready.”

“Okay,” he smiled, looking more relieved than anything else.

Under her breath Peggy muttered to Don, “Shit. I think I’m going to need a drink.”

Courteously he pulled out a flask from his coat. “I have you covered.”

_Take one. ACTION!_

Peggy gulped the second she heard the clap of snapper board.

\----------

_I’d like to buy the world a coke and keep it company._

Peggy hummed the song to herself, she was riding on quite a high. The positivity was somehow contagious. The butterflies in her stomach were long gone and suddenly she was very certain about what she was doing and how everything was turning out. It was nice for once to not have to feign confidence.

Just as she was beginning to dig out her room key, she was startled to see Stan down the hall from her. His head raised as he moved his hair out of his face. It had been a long while before she had seen him, really seen him. He had trimmed his beard so she could see a significant amount of his face again. She would have been a liar if she didn’t admit that it was a welcome sight but shocking nonetheless.

He had a bouquet of flowers and his clothes were a bit disheveled, not so much because he was messy but because he had probably been waiting up there for her for a while.

“Stan,” Peggy said looking confused, “What are you doing? H-How did you get here?”

“Pegs! I was worried you took off already.”

“You know my schedule. I’m not leaving until this thing is done.” _Great._ She found herself smiling when she wished to play it cool, give him a cold shoulder. _But how the hell did he get there? Why? Did he love her that much?_ The answer was a clear yes. “Come in.”

They both stood in the room in silence. Peggy’s back facing towards him. She turned slightly, her hand over her mouth.

“I love you,” Stan stated so matter-of-fact.

“Stan. I’m sorry about—“

“I know,” he smiled. “Hey. Why don’t we go someplace?”

“Sure.”

They caught a cab together. Peggy stared at her hands the entire time, the sweat on her palms. She shuffled uncomfortably, then raised her head. Stan was looking out the window.

They were in Italy. It was all so new to him and somehow Peggy had forgotten just where she was. Everything had been moving at such a rapid pace. She had to catch her breath. 

Now he gaze had moved over to her, but his look hadn’t changed. His eyes just soaking her up.

Stan’s mouth was on her’s suddenly. She couldn’t piece together how they had come together. Her hands running through his hair as they held one another in an embrace, kissing with a fevered passion. His hand was down her pants and she unzipped them just enough so he could feel her. Really feel her. Her head fell back as she bit down on her lip, his mouth now traveling down her neck.

A stream of thoughts passed through her mind, a sigh escaping her lips.

She found herself looking at the rearview window, wondering if this was the sort of thing taxi drivers were used to.

The second they exited the cab the both of them had reached their own conclusion. They looked much different than the people they were the moment they had entered.

“This place is nice,” Stan said with a smile, his hand on Peggy’s waist.

Peggy nodded, still dumbfounded, as if she had come out the other end of a storm. “Yeah.”

Stan watched her with a concerned look on her face. “I can see you’re looking for answers.”

“I am. Yeah,” she shook her head side to side. Once they were seated Stan reached out for her hand and held it.

“I kept thinking too far in the future, I wasn’t thinking of the present. I completely understand that.”

“Okay.”

“How did the shoot go?”

Peggy started to feel herself relax the second she thought of those green hills. “It was amazing, Stan.” Her cheeks were beginning to flush.

“I bet,” it seemed he didn’t even really notice how excited she was. He had something else on his mind, the gears turning in his head. “I’m going to move out of your place. I’m actually already moving out of your place.”

“Oh?”

“I’m moving in with a friend actually.”

“Okay,” Peggy moved her hand away from him. “A phone call could have cost you less.”

He laughed heartily, “No. No. You have got to understand. It’s only temporary. I’m going to be working with him and I’m leaving advertising completely. I was kidding myself thinking I’d stay doing the same thing forever. I’m going to be an illustrator for a couple of children’s books that he’s working on. You should see his ideas, they’re real cute.”

“Wait a minute,” giggled Peggy. “A children’s book?”

“I’ll bring in some cash eventually. I’m tired of not pulling my weight with you. If we’re going to be together, we have to be on equal footing or else I’m going to be driving myself crazy. Or to be more accurate, you’ll be driving me crazy.”

“Stan I—“

“No let me continue. From start to finish this whole thing has been a real hoot. I swear to god. Why didn’t you ever ask why I was so broke?”

“It’s not my business.”

“It should be, Peggy.”

“Just get to it already,” she snapped and crossed her arms.

“I want to marry you. I’ve wanted to marry you for a long while already.” Peggy was complete shock, her mouth dry. Again he reached out for her hand, holding it in both his palms. “But stupid me, I sold the engagement ring so I could come all the way here. “

Peggy shook her head side to side and covered her face with her palms.

“Honey, why do you look so surprised,” Stan was still beaming, trying to get a good look at her expression. “I thought I was so transparent.”

“For a while I thought,” her mouth was gaping before she had to remind herself to close it. “And then I thought—“

“Yeah?”

“Well what the hell Stan!” 

“I was always looking for the right moment.”

“And this is it?” Peggy furrowed her brow.

“Well we are in Italy and you did just dump me.”

“No-No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.”

“Yes I did and in the most cowardly way possible,” she stammered, then let out a long sigh. “Are you sure you want this?”

“Well yeah. We were never the most conventional couple were we?”

“Why can’t you hate me like any normal person would?”

“Look at yourself, Peggy. I’m giving you everything you could ever want right here. I’m done with answering questions. I need you to answer mine. “

Peggy didn’t say anything. She just locked eyes with his, sitting back into her chair. Suddenly she raised her hand calling the waiter to her.

Stan was confused. “What are you doing?”

“I’m ordering champagne.”

\-----

Don drank. He drank a lot. The moment he was alone he made a feeble attempt to get rid of the aftertaste.

Aftertaste of what? He wasn’t so sure. It was a cloud he got caught in.

When things were so good he began to feel himself fall back. So uncertain, so frightened.

The bar was close to closing. Don didn’t keep track of the time, he leaned forward and signaled the bartender to give him another drink.

“Hey.”

Don turned and leaned back the moment he saw who was calling to him. “Hello there.”

“Thank you,” Stan sat on the stool next to him.

“Talk about grand gestures. I didn’t expect you to come all the way over here. Haven’t you seen the movies? You should have been waiting at the airport.”

“A man gets impatient.”

“Are you two okay now?”

“Better than okay.”

“Really,” Don tried to reciprocate Stan’s Cheshire grin. But it seemed to be more than make-up sex that was affecting Stan’s mood.

“Well…”

“I’m happy for you.”

“I proposed to her.”

“Okay,” immediately Don looked away only to be somewhat comforted by the welcome sight of his drink now refreshed. He took a gulp of the poison.

“She said yes.”

“I can see that,” Don licked his lips, then wiped his hands on his slacks. “Congratulations.” He offered Stan his hand and Stan took it before unexpectedly hugging him. Awkwardly Don pat his back, hoping for the gesture to be over with. 

“You always gave great pep speeches. I mean you convinced me to hop on a plane and take a one in a million chance and it paid off!”

“I didn’t say that. But—“

“You really took the cattle prod to my ass!”

“That’s one way of saying it.”

“I’m sorry. I’m really emotional. And you’re not the most…emotive person. I get it. I’ll tone it down for your sake,” he rubbed Don’s shoulder, his blue eyes sparkling. “But I’m bursting at the seams. This feels like the first day of the rest of my life.”

“Hold on, let me get you a drink,” Don was already motioning at the bartender but Stan gestured no.

“I’m okay. I’ve drank more than enough, I wanted to say thanks. I knew this was just the place to find you.”

His words strike a chord that made Don’s chest ache. He felt embarrassed and ashamed and a million other things at once. Don’s only response was silence.

“Okay then, I’ll leave you to it,” Stan had a perplexed look at the sudden melancholy that overcame Don.  Instead of leaving he took a step back. “Is something wrong?”

“No. Everyone deserves a second chance. I’m glad to open that door for you.”

“Don. C’mon. Just find yourself a girl. You look pitiful. It’s not the end of the world for you.”

“What has Peggy said about me?”

“Not a whole lot but I know—“Stan paused and scratched his beard as he tried to find the right word, “I know loneliness when I see it. You deserve a second chance too.”

“Oh I’m sure I’m all out of chances,” Don finished his drink and grabbed his coat and hat, leaving a generous tip on the counter. “Treat her right or I’ll make sure you’ll never earn a penny anywhere.”

\-----------

_That’s a wrap!_

Peggy and Don left on the same plane that carried the film back home to New York. As Don stared out the window, he took a good look at the clouds they were passing through before lowering the shade. He tried to get comfortable. It was early flight and his pillow was lumpy. His eyes kept on wandering over to Peggy who was seated next to Stan. She was drinking out of her glass, her eyes eventually finding Don’s. Immediately she looked away as if she was hiding a secret.

She didn’t know Don knew. She didn’t know Don had unknowingly set off this sequence of events whether he wanted them or not. Whether he was thinking of her own well-being or his. Don wasn’t so sure yet but it always seemed to blow up in his face. Something he was certain of was that he wasn’t a good person. Far from it.

They were already a few hours into the flight when Stan had fallen asleep and Peggy had gotten up. She lingered near Don’s side regardless of making the person on the aisle seat appear to be uneasy. With her eyes she motioned for Don to join her.

Again she was confusing him. He naturally assumed she wanted to discuss a work thing but he wasn’t sure why they had to take the conversation to the back. In the cramped hall she waited for him. Luckily the bathroom was occupied so she could make it look like she was forming a line.

“Uhm Peggy,” Don looked concerned. “I’m not sure what you want but—“

“Shut up Don. I’m already in the mile-high club.”

“I didn’t need to know that and that wasn’t what I was suggesting.”

“Are you?”

“Believe it or not, but no I’m not.”

“Why,” Peggy gasped.

“Not enough room I suppose. I always prefer to take it to a hotel,” Don said with a sigh. “But why am I here?”

“I think we’re going to win a Clio.”

“You think?” Don smiled.

“Yeah. Do you?”

There was a pause. “Yes.”

They both chuckled, flustered at the idea of a solid victory. Peggy blinked quickly, redness still in her cheeks. “You haven’t asked why he’s here.”

“Because it’s none of my business.”

“We made up,” she shifted side to side, then leaned her back against the cool surface of the interior. “He came all the way over here. For me. Don, for me.”

“It seems perfectly logical.”

“Does it,” she questioned and narrowed her eyes. “It’s not important.” She said out loud even though it was meant for herself.

Don watched her in surprise. She wasn’t acting like a girl who had just been proposed to. Granted, she was always full of secrets, he thought maybe she would have been happier. With both Betty and Megan, Don recalled how thrilled he was at the possibility of forever. Was she going to at least say anything?

There was something going on behind those eyes of her. She was thinking. The proximity between them was sparse and it only served to make the air thicker. Don thought of Stan unable to contain his excitement. But there was Peggy, small and suddenly silent, words caught somewhere in her lips.

“Do you ever doubt yourself,” she said softly.

“That’s a stupid question to ask,” Don said frankly. She frowned at him and crossed her arms.

“Of course you do. Everyone does. You’re just better at taking the plunge.”

“I’ve done a lot things I regret too.”

“You wouldn’t take it back would you?” Don stayed silent and Peggy answered her own question. “You’d be an idiot if you did. How the hell else would you have ended up here? You just have to take the good with the bad, even if you’re not sure what’s good and what’s bad.”

“What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing. Just cold feet,” she looked over to Stan and immediately corrected herself, “a-about the campaign of course.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Everything else went as planned. It wasn’t the end of the world just like Stan had predicted. The airplane didn’t fall out of the sky. They had a perfect landing and everyone got their luggage, nothing getting lost in the process. The film they shot got sent to McCann, it was edited and then made into the commercial with a title card before the song begun. It was the start of something. Something great. Something unexpected.

It was just another day at the airport. The workers either frigid or overtly courteous. Stan and Peggy walking arm and arm before they got into the taxi. Don walking alone before he got into his own.

Once the taxi left the airport, Don suddenly felt uncomfortable in his skin. Being a martyr just wasn’t his nature but he still had Paris. The shadows cast over both him and her, her head on his chest. He shut his eyes thinking of all the conversations they had, conversations he’d eventually forget.

Don had an enjoyable dinner with his family. The spaghetti was the welcome home he needed and when the boys were asleep, Sally stayed awake with him to help tidy up. When Sally had dried off her hands, Don handed her an envelope full of polaroids.

“What do you think,” he said with a smile.

Sally loved all the pictures. Her eyes excitedly scanned each polaroid, wondering if each place would still look the same the moment she physically would lay her eyes on them. One picture in particular stood out. She focused on it, feeling the corner of her lips tug upwards into what could be a smile. Don and Peggy standing beside each other near the Eiffel Tower. Don’s arm was around Peggy’s shoulder and Peggy’s head was against his chest. Sally was surprised to see her father this happy again.

It was the sort of smile she’d see sparingly through glimpses from the corner of her eye. Since Betty, since everything fell apart, she had seen it fade. Her dad was neither here or there.

Don crossed his arms as he sat on the sofa waiting for his daughter’s reaction. “So?”

“They’re wonderful,” Sally grinned, blinking away the tears beginning to form in her eyes. “Really great.”





	18. Presque Vu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years! Thanks for all the comments/support. Expect another chapter sooner than usual. So that's something to look forward to.

Summer was nearly over. There was no room left for dreams anymore. The rain pattered against the windows. The children had gone to Henry’s. Don’s heart was worse for wear. And naturally he looked for a distraction. Another chance to be a stranger, even to himself. Whenever he drank or smoked or took whatever drug was around, he was always pleasantly surprised with the things he said, the things he did, the company that’d always find him. That was the fun part of it.

Losing that restraint, being a person things just happened to. Don Draper at his finest, Dick Whitman somewhere far behind.

The fantasy had its way of fading quicker than when it started. Living from one beat to the next.

“Just think of never needing a drink again. Never feeling that ache, never thinking just one more glass will fix things. Paradise is one less drink away. Just think of it that way Don. Stepping stones, just think of stepping stones across a lake. Your home is waiting for you on the other side.”

Don was face down in his bed, Freddy Rumsen on the other end of the line. “Okay,” Don groaned. “You’re right.” He stared at an almost empty bottle at his nightstand. His hangover stinging him so hard he was close to vomiting right then and there. He tried to think of that place, a place he had found in his mind. A state of peace, of togetherness, a connection to mother earth and everything that inhabited it. The waves of the ocean crashing against the beach, set in motion by some force involving the moon and maybe even the stars.

“I know I’m right,” Freddy chuckled before a long pause. “How’s the ballerina? I heard you were working close with her.”

“Peggy? She’s fine. Engaged. Well—I said nothing,” Don licked his lips as he rubbed his face. “But she’s in a good place.”

“Wow. The impossible. The girl finally got a man.”

“Why do people say things like that about her? I’m surprised it hasn’t happened sooner.”

“You’re right. She’s mean but she’s a real cutie. But she’s not the only one good things are happening to. I was just driving the other day and I hear your commercial on the radio, I see the billboards, the ads on the television. You’re everywhere. I’m proud and you should be proud too. Don’t be so blind. There’s plenty years left. Or at least I keep telling myself that.”

“I’m at a point where I just don’t know,” Don felt his throat go dry when he sat up in his bed. “This is all happening to someone else.”

“You’re shocked. That’s fine. But what made you pick up the booze again, celebrating too much?”

“No. I—I don’t want to go into it.”

“That’s alright. Remember I’m just a phone call away.”

“Bye.”

“One more thing, Don. It’s good you called. It showed initiative. You want to be better. That’s a start.”

“Okay,” Don felt a smile creep up on his lips before he hung up. Beside him a form shifted underneath the sheets. She turned over then stared deep into his eyes, looking sultry and content.

“Morning,” she said softly.

“Morning,” Don smiled. He’d at least give himself this.

He focused on parts of her, the corner of her lip, her skin tone, the birthmarks on her back, even the way she wore her makeup. Each part of her got attention from his hands or his lips but he felt a twinge in his chest. She said all the things women had rehearsed to say while in bed alone, lost in their deepest fantasies. It was so staged. They were actors playing their parts.  His muscles tensed, his joints locking.  His bones trembled in uncertainty. Reliving moments that were good at one point, just hoping they’d feel the same again. He chased for another round, not once recalling what her name was or how they had even met during his drunken rendezvous.

He felt himself sinking further and further down as they rolled in the sheets. His thumb tracing across her lower lip, holding her chin. Her mouth inviting him in. He chose one vice over another.

This couldn’t compare.

Paris came to him in a vision. He wanted so much more than ordinary. He wanted one specific thing and this wasn’t it. No. Not anymore.

Midway Don stopped, losing his drive entirely. He immediately looked away, adjusting himself and sitting up. “I’m sorry,” he moved his hair out of his face.

The woman looked confused, quickly covering herself with the sheets. “Are you okay? Did I do something?”

“What? No. I just have somewhere to be.”

“Okay that’s fine,” she was bewildered and almost instantly Don felt remorseful for ending it so abruptly.

“I can’t be doing this anymore,” he pulled out a cigarette and offered her one. She nodded side to side.

“Are you married,” her voice quivered. “I never thought to ask. I’m usually too scared to know.”

“I’m not married,” Don hated hearing himself say that but it was the truth.  No one was willing to take on the burden, not that he could blame them. “I’m thinking I should get myself a dog.”

“What?”

“A dog,” Don said with a cigarette between his lips.

“Oh. A dog or cat may be nice. I have a dog,” she tucked her hair behind her ear. “It’s nice to have someone to need you around.”

“I might just do that,” his mind wandered off.

“It’s probably best I leave,” she said before dressing and grabbing her things that were thrown everywhere in a disarray. “I don’t know what to say in times like these.”

“Never had a man say no before,” Don mumbled with weary eyes. “I’m questioning myself right now if that helps.”

She smiled, “Actually it does. Goodbye.”


	19. Beyond the Infinite

_Looks like today is another beautiful day in the good ol’ U-S-of-A. Now it’s time for one quick commercial break before we get our weekly forecast._

Don heard the coke jingle start to play as he drove, he tried desperately to not smile but since he was alone, he let it give way. He covered his lips and reached a stoplight. His window was open, and he leaned his elbow on the door, the song playing loudly. He looked outside.

It was always summer here. Girls wearing next to nothing, holding cokes in their hands.

He watched them longingly. So shiny, so new. “Good Morning.” He waved. They of course giggled before waving back.

The light was finally green and he let out a sigh of relief. He was beginning to wonder when his effect on women was going to wear off.

Don had come to the conclusion that for once he wanted his own stake of land in California so it didn’t feel like such an illusion anymore.  It didn’t belong to Megan or Anna, it was his own. He wanted to make his own memories there and have the option of bringing his whole family there for the summer.

When he parked at one of the houses, he saw a car already there in the driveway. He mentally prepared himself before opening the door but out of it’s own volition, it opens itself. And in the doorway stood the realtor. He decided to go with Bonnie since she seemed to know exactly what she was doing. This living breathing Malibu Barbie was always so determined. He came across her business card when going through his boxes that he had in storage, he figured he’d give her the opportunity to make his day.

With an inviting smile she welcomed him inside. “Didn’t think I’d be seeing you again Mr. Draper.”

“Didn’t think I’d be seeing you either. But I trust you and what you do. I hope it isn’t awkward—“

“Oh most certainly not. This is what I do. It’s hardly personal. You have the cash and I have knack for knowing what you might want.”

“Impress me then,” Don said with a grin as he looked around the large living room. He stared at his shoes and realized he was stepping on a cream colored carpet. “I don’t do carpets anymore.”

An image of red wine spilled across the carpet flashed in his head.

“Oh,” her eyes widened, “I’ll take that into account.”

“I have kids.”

“Right. Two boys and one girl?”

“Yes,” Don smiled, “My oldest, my daughter, she’s going to college soon.”

“Leaving the nest? Aw.”

“She’ll be okay.”

“That’s what you’re saying now. It’s always different right on the day she’s about to leave.”

“And how would you know this?”

“I’m not a mother but I am a daughter,” she winked. “You know I have another place nearby that might fit what you’re looking for. Want to go?”

“Alright,” he held the door open for her, “After you.”

\---------

Peggy sat at her desk sipping on a cup of coffee. She had the phone hanging off the receiver as she was distracted with the pile of papers in front of her.  

“You still there,” she sighed, sounding exasperated.

“Yes ma’am.” Stan said on the other side of the line.

“Good,” she thumbed through some papers then stopped. “Did you eat today?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Just checking.”

“Ok, mom,” he chuckled, “Since when did you start caring?”

“I’ve always cared. Breakfast is the most important part of the day.”

“Says the girl who smokes cigarettes for breakfast?”

“When you come back and you’re thinner, who do you think they’re going to blame?”

“Who is this they you speak of,” Stan was grinning through his words. “You better not be introducing me to your parents.”

“I don’t know. It is good news. Ma would be thrilled.”

“Would she be?”

“You’re right,” Peggy let out a breath of air, relaxing into her chair. “I want to tell someone. I want to brag. She’d love the whole ceremony.”

“I thought you wanted it more private. Me and you on the beach.”

Peggy chuckled at the thought of them getting married with the waves crashing in the background. The beginning of forever from that point on. What kind of dress would she wear? She hadn’t even started looking. She was so busy with the campaign, however successful, now people expected everything she churned out to be an instant win…even if most of the credit went to Don. She might as well not exist.

“Maybe we should go to California? Don is getting a place there.”

“Really?”

“He got a nice check to add to whatever fortune he already has,” Peggy said deadpan.

“Well Pegs, we have beaches here too.”

“Don always makes California sound like some heavenly place. I probably shouldn’t take his word for it, but he did come back a changed person.”

“And you want the same?”

“Yes. A bigger better, married me.”

“I’m sure a place doesn’t change you. It’s the circumstances. He had to lose everything just to get it right.”

“Don’t talk about him like that,” Peggy nodded side to side.

“Like what?”

“Like you know him.”

“Because I do. I’ve met a million other guys like him. They take it all for granted.”

“Stan.”

“Don’t tell me you’re going to say you know him best.”

There was silence on Peggy’s end.

“Don’t be that predictable,” Stan let out a self-loathing laugh, “What the hell happened over there?”

“Nothing more than you already know.”

“I know that you came home with a whole new wardrobe that just appeared out of thin air.”

“There was nothing expected from me if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I worry about you and it’s not jealousy, I’m just concerned. Don isn’t…consistent. He’s a wanderer and he disappears sometimes. And one day he won’t come back. I don’t want you broken hearted.”

“He’s promised me he wouldn’t do that,” Peggy started tapping her pencil on her notepad.

“Pegs, just look at you now. I don’t want to be a jerk but you’re stressing at your job and he’s in California house-hunting.”

Peggy felt herself grow ill before changing the subject. “So how’s the book?”

\---

Don stared out onto a terrace. Glass sliding doors, beautiful trees down below. It reminded him of Megan’s place except much bigger and with a small swimming pool further back. The house was secluded enough for privacy but still a minutes’ drive to the beach. He could almost see Bobby and Gene playing on the deck. Sally looking at the wildlife through binoculars and telling her brothers about everything she learned from school whether they were interested or not. Don didn’t have a doubt in his mind that they would be interested.

The kitchen was large enough to maneuver through. A cozy living room that felt warm particularly because of the color scheme ranging from different shades of yellows, oranges and browns. It felt like a home away from home. Almost a seamless bridge between the west coast and the east. His kids would love it.

“So Mr. Draper, what do you think? Isn’t it a dream,” Bonnie chimed in with her sing-song voice. “It’s an empty canvas. It can be whatever you want it to be and like you said, no carpets.”

“I love the wood floors,” Don said approvingly before blowing out a cloud of smoke. “There’s a lot of room, so the kids would love it.”

“Don’t play with me. Is it a straight yes or a no?”

Don paused before his smirk became a grin, “Can’t you put two and two together, honey?”

“Perfect then!”

By then Don had stopped listening to Bonnie, he was too busy watching the kitchen, imagining the vacations they would spend there.  There was an ache in his chest. He thought of times he could spend there. Days full of happiness and warmth. In the living room he could stretch out on the couch, his head in Peggy’s lap. He chuckled to himself. Just another road he wouldn’t be able to take.

Still no words from Peggy’s end. Months had already passed between now and then.  Don had come to the conclusion that her engagement was something she’d never think of mentioning to him and Stan was certainly not about to say anything. Everything else was just as they left it and that’s what hurt the most. Nothing had changed. She still screamed, cursed, laughed and smiled. Peggy was still so honest with him, not a word held back.

_I love you. I’m falling in love with you._

The words still repeated in his head whenever he saw her, thought of her.

_I need—I want._

Petty selfishness like a child with a toy he never thought to play with until now.

He stopped himself right there, his gaze turning to Bonnie. She had stopped talking and had realized the wall was paying more attention than he was.

She was suddenly still, so silent with a hint of concern. “Don are you okay?”

“Of course I am,” he probably would have said more but he was coming up with blanks.

“How about a celebration dinner then? My treat?”

Great. Don was familiar with the look on her face. She pitied him.

“No I wouldn’t want to burden you. I’m taking the red eye today to be back home on time. Thanksgiving, you know.”

“All the more reason for you to eat. That airplane food is terrible.”

Don paused, thinking before softly chuckling to himself, “You’re right. It wouldn’t hurt then.”  

\--------------

Right after arriving in New York, Don went straight to the office. Running on the minimal amount of sleep he had gotten in the airplane. He skipped dozing off at home. He wanted to meet Peggy before she left but was surprised when he saw he her office was empty. He focused on the empty chair and noticed her portfolio was gone. It was clear she was already gone for the day. Still her desk was in a disarray. He looked at it fondly, his hand firmly on her notepad full of scribbles.

With a mug full of coffee Peggy’s secretary walked into the office, confused. “She never seems to lock up does she?” Don said with a smile.

“Oh Mr. Draper I apologize.”

“Is Peggy gone for the day?”

“Yes. Were you looking for her? I can call her home and see if I could get her the message.”

“No it’s fine,” Don furrowed his brow, then sighed, “Any idea where she might have went?”

“No. She didn’t tell me. I was surprised myself she left so early. The girl always stays so late. I’m surprised she even has a life of her own.”

“She does and it’s not up to you to speculate,” Don said roughly. “Go home.” He led her secretary out and carefully closed the door behind him.

The office was practically a ghost town. Music playing in the distance probably coming from the breakroom. He saw Peggy’s secretary grabbing her things together, practically running to the elevator as it was about to close. She barely made it. Don didn’t rush himself, instead he waited for the next elevator down with a solemn look on his face.

In the hallway of his loft Don searched for his keys before unlocking his front door. Upon arriving, he could hear voices coming from the kitchen. He removed his hat and coat and placed them aside. He was pleased with the welcome sight of Peggy leaning against the kitchen counter and Sally at her side as they were going through the phonebook. Sally pointed at something and Peggy nodded side to side.

“No, really,” Peggy wrinkled her nose.

“Yes really,” Sally laughed.

“Dad,” Bobby exclaimed upon Don’s arrival. Don grinned and pat his head.

“What are the girls up to?” asked Don.

“They’re looking for places that deliver. Sally wants Chinese and Peggy wants pizza,” answered Bobby. “Me and baby Gene just want turkey.”

“Hey, I want turkey,” Don turned towards both Sally and Peggy who both shot him glares.

“Maybe if you didn’t send your girl home, we’d have dinner,” Sally crossed her arms. “I’m not about to cook anything.”

Don walked towards Sally and kissed her head, then kissed Peggy’s cheek. “Why don’t we figure it out together then? I can go to the grocery store.”

“You don’t want to go to the grocery store, Don,” Peggy said. “Any place that’s open is going to be to the brim with angry people.”

“I want turkey,” Gene exclaimed, silencing everyone.

Don’s eyes grew wide before laughing. “You heard the boy. We can’t break tradition.”

Sally’s shoulders dropped as she looked at Gene, “He breaks the tie then.”

“I suppose so,” Peggy smiled. Don sauntered closer, his hand now on her shoulder.

“I didn’t think you were coming,” he said low, under his breath.

“I’d skip dinner with my family anytime for you guys. You’re real cute,” she raised her brow, Don grinned then kissed her cheek again and again and again.

“Gross,” Bobby cringed. Peggy just swatted Don off.

“Enough,” she said sternly. “I’m hungry. Let’s get some food already.”

Everything was so effortless. Don felt like he was caught in something he couldn’t remember so vividly, this feeling of family. It was an out of body experience. But there was a difference between then and now. There wasn’t a single ounce of fear. Peggy didn’t know. She might never know. She sat on the other end of his table unaware of just where she was seated, who that chair was usually reserved for.

Conversations wandered from here and there, stories from when she was first starting off at secretary school, to talk of whether or not the ghosts in Bobby’s old bedroom were real. The entire time Don hardly said anything at all, adding small quips here and there, just a keen observer.

Peggy took a bite out of her pie, for once her eyes locking with Don’s.  “So did you find a place or not,” she cocked an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Sally added. “Was it even worth looking?”

“Yes I did. Yes I did.”

“Well,” Peggy said impatiently. “Tell us about it.”

“You will see it soon enough.”

“Really? Is that all we’re going to get,” Sally narrowed her eyes. “Whatever.”

“I only hold back information so I can see the looks on your faces when you actually get there. It’s a nice place, I can say that,” he wiped his mouth with his napkin.

“Can I go watch tv?” asked Bobby expecting to be rewarded for staying still for once.

“Sure.” Bobby took Gene along with them, the television loud with the sound of guns blazing. Sally sighed and started picking up after them, Don got up to help and Peggy began to fill the sink with hot water and dishwashing soap.

“Sweetheart, you can go spend time with your brothers. I have the rest covered,” Don said sweetly.

“Okay,” Sally placed the dishes in the sink.

She left both Don and Peggy alone in the kitchen. By then Peggy knew her way around and was grabbing some towels out of one of the drawers.

“You doing alright,” Don asked.

“Sure.”

“You don’t look alright.”

“Am I ever,” she breathed out, “No I’m fine.” She gave Don a look that made him have his doubts but he didn’t press on further.

“You can still catch your family if you want to.”

“Are you listening to yourself talking,” she wiped her hand on the towel and leaned against the counter, her blue eyes on Don. “You guys are my family. I gave up with Ma a long time ago. I’m not saying I’m cutting her off—I just need my space. You know how that goes.”

“Completely understandable,” Don paused and smiled as he rolled up his sleeves. He cocked an eyebrow. “Family?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know what you’re doing,” Peggy grinned. “You saw I was a straggler and you decided to take me in. I’m thankful for the company.”  

“My kids like you and like is a real understatement.”

“Really? I don’t know anymore. I’ve never been good with kids.”

“You’re doing great.”

“Alright, I’ll take your word for it.”

Peggy watched the backs of the children’s heads. The tv flickering, all of them completely silent. “Join them. I can take care of this, honey,” Don said softly.

“Are you sure.”

“Yeah.”

The night ended with baby Gene practically glued to Peggy, his head resting on her lap. Sometimes Peggy thought of the first time she saw him and how far they had gotten since then. She pat his head, her hands running through his blond hair. The boy was looking for a woman to cling to, that part was obvious and with Megan gone and Betty… Her heart ached for them, for all of them. Maybe that’s what made it so easy for her to entwine her life with theirs’.

“You can spend the night,” Don emerged from the hallway, presumably coming from Bobby’s room who he had escorted to bed. “It’s late.”

“I don’t know,” Peggy gazed at Gene who looked so comfortable. “I’m fine with going home late.”

“You have somewhere to be tomorrow?”

“Stan is coming down to visit. It’s been a while.”

“Oh,” Don sat next to her, taking the remote in his hand and switching the channels.

“I have a lot of work to do too.”

“Was the food good?”

“Yeah,” Peggy turned to see Don wasn’t looking so well. “You okay?”

“They must have put too many spices or something,” Don swallowed, placing his hand on his chest.

 “Drink some Pepto before you get too sick,” she nagged playfully. “I notice you ate your share and more.”

“Well, I had a light lunch,” Don said with a grin as he got up, undoing his tie.

“Somehow we ended up with leftovers.”

“Take them home.”

“Okay. It’ll probably be more appreciated by Stan anyway. Just write the date on there so I don’t eat it a month from now.”

Once Peggy decided it was time to leave she put on her coat and hat. Don eagerly got the Tupperware together and put it in a tote bag for her to take home with her. They stood near the doorway, Peggy holding the heavy bag. Don must have overestimated her strength or he got carried away. She wasn’t about to complain though.

“Do you feel old,” Peggy said timidly. “I used to stay so late and now I’m so tired.”

“The offer still stands. There’s always room for you here.”

“I worry if I say yes I’ll never leave,” she leaned against the wall, her cheeks flushed, a tiny unnoticeable smile on her lips. Don was just staring at her and she was bothered by it. “Do I still have crumbs on my mouth?”

“No. It’s just…” he paused wondering if he could still continue with his thought. It was practically word vomit but it was too late for him to even care, instead he just rubbed his chin and grinned. “I forget how small you are.”

“Shut up,” she playfully shoved him. “There’s shorter women.”

“You just seem so much taller. You’re the tallest woman I’ve ever met. Tallest short one at least.”

“You’re not making sense,” she laughed. “People with confidence look taller. It’s true. I just know what I want. Not a lot of people can say that.”

“No they definitely can’t.”

There was a pause, one that made the both of them feel strange.

“I know you were probably busy but yesterday the craziest thing happened. It was all over the news. But a man jumped off a plane while it was still in flight—with a parachute! Everyone said he was so polite and kind, soft spoken,” Peggy stared far off. “He probably died and you know…the entire time I was just thinking. I hope that man isn’t you.”

Don’s eyes grew glossy. “That is crazy.”

“Yeah. I thought more. Of course it wouldn’t be you. He asked for a ransom, why would you want that? You’re so rich,” Peggy spat out, trying to stop herself from laughing. “But I guess what I’m trying to say is…don’t leave us. I’ve seen that far off gaze before.”

“I’m not sad.”

“Melancholy, nostalgic, somber. I don’t know which but I still think sadness best sums it up.”

“Well,” Don shifted, “I feel better today than most days.”

When Peggy left Don stayed on the couch with Gene. He didn’t have the will to move him any further. Gene moved closer, curling into him, drawn to the warmth. It brought on a smile to Don’s lips. He lit a cigarette and watched a commercial on the television. Just for the sake of a laugh, he pretended to be some clueless consumer instead of an adman deconstructing every detail.

A simple man who had eaten dinner with his children, a man with four walls and a roof over his head. A man who had a home to return to every night, a man who had simple worries like whether or not he remembered to bring home the toilet paper. It was a nice thought, being that man.

There was a sudden sense of calm before the pain climbed up his arm and to his heart. Don gasped, a sudden weight on his chest, he then clenched his jaw, tears coming out of the corner of his eyes. He clutched at his shirt, pulling some of the buttons. He didn’t have the breath to scream help.

Fear took him almost immediately. Cold sweat dripping down his temples. Don could feel the world closing in on him, doors slamming, windows closing, then he slumped to the side, trembling.

_Is that all there is?_

All the time he spent on earth was suddenly of great significance.

One singular moment came to mind. Walking through the door to find his family happy again. Peggy and Sally raising their heads and smiling at him as if they really saw him for once.

 


End file.
